Lies in Grief: I Shouldn’t Be Grieving This Much

Welcome back to our Lies in Grief series. During this series, we’ve covered lies about our bodies, our sin, our blame, and our faith when it comes to baby loss. This week we will expose lies about the depth and timeline of our grief, and hear what God has to say to us wherever we are in our grief journey.

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Our Western culture is famous for sweeping uncomfortable feelings “under the rug”. It doesn’t give much permission or space for the effects of grief that slow us down, change us, or ask us to hold onto a life that was so little or short that it doesn’t have anything to show for itself in the physical world.

Yet our own souls and bodies disagree. Whether we want it not, our grief will be there. It is out of our control. I like to say “Grief is its own animal—it will do what it wants, when it wants.”  Try as we might to hide or minimize it, our grief demands to be heard.

I am going to venture to say that our grief also deserves to be heard. Not because we or our tragic losses are entitled to an audience, but because of our grief, God has something to do in us and say through us to His broken world. Minimizing our pain only thwarts His good plans. Let’s explore some of the common lies about our worthiness to grieve, and why we are free to let our grief show itself. 

Lie: “My loss was early and I’m overreacting.” 
This first lie speaks especially to Hope Moms of miscarried babies. Because the world didn’t see your pregnant belly or the body of your baby, your grief can not only be invalidated, but also shamed. Do any of these sound familiar?

• I shouldn’t feel so much grief, I only knew I was pregnant for a week, compared to moms who were further along or had a full-term baby. My loss doesn’t matter like theirs does.
  · Miscarriages are so common, I should be over it. 
  · It wasn’t actually a baby, just some cells bunched together.
  · My baby isn’t important–look at all these other women who have felt their baby and bury their baby. I don’t even have a photo of my baby.

Since being a part of the Hope Mommies ministry, nothing has angered me more than knowing these lies have plagued many of our moms. I feel angry because the truth of the matter is: every Hope Baby was given a human soul his or her Maker. Is the size of a soul determined by the earthly form it was given? Absolutely not. Every human life (whether celebrated by the world or known only to God) has a soul of staggering value because it is made in the image of God and destined for eternity (Gen 1:26; Ecc 3:11). C.S Lewis has argued in The Weight of Glory: “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.” If we could see into the heavenly realm, I wonder if we would be silenced by its grandeur, beauty, and how absolutely wrong we have been in our judgments of others?

Hope Mom, the Bible never teaches that your loss must meet a certain threshold to be valid. You are grieving the loss of an entire soul; that is worthy of whatever grief you carry.

Lie: “I should be over it by now”
The same truth about an early loss applies here: you are grieving the absence of your child, of a soul—how can a mother ever “get over” that? We don’t and we don’t have to. Yes, grief does change shape. Over the years, bereavement may change in intensity, in your conversations, need for support, and in your outward acts of remembrance. But we never “move on” from our lost loved ones. Hope Mom, you never have to be over the pain of death.

One year at the Hope Mommies retreat I was leading a small group. On the first night of retreat, time in small groups is spent telling our Hope Baby stories. Although I have shared William’s story many times, I usually cry when sharing about him with other Hope Moms because I know they understand in a way no one else does. In the middle of my story that night, I felt my throat closing up and tears falling as my heart revealed the depths of my sorrow and love for William.

After my story was completed, one of my group members—a first time attendee and still very fresh in her grief—said to me, “I knew you were many years away from your loss, I was watching to see if you would cry.” At first, I was taken aback by her comment; but then I realized this new Hope Mom was looking for guidance on what her future would hold—would her grief always look the same? Would she still feel anything for her Hope Baby even years down the road?

I looked at her and gently answered: “yes, I do still cry, because my tears are my way of showing that William still matters after all these years.”

Hope Moms, do you feel like the world has completely moved on from your baby’s death, but your world is still paused? (I did for a while.) Has it been months or years since your baby has gone to heaven, but you still feel anxiety as you approach their birthdays or glory days? (I do.) Do you still feel a pang of sorrow when you see a child who is the same age as your Hope Baby would be? (I do.)

The truth is, healing and grieving do not follow a human timetable. There is a season for everything, including weeping and mourning (Ecc 3:1,4). Even if you have moved beyond the debilitating season of early grief, there are still seasons (or days, weeks) where grief shows up and mourning is appropriate.

It’s hard to remember this truth because the world surely expects us to keep going at the same speed we were before our loss, and you yourself may want to hurry grief along and “return to normal”. But God remembers he made us from dust (Psalm 103:13-14) – He knows our limitations, struggles, emotions, fears, and frailties and does not hold our grief against us or need us to arrive at a certain point of healing.

So, Hope Mom, I encourage you to allow grief to be present—whenever and however it takes shape. God has not left you in it, and is doing a good, healing work that you may not be able to see yet.

Lie: “I have so much to be grateful for, I should stop being sad”
Hope Moms, in some ways, this lie is correct. You do have much to be grateful for! And it is a good, proper, and healing thing to focus on the blessings and gifts God has given to you. AND you can feel sad. Gratitude and grief can coexist. The Bible never teaches that gratitude eliminates sorrow (or the other way around).

In fact, Scripture invites us to let both be true. You will notice in many of the “lament psalms” the writers hold space for full and vivid expressions of complaint and anguish and they let their faith in the saving provision and presence of God balance their pain. (See Psalms 13, 69, and 130 for examples)

Friends, I believe one of the continual purposes of our lives is learning to be “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing” (2 Cor 6:10). Jesus declares there will be trouble in this life (Jn 16:33); in fact, all of creation is yearning for release from the effects of sin, looking forward to the day of freedom when Jesus brings us all into His New Earth (Ro 8:18-25). Until that day, we are free to grieve the full weight of what sin has stolen. Yet even our grief becomes an invitation to greater worship. The deeper our pain, the more praiseworthy it becomes that the Son of God entered this shattered world, took our suffering upon Himself, and secured an eternity where death, sorrow, and separation will never reign again.

Hope Mom, wherever you are in your grief, be exactly there and invite Him into it. He will never fail you.

Still grieving and hoping with you,

Kelly

Kelly is the Ministry Support Lead for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Dan live in Brenham, TX with their two earthside children, Annabelle and Eli (and lots of pets). Their firstborn, William, went to Heaven in July 2017. To balance out the fullness of life, Kelly enjoys gardening, yoga, and sipping on some matcha while reading historical fiction. She considers herself beyond privileged to share the amazing news of Jesus’ Hope to all who need it, and loves that William gets to be a part of that message.