Unspeakable Joy on Mother’s Day

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Romans 15:13

Joy—unspeakable joy—is one of the many emotions I experience each year as Mother’s Day makes its appearance. Joy that is intermingled with pain, happiness, grief, hope, anger, and thankfulness. Mother’s Day is a sweet reminder of the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me and my family, but it is also a day that is shadowed by loss.

I have five beautiful children that are earth-side with me, and I have one beautiful little girl on the other side of glory. This will be my fourth Mother’s Day missing Blair Reece. Each year I have to ask the Lord to guide my heart between the ebbs and flows of emotions that rise and fall. In one moment, I am bursting with gladness as I am able to love and serve my living children, and the next moment I am completely overcome with sadness because I am deeply missing my glory girl. In the past years, I have experienced heavy amounts of anxiety the days leading up to Mother’s Day.

Am I not appreciative of my living children if I spend too much of the day mourning my precious loss? Will Blair be forgotten if I am not overcome with sorrow that she is not with me? Will other people think I should be in a different place in my grief journey by now? How am I supposed to act, feel, or perform on a day such as this? Am I the only one that misses her because I am the only one sad on this day?

I have since learned to be gentler with myself. I go into the day of celebration without any expectations from myself or my family. It sure takes a lot of pressure off of me and those that I love. It’s okay to celebrate and mourn at the same time. I can hold my earth-side babies tight and yearn to hold Blair simultaneously. Longing for her doesn’t make me love my other children any less, and celebrating my living five doesn’t make me honor Blair any less.

It’s definitely a confusing dance to interpret. In the past, I was sure that God wanted me to be happy. A good Father would never want me to endure such terrible experiences, right? Through the loss of Blair, our good God has revealed to me that He doesn’t desire for me to be happy, but instead He yearns for me to be holy. The pruning it takes to strive towards a holy life will not always produce happiness. That’s why we, as believers, should focus on being joyful instead of happy.

“Consider is pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”
James 1:2-3

The joy that James speaks of is not the jump-out-of-your-seat-and-wave-a-banner kind of celebration. He’s suggesting that even when the valleys are deep and the pits are blinding we can calmly trust that God is creating a spirit of holiness within us. Holiness is greater than happiness. God isn’t calling us to be perfect, but He is calling us to be distinct from the world. Flowing tears and having a desire to know my daughter doesn’t mean that joy is absent. God allows and even welcomes the cleansing tears. We see that even Jesus wept with Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus died. Joy doesn’t get chased off by our circumstances. Joy is lasting, and it is a soothing balm to a suffering heart.

Joy is only found through Christ—who He is, what He’s done, and the guarantee that He holds us near. When I reflect on His perfect sacrifice, I am honored that God chose me to be Blair’s mother. Knowing what I know now, I would still choose to love her and give her back to our Creator before I was ready.

It took me quite some time to share this, but it’s complete truth. Joy isn’t found in the presence of Blair Reece on Mother’s Day. It’s found in the presence of our sovereign Father every day. Please, dear sister, whether your arms are empty or your home is full and you are yearning for your hope baby(ies) on this Mother’s Day, lean into our loving Father and actively pursue joy—unspeakable joy.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
Romans 5:1-5

Calli Williams is a passionate Christ follower. Calli is married to Jared, and has six children: Gavyn, Grant, Bertie, Gwyneth, Blair, who has been in Glory since November 2014, and Brynne, who joined their family in November 2015. She enjoys spending time with her family, reading when she can steal a quiet moment, using her creativity to craft, and splurging on anything chocolate.

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