Megan’s Lament

To lament is to turn to God in honest, desperate prayer, expressing the reality of our emotions—as intense and tumultuous as they may be. Ultimately, a lament is an expression of faith in the God who hears our cries and responds with mercy and grace. In this series, we seek to write our own laments in the style of the Psalmists, beginning by giving voice to the real and raw emotions that accompany our grief, and then lifting our eyes heavenward in trust and adoration of the One who is greater than all of our sorrow.

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Why God, does if feel as though you have abandoned me?
The losses piled up, and I cried out day and night in such anguish.
You seemed too far away to hear or care.
But then, another pregnancy.
This one, I thought would be different. 

You let me carry him and You let me feel every kick and squirm.
You gave me time with him on this side of heaven as I held and loved him.
I prayed day and night for this tiny life. I begged You to heal him time and time again.
I built up expectations in my heart of the answers to my prayers,
But still your answer was, “No,” and you took him away as I held him in my arms. 

The grief is so heavy.
I feel like it may crush me.
The weight on my chest makes each breath a struggle.
I wake each morning and function just to take care of the two precious gifts that remain,
But my heart longs to have him back—even if just for a moment.
I question how his death can be reconciled with your goodness.
I feel isolated, and wonder if this all-consuming heartache will remain. 

Each day I feel like I am slipping further and further into a deep pit of darkness.
But it is there in the darkness that You gently meet me without fail.
You accept me just as I am,
Full of bitter grief, anger, and confusion.
You quiet my heart and still my mind as I retreat from the chaos.
You pull me up from that deep darkness
And assure me that You love my son far more than I ever could.
You remind me of the promise of heaven
And ask me to trust You and your purpose for his life and my pain.  

You whisper revival to my heart
And I anxiously await to see what You will do to fulfill your plan.
True to your Word,
I can feel You refining me through this process
And lifting me up to something higher
Something I would have never planned for myself.

I feel You moving,
Your Spirit giving new flesh to my heart where it felt dead before.
You have ignited a passion in me to seek You and serve You
Bringing glory and life from what the enemy meant for destruction. 

I trace my hand through your Word in those quiet spaces to find your promises.
The more I hurt, the more desperately I seek You
Because I know that You are the only source of comfort for my weary soul.

In the seeking, You draw me closer
And reveal depths of your character that I would have never experienced outside this pain: Your incredible mercy and love,
Your tender compassion, and Your unfailing graciousness.
I now know that my finite wisdom will never comprehend the ways You work,
But I trust that You know what I need
And You will never withhold Your goodness from me.

Before I was proud and thought I knew You,
But now, even in the pain,
I have tasted and seen and felt that You,
My God, are so good. 

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Megan Kelley is married to Jake and the mother to seven babies. Her first child she lost to miscarriage in September of 2009. She then had two children, Hunter (7) and Preston (5). After Preston, she lost her next two to miscarriage in March and August of 2014. A month later, she found out she was pregnant with her son, Thatcher, who was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome. He went to his heavenly home shortly after he was born on April 17, 2015. She was blessed with her latest addition, Abigail Quinn in July of 2017. She loves painting, gardening, cooking, reading, and playing with her kids at the park.

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