Grieving Together: Give Grace
Walking through the loss of a child is extremely difficult on its own, but the difficulty can be greatly compounded when walking through that grief with another. In this series, we seek to write about the ways we can encourage and support our spouse in grief, and come together before the Lord instead of being driven apart by sorrow.
“I pray that this trial makes you love God and each other more.”
A family friend texted this to me a few days after she found out my daughter, Isabelle, had died. I cried when I read the text, because I had been praying the same thing. I had heard stories of marriages falling apart after the loss of a child, and I was afraid because my husband and I had just lost two children back to back. How were we supposed to survive this?
Once again, I am writing from what I have learned from failure. You see, I often fail to give grace to my husband, even when I know I should and even when I long to. In the span of a year, we suffered a miscarriage and the death of our daughter the day after her birth. We planned a funeral instead of bringing home a healthy baby, and we both dealt with our sorrow in different ways. My husband tried to stay busy, and I was much more emotional in the beginning. We had been told to give each other grace and to remember that we would each respond to the death of our children in different ways, but our differences still caught me by surprise at times.
When both of my children died, my husband immediately became task-oriented and made a list of things that needed to get done. He ordered a small casket made specifically for miscarried babies and had our son’s name, Noah, engraved on the top. He cooked, cleaned the house, and helped in any way he could think of.
When Isabelle died, we were expecting Hurricane Florence a few days later, so he began planning her funeral on top of securing our house for the storm. He also took care of me since I was recovering from an emergency c-section on top of mourning. When we planned her funeral, I was so disoriented from grief and pain medication that when he lovingly asked for my opinion on something, I told him, “Whatever you want.” So, he planned a beautiful service for Isabelle almost entirely on his own out of love for God, for her, and for me.
While I did appreciate his servant’s heart (and do so even more now), all I really wanted from him at the time was for him to hold me and cry with me—something he just couldn’t do. A few months later, I was more than frustrated with his “reluctance to show emotion,” and I asked him if he even missed his daughter. Yes, I was that terrible.
I saw the hurt in his eyes, and I immediately regretted what I had just asked.
Of course, he missed her, and he still does.
He is her father.
We need to remember the gospel and give grace to our spouses, because we have covenanted our lives together, and we should desire to come together before the Lord as opposed to being driven apart by our sorrow.
I encourage all of you to read Romans 5 in its entirety because it is a wonderful depiction of the gospel. In just the first five verses, Paul reminds us:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
God saved us because of His lovingkindness. There was nothing we could do to earn favor with God. Jesus Christ paid it all. Later, in this same chapter, Paul goes on the say:
But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man’s trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. And the free gift is not like the result of that one man’s sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ (vv 15-17).
As believers, we have been saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8). Therefore, we must give grace to others. Losing a child is one of the hardest, most agonizing experiences we can go through. But you do not go through it alone. I know you may feel alone at times, but as a Christian, you are never alone. God is near, and God loves His children— including your spouse.
Sometimes, our spouses will hurt us. They will not grieve the way we think is appropriate. They may say hurtful things. They may retreat and want time to grieve alone even if we want them to be with us instead. It may even seem like they have “moved on.”
Grief looks different for each individual, and it can especially look different for men and women. After months of getting angry with my husband for not grieving how I did, or for being short with me (even though I was very short with him as well), I finally learned how important it is to show grace to each other. We are not perfect. I sin against my spouse daily, but we must remember the gospel, and seek forgiveness from each other in humility.
I have also realized that, sometimes, I just need to be on my own for a bit. If I am being very sensitive, or my husband is being short, it is okay for me to go in the other room and calm down before coming back together to work things out. It is important to communicate even if doing so is hard. And one thing I have learned, and still need to continue learning, is to believe the best of my spouse. He is not perfect, but he does love Christ and me. He is my husband, the father of my children, and a brother in Christ.
I encourage you and your spouse to be diligent to read the Word and pray together regularly. When you are praying on your own, pray for your spouse. Your spouse is also grieving the loss of your child and is hurting in his own way. Remember your love for one another. Seek Christ both together and on your own.
- Ravyn Canale
Hope mom to Noah and Isabelle
Ravyn is married to Anthony, and together they have three children: Noah, Isabelle, and Micah. Ravyn is a teacher and loves reading, writing, and hiking.
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