Caitlin’s Story

Eleanor “Ellie” Love Kropchuk was the most beautiful surprise. In March 2017, my husband, Matthew, and I were so excited to find out she was on the way to join big brother Timothy (three years old) and big sister Caroline (20 months). Since I already have two children, pregnancy was nothing new for me. But Ellie was different. My doctor even commented at one point, as we laughed together about how active Ellie always was, that this pregnancy was just different than the others.

Around seven months into my pregnancy, I created a playlist that I would listen to during my birthing time. God often uses music to minster to me in very unique and specific ways. My favorite thing to do is throw a bunch of favorite songs into a playlist and then put it on shuffle because He always brings the exact songs I need in the moment I need them. Typically, I don’t put a ton of thought into playlists that I make. I just grab a bunch of songs I like and press play. However, this time I prayed over the songs as they were each carefully selected. For some reason, I felt particularly drawn to songs about the cross and the suffering of Jesus. It seemed a little odd to me at the time, but I felt that’s what God was prompting me to do, so I did.

Ellie Love entered this world just before 4pm on November 3. She was 7lb, 9oz, and 19.25 inches of perfection! She decided to meet us a little sooner than expected at only 36 weeks and 4 days, and needed to spend a few hours in the NICU just to make sure all was ok. About 48 hours after she was born, we joyfully took her home to meet her big brother and sister. Timothy was so excited to meet her. When we walked in, and he saw his daddy carrying Ellie in her car seat, Timothy knew exactly who she was. Daddy took her out and held her where Timothy could see her. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and loved her. I’ll never forget the look of sheer awe and amazement in his eyes when he saw his little sister for the first time.

We had the best time with Ellie during the ten days she was with us on this earth. I felt great, so we got out and about more than we otherwise would have. I always enjoy having “skin to skin” time with my babies as newborns, but I felt the need to hold Ellie all the time—I wanted to be close to her always—so she spent most of her short little life snuggled close to my heart. Ellie had the biggest personality that I have ever seen in a newborn. She had definite likes and dislikes, and was very bright-eyed and alert for a baby her age. Although I’m also not one to typically bed share with my babies, there were many nights that I just couldn’t bear to put her in her bassinet, so she’d sleep snuggled up next to me. I’m so thankful we had that special time together.

November 13 was a day that will forever be seared into my memory. We woke up to what seemed to be an ordinary day. I changed Ellie’s diaper and began to feed her. Everything seemed totally normal until it just wasn’t. Suddenly, she just stopped eating. For a moment, I thought she had fallen back asleep. Then I realized something was very wrong. I screamed for my husband who was in the other room, and when he came running in I told him something was terribly wrong. He immediately picked her up, and tried to wake her. Then, he began to suction her mouth thinking she might have an airway obstruction. At that point, his paramedic skills took over, and he began trying to resuscitate her while I dialed 911. The next few minutes were a blur as we worked together as a team, performing CPR, and preparing for the ambulance to arrive.

When we got to the hospital, a room full of doctors and nurses worked tirelessly to save Ellie. A few short hours later, we were given the news that no parent ever wants to receive. Our sweet Ellie’s little body was shutting down. She had no brain activity. They recommended that we withdraw care. Those words sound so cold and awful. How could we withdraw care from our sweet baby that we are supposed to love and care for? While we understood the reality of the situation, it just did not seem right to simply “withdraw care.”

We decided to wait a little while so that Ellie’s grandparents could come into town and meet her. They had planned to come visit us for Thanksgiving, but had not been able to make it for her birth since she came a little earlier than expected. So, we spent the next few hours holding and loving on our sweet girl. A little after 3pm, it became clear that Ellie was about to leave us. At that point, I asked them to unplug everything so that she could be skin to skin, close to my heart, one last time. Although we had been warned that her passing could potentially be more traumatic if it happened on its own rather than us deciding when to withdraw care, that wasn’t the case at all. A few moments later, Ellie passed from my arms into the arms of Jesus in the most beautiful and peaceful way possible.

Because we were still waiting on her grandparents to arrive, we had a couple more hours to hold her and love her. During that time, some friends brought Timothy and Caroline to the hospital to say goodbye. At first, we weren’t going to do that because we didn’t want it to be scary for them, but I remembered that we didn’t have a single picture of Caroline and Ellie together. Timothy and Caroline joined us, and we made a few more memories as a family of five with an entourage of family and friends around taking pictures to capture those beautiful moments. Both of them kissed her and said, “bye-bye, Baby Ellie,” as they left. Every single moment of that day was perfectly orchestrated by God. He took care of all of the details, no matter how big or small.

A few days later, our family and friends gathered together to celebrate Ellie’s life with us. Her service was a beautiful testament to how God can use even the shortest little life for His kingdom, and His glory. And God has continued to show Himself to be faithful.

The playlist I created for Ellie’s birth has ministered to my heart in new ways daily, which has inspired me to write and share God’s grace and goodness with others. We miss our Ellie fiercely, but we know we will see her again someday. Until then, God is carrying us through the darkest yet most beautiful days on this new life-long journey called grief. 

Caitlin is the wife of Matthew and stay at home mommy of 3 children, Timothy, Caroline, and Ellie Love, who passed away very unexpectedly at 10 days old. Caitlin’s mission is to honor Ellie’s memory by sharing her story and the grieving process in her blog, Legacy of Ellie Love. She hopes that others who read Ellie’s story will be drawn to Jesus because of His amazing grace and goodness, even through tragedy.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.