Erin’s Story

In July of 2015, after two years of battling infertility, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. We were over-the-moon excited that our five-year old daughter, Aubrey, would finally have a sibling. Our excitement grew abundantly when we found out that our family would be blessed with not only one, but two babies. We were the proud parents of twins. God answered our prayers in a far bigger way than we could have imagined. He knew that our hearts’ desire was for three children.

Walking through infertility had been a heartbreaking trial in and of itself. All the time, money, appointments, medications, and toll on my body from infertility were over. We would not have to travel this path again. Our family would finally be complete with three children. 

Because I had complications during my pregnancy with my oldest daughter, I was considered high risk and was transferred to the care of a specialist in Houston. Each weekly visit and ultrasound confirmed that two perfect little blessings were growing inside my womb. Our hearts sang songs of praise to our Lord. Joy consumed our home, family, and especially big sister, Aubrey, as we prepared for them.

At 37 weeks and two days, our family became pure perfection—a family of five. March 7, 2016, we welcomed to this world two beautiful, screaming, crying, pink babies named Adalyn Layne and Grayson Knox. After two nights in the hospital, we went home to live our happily ever after. For 26 amazing and beautiful days, we lived a life we had at one time only dreamed of for ourselves. Our twins fit perfectly and seamlessly into our family, and Aubrey beamed with pride and joy. God had pieced together such a beautiful life, filled with immense blessings. We were singing songs of praise for our incredible blessings.

Then on April 2, 2016, Grayson woke up to eat, and when it was Adalyn’s turn, we noticed she was not breathing. My husband, Brandon, immediately began CPR, and continued until the ambulance arrived. The entire time, I was on my knees crying out to our Father, clinging to hope that He would intervene and spare our daughter. Medics continued with care and took her to our local hospital. After an hour of intervention, it was determined that our beautiful Adalyn Layne had gone home to be with her Savior. In that cold, bright room, we stayed on our knees praying, begging, and believing that God would and could intervene and save our beloved daughter, but as we held our precious Adalyn Layne and gazed into her beautiful eyes, we finally realized it would be the last time this side of glory that we would hold her. One of our most precious gifts had been taken in the night.

Even after testing and an autopsy, there was no cause of her death. Every possibility was ruled out, one after another. I struggled in my need to know why. We continued with testing her twin brother, Grayson, and still there was no answer. Our healthy baby girl had, for no reason, passed away in the night. It is still so hard to see a death certificate say, “No cause of death.”

In my devastating loss, I clung to my faith. But, oh! It was so painfully hard to know that our Lord chose this path for Adalyn, yet still loved me immeasurably. In the same breath that I called out to Him to comfort me and help me sing again, I also yelled at Him with such frustration and pain. In hindsight, I am so thankful that God is such a loving Father. He took my anger while still showering me with love and peace.

In the midst of the unbearable pain, my heart’s cry was, “Lord, please teach me to sing again, to sing of Your glory and wonder.”

“Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.”
Psalm 28:6-7 (NIV)

I read Psalm 28 daily to remind my heart that those who pray in faith may rejoice in hope. The loss of my beloved daughter was so overwhelming, but I continued to lean on my Savior because I had hope that He would piece me back together and use my brokenness for His glorify. I wanted Him to turn my brokenness into songs of His glory.

In May, I received a Hope Box from a Hope Mom I had never met. She sent it to me in remembrance of her precious daughter. It was days before I had the strength to open it. However, once I did, I found this box truly was full of hope. Inside, I learned about other amazing women who had suffered devastating loss as I had, and how the Lord had helped them to overcome and live again—how He helped them sing again. I believe God used that box of hope to begin healing the open wounds that He wanted to turn into songs of His wonder and glory.

I first began my journey as a Hope Mom by following the Hope Mommies Facebook page and reading other moms’ stories. Then, I was blessed to attend the Hope Mommies 2017 Retreat. This retreat was pivotal in my healing. To be with moms who knew my pain, who had walked the same path and felt my immense heartache, was comforting. To cry out to the Lord and seek His face together was life changing. I had struggled with the why for far too long. Our speaker that year stated, “Healing isn’t in the why, but in our Savior.” Wow, such a profound statement! I had never even thought of that, and my soul rejoiced in knowing that a why was not what I needed at all. I needed to lean on my Savior even more, because it is in Him that I would find my path to my healing.

This profound statement is one I continue to use often in my loss journey as I minister to other mothers who have lost their children. Adalyn Layne’s story has brought me such heartache, but as I share our story of how God is so much bigger than pain and heartache, it is bringing healing and hope to so many moms. 

To this day, almost three years later, I am continuing to learn to lean on Christ even when everything feels like it is falling apart. Though hard at times, I now know I can find peace in the living hope of my Savior in every moment of my journey. In the highs and lows, my sweet Jesus is enough. God continues to shape me into something new. Daily, He is refining me and creating a vessel He can use for His glory. I am becoming so much more than I could have imagined, and as He continues to mold me, I am learning to sing again.

I have learned that the work God does within us while we walk through an unimaginable tragedy has significant importance in how He uses us to glorify Him. Though I would have never chosen to lose my beloved daughter, Christ has perfectly orchestrated each step of my heartbreaking journey to bring glory to His name. And amidst all the pain, tears, and heartache, there has been overwhelming hope, joy, peace, and redemption in Him, not only in my life, but also in the lives of those whom God has purposefully placed before me. As we travel this road, God gives me opportunities to minister to and love on those who have experienced loss. I can share that overwhelming hope, joy, peace, and redemption, and even the pleasure of singing again. Sweet sisters, I now sing His praises again, and this time, it is with far greater love and admiration for our Savior.

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Hi, my name is Erin Thibodeaux. I’m a Jesus follower, wife, mother, and Kindergarten teacher. My husband, Brandon, and I live in China, Texas and have 3 beautiful children, Aubrey (8), Adalyn Layne (with Jesus) and Grayson (3). When I am not enjoying time with my little family, you can find me creating Pinterest boards, shopping for a good deal, or listening to live local music. I am passionate about my family, education, and enjoying simple moments with friends.

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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