Caitlin’s Story

I came across an old Instagram post of mine that showed a handwritten definition of glory. It said, “Glory-original meaning ‘weightiness.’ Like the force of a sledgehammer to our lives.”

That was written four years ago, long before I knew the true force glory would have on my life.

Six months into our marriage, my husband and I started to experience some swells in the waves of daily married life. I hurt my back, rendering me almost immobile despite months of physical and drug therapy. Surgery was imminent. Relief was on its way!

The day of my back surgery found my husband and me waiting an inordinate amount of time for my surgery to begin. I wasn’t worried because all my tests cleared me for the surgery. But when a nurse came up and started asking me about my menstrual cycles, I started getting suspicious. The nurse held out her hand to show me three positive pregnancy tests.

Shocked doesn’t describe what I felt. I was in exhausting pain from my back injury, desperately wanting the surgery to provide relief, but also knowing that the surgery would be postponed due to this new development. I was thrilled, overjoyed, in so much pain and experiencing so much fear because I knew the next nine months would be filled with even more excruciating pain, immobility and helplessness.

My husband and I went home that day, shell-shocked, trying to be sneaky about all the questions being lodged our way about why I didn’t have the surgery. We needed time to process without disclosing too much information.

Our first ultrasound came up empty, my OBGYN mentioning that maybe it was too early, or I could be experiencing an early miscarriage. Or, even an ectopic pregnancy. After a series of blood tests and more ultrasounds, our little one was finally seen. Only, she wasn’t in the right place. She was making her home in my left fallopian tube, quickly becoming too big for the space.

After the ultrasound technician left the exam room, I wrapped my arms around my abdomen and wailed, “My baby, my baby!” My husband wrapped his arms around me, sobbing, groaning, praying. He pulled up Romans 8:18 on his phone and read it over us,

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”

There was the sledgehammer force of glory in our lives, the suffering that would lead to God being glorified. The dreams being shattered only to lead to dreams so big I didn’t know how to dream them.

As my husband read and prayed this passage over us, I named our little one Glory. We had a family name picked out that we had already been calling her, but her life, her death were all about God’s glory, so should her name be.

We spent 8 hours in the ER that day waiting on the medicine to save my life. We went home exhausted with grief and emotion. We cried, we held each other, we prayed a LOT, begging God to welcome our sweet Glory into his arms.

Six days later, my husband rushed me to the ER with severe abdominal pain. Glory had resisted the drugs I was given and kept growing. She became too big for her home in my fallopian tube and it ruptured, ending her life and almost ending mine. Before I was rushed into surgery, I had already lost nearly half the volume of my blood. I was minutes from death.

I woke up several hours later with the knowledge my life had been spared and completely altered. I was now a grieving mother, a woman who knew loss at a deeper level than most others did. Ironically, I was not angry or bitter. I was so, so very sad, but I rested in the fact that we had prayed that in all that happened, we wanted God to get the glory. And that is exactly what was happening. There was an odd peace to behold in all of that craziness.

Fast-forward almost two years to present day. I have battled and won against a deep depression that rendered me lifeless for several months. I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that has left me exhausted and packing on pounds faster than I can take them off. I have been labeled infertile and unable to have children of my own. I have been violently angry, desperately sad, dangerously indifferent. I stopped doing my favorite things and hanging out with my favorite people, my couch becoming my best friend.

But, one night, right around Thanksgiving, something started to thaw within me. A lot of change had occurred in the span of just a week. My husband got a new job, I started a new medicine that made me feel drastically better, and it seemed like life was taking an upswing. I read an article on the Internet about adoption and sat down with my husband to talk about it. In the midst of that discussion, a huge peace was placed on both our hearts, relief flooding our bodies as it seemed like our fight had come to an end. By the end of that evening, we had made the decision to pursue adoption.

Within four months, through various different avenues, we had the money to start our home study. We have had random people dropping off baby gear on our front porch, complete strangers sending us checks, our co-workers and bosses being beyond generous with donations and gifts. We have no idea how God will provide for our next steps that require thousands upon thousands of dollars, but the fact that he has provided for us so abundantly thus far, we aren’t worried. In fact, we are excited! Excited to be a part of this incredible story God has started writing for us.

By God’s grace, I write this today. If He didn’t have sovereign control over my life, I would not be here. The depression I experienced after losing Glory and being diagnosed with infertility almost shattered me. It is merely by His power that I can open my eyes each morning with the hope of a new day.

People tell us all the time how brave my husband and I are, how incredible we are to have suffered through this mighty storm God sent our way. Normally, it would be so easy to take the credit for such awesomeness. But God has written our story in such a way that we can’t deny Him what’s due. We can’t deny Him His Glory.

Caitlin Burdick is the wife of Chris, mom to Glory who has been with Jesus since August 21, 2014. She is a nanny for two amazing little girls & knits away her free time. Caitlin & Chris are currently preparing their lives and home to welcome Baby B via adoption sometime within the next year (God willing!!!!).

Are you a writer?  Hope Mommies would love to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog.  Every Saturday we will be sharing another Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow.  If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose please send a draft between 800-1200 words to editor (at) hopemommies (dot) org.