My First Baby Shower Invitation After Loss

When I was little, one of my favorite things was receiving mail. Whether it was a birthday card, a magazine, or a dentist appointment reminder, it thrilled me to see my name in print. The absolute best, though, was a party invitation. That signified that I had been chosen to partake in a day of fun. I would proudly hang the invitation on the refrigerator with a magnet and count down the days until the party. Even now, I still love being invited to share in someone’s special day. I am usually always ready for a celebration. It feels wonderful to be included in those significant moments. But that wasn’t the case with this particular invitation.

Kinley had only been gone a month before I received the baby shower invitation for a friend of mine. We had been pregnant at the same time, with our due dates only a month apart, and she was also expecting a girl. My eyes filled with tears as I studied the pretty pink lettering announcing the details of the shower. I had delivered Kinley at 27.5 weeks, so there had been no shower for us. I had hoped to do a sip-and-see once we brought Kinley home after her stay in the NICU, but Kinley never came home. This baby shower invitation seemed like a cruel reminder of all I had lost.

I knew I wasn’t ready to attend this event. It was just too soon. So, I went to the store, bought a big box of diapers, and gave them to my friend at church the following Sunday. I told her honestly that I was happy for her, but I couldn’t go to the shower. She understood, and that was it. I didn’t feel guilty about not going. I didn’t worry about what others thought about my lack of attendance. I recognized my limits, while acknowledging my friend, and then rested in the peace God had given me.

But I didn’t stay in my sorrow. A year later I hosted two baby showers for two other friends. God brought me to a place where I could join in the celebration, because life should be celebrated. We need to support each other in our highs, which can sometimes be more challenging than the lows. When people are hurting, I naturally want to reach out and offer encouragement. But sometimes in others’ victories or joys, I find it harder to cheer them on when it’s something that I have lost or desire. This is where God comes in. He enables us to act in accordance to His will and character.

When trying to determine what your response should be to a baby shower invitation, or any event that you know will be difficult, I recommend focusing on three things:

KNOW YOUR LIMITS

We want to be strong and capable of handling anything. But there are times when we just need to say no. It doesn’t make you weak to recognize your limitations. It shows discernment. Sometimes you need to avoid certain situations while you heal. Give yourself grace and remember to show others grace in situations. We don’t always know what people are going through. It may be, though, that you are ready to attend. If God has given you a peace about going, by all means go. Just be sure you are seeking God’s direction and not just trying to meet the expectations of others. Hebrews 13:9

“It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace.” Hebrews 13:9

“We are not trying to please men but God, who tests are hearts.” 1 Thessalonians 2:4

RESPOND WITH KINDNESS

Acknowledge the person who sent the invitation. Show them that you appreciate being included whether you attend or not. Let them know that you value their friendship and that they are important to you. We need to maintain our friendships even in times of sorrow. If we are solely focused on our own grief, we isolate ourselves from those who love us. Don’t add friendships to the list of things you’ve lost. 

Even though it hurt to receive the invitation, I knew that it had not been sent to cause me pain. Life around us continues on even when it feels like our own life has come to a standstill. And our friends want us to experience life, not stagnant solitude. Recognize the good intentions of others, and don’t allow your pain to disfigure the truth.

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

DON’T WALLOW IN GRIEF

I know this one is hard. Losing a baby feels like you’ve lost a part of yourself. It is ok to be sad, mad, and everything in between. We just can’t stay there. With God’s help, we can choose hope over despair. 

A beautiful example of choosing hope is my friend Emily. She had lost twin boys and experienced a miscarriage when she began ministering to me after I had lost Kinley. Emily could have chosen to be consumed with her own losses. She could have stayed stuck in her sorrow, but instead, Emily chose hope. She offered me encouragement through Scripture, prayer, and a listening ear. Emily reminded me that God would see me through my valley of grief and that I was not alone. God used Emily to speak truth into my life, and He continues to use her because of her willingness. Emily has recently started a pregnancy/infant loss group at her church. Every day, Emily chooses hope. 

In comparison, I have another friend who experienced a different type of loss, and she wears her loss like a badge of honor. This friend makes most conversations about herself and what she has suffered. She projects her pain onto her family members in a vicious cycle of grief. I love this friend dearly, but she is a reminder to me of what it looks like to not live out hope. 

It is not healthy to be in a continual state of mourning. Our loss does not become more significant by letting it consume and define us. It’s an easy trap to fall into, but one we need to avoid in order to preserve our friendships and obtain healing. In 1 Thessalonians 4:13, the apostle Paul challenges us to “not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” We must remember that our hope is in Christ, and He has overcome! Although I didn’t go to that initial baby shower, I went to others that followed. I made the choice to not wallow in grief but to grasp onto hope.

In closing, sweet mommas, there will inevitability be events, like baby showers, that sting our hearts. But know that these occasions become easier. Give yourself time and grace. Cherish and maintain your friendships through kindness and honesty. Choose hope as your destination instead of camping out in despair. When we seek God above all else, He equips us with the strength, wisdom, and peace to face any situation.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.” Jeremiah 29:13-14

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Stephanie Blanks is married to Matt and has four children: Lyston (9), Kinley (who went home to Jesus in 2011), Levi (6), and Leighton (4). Stephanie works at the Chamber of Commerce in her small town of Hondo, TX. She enjoys singing in her church praise band, running, reading, and spending time with her family at the lake. You can read more from Stephanie on her blog.

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