Longing For Jesus Again
The nature of infant loss occurring in 1 out of 4 pregnancies, means that there are new women joining our community on a weekly basis. Over the next few weeks, we want to repost some of our earliest blog articles to encourage the dear mommas that have recently joined the ministry and community of Hope Mommies. Although these posts may have been written many years ago, the truths they contain remain the same. God is enough. He has always been enough. And as we place our hope in Him, we will find that He is our anchor in the midst of this storm of grief.
As a mother with a child in Heaven, what is the first thing you picture yourself doing when you get there? Me, with my sinful, broken heart? I see myself scooping up my baby boy, holding him so tight, and covering him with kisses. Every time I think of heaven, Hank is the first thing that comes to my mind. That’s me—so weak in my sinful ways. So weak in my broken-heartedness that I long not for my Lord and Savior, but for my boy.
When my firstborn, Hank, passed away at only two days old, it brought me to my knees in pain. It brought me to my knees begging for some small relief for my aching heart. I needed Jesus like I never had before. I cried out to Him in pain; I grew closer to Him in my agony. I remember literally begging Him to come into my bed and wrap His arms around me, because I just hurt so much.
But even in my desperate need of Him, the devil was working on my heart as a Christian. I began to long for heaven like never before. Illness or death didn’t scared me. “I’m ready to go,” I told myself. “Anytime. I’m willing and ready.” Until I realized I wasn’t longing to be with the Lord anymore, I was longing to be with my son.
I have a friend that I teach a Bible class with who always talks about allowing things or people to become our “little g” gods—things like money, sports, TV, friends, family, anything that we choose to devote our love, time, attention, or admiration to that takes away from our relationship with God. I realized that I was allowing my son to become my “little g” god. My focus had shifted from God, to my son. My ultimate goal had become getting to heaven to be with Hank instead of longing to bow in worship at my Savior’s feet.
I cried out for forgiveness. I asked for the Lord to change my heart and to help me desire Him above all else. I continue to struggle with this, and I long for my first desire to be with Jesus, even before my son.
It’s such a natural, God-given momma instinct to want to be near our children. But we must remember to keep God before everything—before our things, before our friends, before our husbands, and before our children whether they live on earth or in heaven.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” I pray for the renewing of my mind and heart, that I desire His will for my life and my heart, and the ability to abandon my own desires.
Romans 12:2
This post originally appeared on the Hope Mommies blog on September 10, 2013
- Marsha
Hope Mom to Hank
Marsha Smith loves the Lord with all of her heart and loves serving at their church with her husband, Nathan. She loves the kids that they have the privilege to work with, has a heart for animals and the beautiful Texas land she is blessed to live on, and loves to sew and work with her hands.
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heather
September 11, 2013 (12:06 am)
wow. never even thought of that before. i do that too. every minute of every day. i need to repent. and i’m sure it’s going to be hard to long for heaven because of Jesus again, and not because of my children that i’m so anxious to see again.