Ask the Blog Team: How Do I Deal With People Who Seem to Look At Me With Pity Now?

Welcome to our Q+A series, Ask the Blog Team. In this series, the Hope Mommies blog team joins together to answer questions that are commonly asked in grief. If there is a question or topic that you have wrestled with in your grief that you would like the opportunity to see how other Hope Moms have processed or answered, we would love to hear from you. You can submit your questions here.

Oh, we all know that face of pity when someone first found out you were no longer pregnant and also did not bring the baby home. Honestly, I don’t let it distress me. It’s a natural reaction. I do use it as a time to share that, yes, it is terrible, but on the other side we really are okay because of the Lord. It was my way of saying, “Please don’t have pity on me (focusing on me), but look to God instead and focus on what He did despite the pain.”
 

- Kayla

Hope Mom to Anna Joy

Be humble and gracious. Easier said than done, I know. I remember being so sensitive when I lost two children back to back. I was a mother without children in her arms, and it hurt so much. I just wanted to be acknowledged as a mother. Now, I do have two children in my arms, and I have noticed that I still want people to acknowledge my precious children who died. This may be a weird thing to say, but I guess I am thankful for the women who looked on me in pity. At least they acknowledged what I had lost! 

- Ravyn

Hope Mom to Noah and Isabelle

I would give grace, and then move on. It can be so incredibly awkward to be the only grieving person in a room. The looks, the silence, the unfortunate comments; but it all comes from a place of love and simply not knowing what to do. And let’s be honest, there’s not really anything anyone can do to make it better. I avoided certain crowds after my loss, or would only go if I could find a trusted friend to join me. 

- Sarah

Hope Mom to Baby P and One Precious Babe
It felt like such a delicate balance in those early days. I didn’t want to be pitied, but I didn’t want my losses to be passed over either. In my grief, I created this unrealistic and unattainable ideal of how I hoped people would respond to me. I desired compassion, understanding, and tenderness without the sense of smallness that typically accompanies one’s pity. I needed to remind myself that the reactions I received from others were simply their best efforts to come alongside me in my grief. I could not expect everyone (or anyone for that matter) to know exactly the “right” way to respond to me because I couldn’t even define that for myself.
 
I also think there was a part of me that wanted to be seen as a hero of the faith who remained steadfast and faithful despite the devastating circumstances of my losses. Receiving pity from someone injured my pride because I did not want to be viewed as, well, pitiful. I had to repent of this and focus my heart on magnifying the Lord in my sorrow rather than inflating my strength or resilience.
 

- Ashlee

Hope Mom to Simeon and Odelle
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