Always Missed, But Never Missing From My Heart
How many children do you have?
This is a question we have all heard many times, and it’s a question that has brought with it many different emotions for me—emotions that have changed and evolved depending on my current phase of motherhood. I’ve experienced excitement and pride in telling others about my children. I’ve also experienced apprehension, wondering what kind of unsolicited parenting advice I was about to receive. But never did I think that question would produce the anxious feelings I now get when asked.
I am a mother to seven. My first five pregnancies were easy and “normal.” Our sixth baby, Lily, was stillborn at 34 weeks, and our seventh was born just a few months ago. So, as you can imagine, this question now stirs up sadness and anxiety. How do I answer? Do I tell the stranger at the grocery store that one of my children is in heaven, while praying that I don’t break down in tears in the middle of the store? Do I leave out my sweet Lily when I answer, which feels like a betrayal of her? She is still very much my child, even though I didn’t get to raise her on this earth. Even her 10-year-old sister asked me how she was supposed to answer the question of how many siblings she has.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
During my pregnancy, it was hard for me to see past all the sadness and anxiety. But as I look back now, I have such joy in my heart for the little person that grew in my belly. She was made perfectly in God’s image. Though the doctors described her sweet, little body as having birth defects, she was not defected. Her imperfect feet were perfectly and purposefully made. There was no flaw in her creation.
Now, she is spending eternity with her Creator, never having to experience the suffering, pain, and agony of this world. The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes in heaven was the face of Jesus. This is the hope I can hold on to. Knowing that my daughter is in heaven makes eternity feel a little more real to me. Nothing brings me more comfort in my grief.
Lily will forever be a member of our family, and we talk about her often. We discuss the color of her hair and who she would’ve looked like. She will always be missed. She is missing from our family photos. She is missing from my arms. But she is never missing from my heart.
I realized that I should answer the question of how many children I have with whatever answer feels most appropriate in each situation. If I feel like confiding in a new friend and sharing the story of our sweet Lily, I do. If I don’t feel like sharing our private story with the stranger from the grocery store I simply say, “I have six kids at home.” And this is still true. Six of my children are at home with me, while Lily is at home with the Lord.
The beauty is that our worth as mothers doesn’t come from how many children we have or how long we’ve been a mother. It doesn’t matter if you carried your sweet baby for four weeks or full term. In fact, our worth doesn’t come from being a mother at all. Our worth comes from our Creator and Savior. He loves you, He sent His Son to die for you, and He wants to comfort you during in the midst of your grief.
While this isn’t a story I would have chosen for myself, I feel privileged to have walked this journey and to have been chosen to be Lily’s mom. I will choose to allow this sadness to draw me closer to the Lord. I will choose to be thankful—not for Lily’s death, but for where this trial has brought me. For through it, I have come to experience God’s love in a way I never had before.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10
- Kelly Goodell
Hope Mom to Lily Grace
Kelly lives with her husband, Seth, in Iowa. They have seven children, six at home and one in heaven. She loves coffee, listening to worship music, and snuggling on the couch watching movies. And she loves her family and Jesus.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
Got something to say?