The Gift of Anna

My sweet Anna, You were so longed for, and are still so loved. You were the answer to a prayer I never thought I’d have. My desire for you was brought through the conviction of my aspirations to serve life’s greatest idol—my own self. But the Lord is faithful, as you know firsthand, and He brought me to a place of surrendering my own plans and my rights in marriage. This softening gave me the ability to open my heart to the thought of having children and being a mom. We waited and waited. It was difficult, but the time was rich. God refined me even more by teaching me to wait on Him alone. This was only the start of a line of unperishable gifts He would treat us with through your story; and finally, He gave us the gift of you. “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” Psalm 39:7 Before you were even conceived, I believe God was preparing me for the day I would let you go. I still don’t bow my will easily or quickly, but learning that I could trust the Lord with each detail of life allowed me to hold your life in surrender as well. As I opened my hands, He took my fears and replaced them with the gift of trust. “But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand.” Psalm 31:14-15 (NASB) After a week of anxiously knowing this would be our outcome, your life ended as you entered the world in a cry of pain. Afterwards, the pain relieved, and I could finally breathe relief. My anxiety lifted because “the day” was here and I was still okay—God was still good. It had been a week since I had been able to eat, yet somehow I barely cried. Instead, I lovingly took in each perfect attribute of your body; your toes, nails, tongue, and ear lobes were my favorite parts. That day, I learned what supernatural peace meant; I knew it, and I also felt it—yet another gift of you. “In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety” Psalm 4:8 Anna Joy was not the name we originally picked for you had you lived, but it was a special name, chosen for a baby who was meant for heaven. In the hospital, I googled names with meanings the night before your delivery (super meaningful, right?) and I found a site that stated Anna meant “God was gracious.” I thought that was a perfect fit because God graciously saved you from knowing pain, sin, and death on earth. He allowed you to experience only the eternal for all your days. In turn, your death has taught me to yearn for eternity like never before, not just so I can be reunited with you, but because losing you stripped me of any temporary comfort. My relief from the pain, especially in the early days, was found only in what is eternal. Your life and death gifted me perspective, not just on the brevity of our earthly existence; but on the vastness of a sure eternity—the greatest gift of all. “As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.” Psalm 17:15 Finally, I thank you for being the one who first made me a mother—making me so much more than I was before. You taught me to hope, wait, surrender, trust, know the peace of God, and long for eternity. I longed to teach you and show you the world, or simply just know who you would have been. Instead, I long to see you in heaven someday soon, where we will worship Jesus face to face, standing side by side. Anna, I am eternally grateful for the gift of you. I love you. -Your Mama “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,  while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NKJV)

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I am married to Justin and Hope Mommy to Anna Joy. We live in sunny south Florida where I love reading, writing, teaching, and just being with family & friends! I work in the hospital as a RN, and humbly serve as volunteer Nurse Manager at our local pregnancy resource center, Care Net. My personal ministry passions include leading women to deeper understanding of Jesus’ truth through their marriage struggles, sexuality, and miscarriage. We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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