Kayla’s Lament

To lament is to turn to God in honest, desperate prayer, expressing the reality of our emotions—as intense and tumultuous as they may be. Ultimately, a lament is an expression of faith in the God who hears our cries and responds with mercy and grace. In this series, we seek to write our own laments in the style of the Psalmists, beginning by giving voice to the real and raw emotions that accompany our grief, and then lifting our eyes heavenward in trust and adoration of the One who is greater than all of our sorrow.

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I’m sorrowful over simply being called to write this piece,
To be able to express such lament,
A lament over the loss of my first and only child.
The endurance of this on-going trial,
Sometimes it seems unbearable and unfair.

I question Your goodness
My feelings overrun the truth of who You actually are.
I acknowledge this with embarrassment
I want to trust you faithfully,
In every thought and action,
But my flesh is powerful;
I often cave to feeling forgotten and unloved. 

I want the pain to stop,
Tears to cease,
And newness to be conceived.
I know You can change this course,
Yet You choose not to, year after year.

If only my child were here,
I could not write such a lament of grief and struggle.

I search my own mind for answers as to why;
Will the reasons even truly comfort me?
You are seemingly silent to my questions,
Yet your Word shouts the ultimate answer to it all:
You say, “I will never leave you.”

If only my child were here,
Would this answer still be enough for me?

Her absence is deafening each morning;
I sit quietly with you Lord.
I close my eyes to pray,
All I hear is what should have been.
The silence is so loud that it sometimes rings in my ears,
Even in my pain, You have my full attention.

If only my child were here,
I would not have the countless silent mornings to study Your Word.

I’ve learned the depths of Your nature;
You’ve collected every tear shed.
You have wept alongside me,
Giving us intimacy anew.

If only my child were here,
I would not know this closeness,
I would not know You.

So I will continue to express the weeping,
It somehow co-exists with the dancing.
The sadness with the joy,
The comfort in the discomfort.

If only my child were here,
I would not know the One who weeps with me.
The One who is joy,
The One who comforts.

If only my child were here.

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Kayla is married to Justin in sunny south Florida where they enjoy life together with friends & family. Kayla is a teacher at heart, nurse by profession, & lover of truth! She serves as a volunteer nurse at her local Care-Net & enjoys women’s ministry discipleship especially in the areas of grief, marriage, & infertility. You can follow more of her musings on grief here.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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