Tiffany’s Story

My husband and I found out we were pregnant with our second child on October 9, 2020. I was excited and nervous at the same time thinking about becoming a mommy of two. As time went by, it obviously became more and more exciting. We found out at 20 weeks we were pregnant with a baby boy. It was the first boy on my side of the family so we were all very excited. 

I had a very easy pregnancy. I had no complications and baby was very healthy all the way through. As a matter of fact, at my last OB appointment the doctor said, “I wish every pregnancy was this easy.” 

I was 38 weeks gestation when I started having contractions at home. They weren’t consistent or very intense, but I knew he was coming soon. We went for a walk and I did some last minute packing and prepping. He was active all day, and I know for sure he was still active around 2:00pm when we were taking a family ride on the side by side, because my daughter and I were watching him move and kick around, laughing about how he was ready to pop out and meet us.

That night I was rocking my daughter to sleep. Usually that was the baby’s most active time. She would talk and sing to him at night and he responded to her voice every time. She loved to lay her back on my belly and feel him kicking her. But that night he wasn’t responding. 

I also had a lot of pressure on my right side while sitting in that position. I instantly knew something wasn’t right. He was a very, very active baby. I got up and started doing all the things they suggest to get your baby awake and active to do kick counts, but I couldn’t get him to move. 

I grabbed my Doppler but couldn’t find a heartbeat. We rushed to the hospital right away. The nurses instantly took me back to get me on monitors. I could tell by their faces they were worried as they searched and searched for his heartbeat. After what felt like forever, the on call doctor came in to do an ultrasound. As he was looking he asked me all these questions: Was this my first pregnancy? Have I had any complications? How old is my child at home? Finally he turned around to look at me and said, “I am so sorry. There is no heartbeat.”

Our world instantly turned upside down. My heart was shattered like never before. I felt like I was suffocating. It was like a horrible nightmare, but it was my reality. I can’t even explain the pain I instantly felt through my entire body. What happened? What did I do to cause this? Why would God let this happen to us? I had so many questions.

Brantley Isaiah Hammer was born into the arms of Jesus on June 2, 2021 at 2:00am. He weighed 8lbs 4.1oz and was 21 inches long. He was so perfect.

When my water broke during labor, and later when he was born, there was a lot of blood. He was very tangled and twisted in his umbilical cord. The test results came back as an umbilical cord tear. When that happens, babies are gone within a couple of minutes. The doctor assured me there was nothing we could have done. The chances of this happening are less than one percent. It has made me lose confidence in statics. Nothing feels comforting when you were that “unlucky” percentile. 

I feel such guilt. They say the womb is the safest place for your baby to be, and I felt as if my body failed my sweet baby. I felt like I should have known something was wrong. I felt guilty for not going to the hospital when contractions first started. I played the “what if” game in my head daily.

We had Brantley with us for about 36 hours after delivery. My parents, my sisters and brother-in-law‘s, my grandparents, my husband‘s parents and sister, and our daughter all got to hold our sweet baby boy. Our pastor came to pray with us. He dedicated Brantley to our Lord. While he there he read to us Isaiah 41:10.

“So do not fear for I am with you. Don’t not be dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

This is the same verse my husband wears on a necklace every day. It was a necklace I had bought him when he was baptized. Right then we knew his middle name was going to be Isaiah. We never had settled on one we liked yet, until that moment. We chose that as his life verse.

This is a journey I never thought I would have to walk. I never thought my biggest nightmare would become reality. I once read, “When your child dies, everything hurts—every part of your mind, your body, your heart, and your soul—every cell in your body aches from the tips of your hair to the tips of your toes. It’s as if every tiny molecule within you is screaming in protest, “No, no, no, this can’t be true!” 

I haven’t read anything more accurate explaining this pain. But even through this pain and grief, the Lord has shown His mercy and love to us. As I look back on my pregnancy, I feel there were little ways where God was trying to prepare me. Out of all the books in the Bible I read Job while pregnant. Why? I have no idea. If you haven’t read the book of Job, it’s about a man who had lost everything; all his children, his flocks, his home, and even his own health. And yet, he didn’t lose hope in the promises of God. 

The day after coming home from the hospital we had to meet with the funeral home and pick out a gravesite. Something we never imagined having to do for one of our babies. As we met with the funeral home, they gave us a run down on everything—scheduling, choosing a casket, funeral program and place, and of course the cost of everything. What a heavy burden it is to worry about finances on top of losing your child. 

They told us that for situations like ours where the child obviously doesn’t have any life insurance they only charge 10% of the actual cost. That was instantly a sigh of relief. Then our Pastor grabbed our hands and said, “Our church has agreed to cover the funeral costs and Brantley’s gravesite.” Wow, could I see God through his eyes. 

We walked the graveyard and found the perfect area. It was secluded up against a tree line where you could hear the creek running behind it. You could see a big pond through the trees. It was quiet and peaceful. We asked if those were sites for sale. They looked them up and told us, “Those sites haven’t been up for sale in over 100 years. It looks like years ago they planned to put a road back there. But obviously that will never happen now. No one has ever asked about those sites before. I see no reason not to open up sites for you.” 

We felt the Holy Spirit fill our hearts with peace. God had provided for us yet again. We came home that evening to find one of the biggest and brightest rainbows we had ever seen over top of our house. 

“Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayers.”  Psalms 4:1

Brantley’s service was held on June 12th. It was beautiful. We wrote letters to Brantley that my Pastor read aloud during the service. It was so heartwarming to hear how loved he truly was. We also played the song “Hug Him Once For Me.” I listen to this song daily still. Our Pastor preached on the hope of our Lord’s promises. This life on earth seems so long, because we are missing a big part of us, but once we get to heaven we will understand how short this life was. We will have eternity to spend with Brantley.

I have struggled with several things through the grieving process. One big struggle was praying. I questioned God. All I wanted to do was yell at Him for taking my baby. I prayed for my baby boy and yet God didn’t protect him. God didn’t stop that tear from happening. I never questioned if there was a God or if He was on our side. But I did question why. I didn’t know what to say to Him. I didn’t even know what to pray anymore. I stopped trying for awhile. Then I sat in silence and let the Holy Spirit cry out to God for me. I leaned on this verse during that time.

“God’s Spirit also helps us to do this. Because we are weak, we do not know how we ought to pray. But God’s Spirit Himself prays for us. He cries to God on our behalf in a way that nobody could say with words.” Romans 8:26 

I also struggled with nightmares. I would relive the night we went to the hospital and giving birth to my still born baby. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night to cry myself back to sleep, and again wake up crying. Nights were almost becoming just as exhausting as the days. I started reading my Bible before bed every night. As I prayed over Scripture, eventually those nightmares let up.

“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.”  Psalms 4:8

I struggled with anxiety, depression, emptiness, exhaustion, and fear. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I still get nervous to go to new place where I’ll see people I haven’t seen yet since Brantley. I am worried they will say something about Brantley and I will have a meltdown right there in public. But I’m also worried they won’t say anything, having forgotten our baby. These are struggles we will always live with.

God has shown Himself to us in so many ways—through our parents and siblings who dropped everything to be there for us at any given minute and have done absolutely anything we’ve needed, our church who has financially and emotionally supported us through this journey, through friends, family, and strangers who have loaded up our home with groceries., and through people who have brought us fresh meals for dinner. People have sent us the most special and meaningful gifts I have ever received. We have heard God speaking to us through the letters and cards people have written us.

God has also connected me with other mommas who have been through infant loss as well. One specifically reached out to me, because she saw I was tagged in “The Garden of Hope” Facebook page. She shared her story with me and I shared mine with her. Our babies went to be with Jesus just two months apart. We have talked every day since and she has been such a blessing to walk this journey with.

We may never understand why God took our baby from us so soon. We will live with questions all of our lives. Grief doesn’t come in stages, it comes in waves, and we will be riding these waves for the rest of our life. Through this journey, grief has taught me to not take loved ones for granted and to live every day creating memories that will last for days to come. It taught me patience, to not stress about the little things. It taught me to love more and to reach out and care for others and to allow others to love on and care for me. 

Grief teaches us that pain and joy can coexist. It has also taught me more about my faith—how to surrender everything to God, because He is the only strength I have to put one foot in front of the other. Even through the words of anger I have thrown at God, I have experienced His comfort and compassion. Grief has taught me that life on earth is short. Jobs, degrees, and awards we receive here on earth won’t matter one day in heaven. What matters is how we loved others and lived for the Lord while on earth.

Today, I pray that God will take our hurting hearts and use them for His glory. I pray He will let our grief transform us and help us fulfill His purpose for our lives.

Hi, my name is Tiffany Hammer. I have been married to my husband for 5 1/2 years. We have a daughter named Paisley who is two and a son in heaven named Brantley who would be seven months old. We live in the country on a little farm close to family. I am a Registered Veterinary Technician. We attend Eaton Community Church where I grew up.

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