Candyce’s Story

In March, 2017, I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. It was such a surprise! My husband Jason and I were overjoyed at the news.

At our first doctor appointment we had an ultrasound to show how far along our little one was. She was a bit hard to find on that first ultrasound picture. Just a tiny little blessing and everything with baby and I looked great.

At my next appointment, my doctor wanted to take extra precautions because I was pregnant in my 40’s, so she ordered a genetic and gender panel for me. This would allow us to know the gender of our baby earlier than I had ever previously experienced. A week after taking the test we got our results, and found out we were having a girl. But we also found out that she could possibly have Turner Syndrome. This news was scary, and we were very worried.

We decided to name our daughter Mattison River. Mattison after my grandfather who had been a pastor and missionary in India for many years, and River because Jason and I had always loved fishing, hiking, and camping by the water. After finding out about the possibility of Turner Syndrome I prayed constantly that she would be okay—that somehow that test was wrong—that our daughter would be healthy and whole. We also had our family and church praying for her.

We were referred to a genetic specialist, and as I went into my first appointment I was so afraid that I was trembling. While I waited, I prayed that the specialist would find that she was healthy. However, the ultrasound verified that she did have Turner Syndrome as well as a Cystic Hygroma, a fluid filled cyst along her spine. I was told that Turner Syndrome babies have a 1% chance of survival to birth, and those that do survive to birth can have complications and problems. The Cystic Hygroma could also become very large and be dangerous for the baby.

I cried as she gave me the details and it felt as though my world was falling apart. My pregnancy was now considered very high risk. I could not work and I needed to be as stress free as possible. I had to be very careful or I could lose her.

I was in such shock I just couldn’t absorb what I had been told by my doctor.

1% chance of survival?
How can that be?
I could lose my baby girl?
Why was this happening?

I was a complete mess. I realized I had to give it to God because it was so much more than I could bear. I was terrified, but I believed that a miracle could happen because I knew with God all things are possible, and that He has a purpose and a plan for us all, even my baby girl.

In the weeks following I had weekly appointments to monitor her growth and development. I was hopeful and anxious at each one. I tried everything I could to keep her safe and make sure she was nurtured and developing well. I clung to God knowing that He was taking care of her and that He was with us always.

She was thriving! She was not showing signs of the Turners Syndrome except for the Cystic Hygroma which continued to grow. Our beautiful baby girl was a fighter. The specialist was amazed at how well she was doing at each visit.

I had hope and I was not giving up. We got a fetal heart monitor and listened to her heartbeat constantly. I started to feel her movements earlier than I did with my other children. It was such a blessing to feel her movements and see her little face at our appointments—such precious moments as I carried her under my heart. I sang and read to her. I dreamed of the days I would be able to hold her, teach her, and be there for her first everything. To watch her grow up.

In June we moved to Texas from Washington so I could be close to my mother. At the first appointment with my new specialist we could immediately see that something was wrong. They could not find Mattison River’s heartbeat, and there was no movement.

I was filled with dread and couldn’t breath.

A second doctor come in to verify that there was not a heartbeat. She had passed. Our baby was with God. She had fought hard and thrived for 22 weeks, but the Cystic Hygroma had become too big for her to continue fighting and her little heart had stopped.

The arrangements were made at the hospital for me to go in to give birth. I was devastated and I wasn’t ready to let my baby go yet. I could not fathom her loss. I sat there crying as my husband called my mother to come be with us and contacted our family. It was the longest most painful 16 hours of my entire life, I have never felt pain like that, physically or emotionally. But my body was not cooperating or letting go, it just was not ready. I had truly believed God would send us a miracle and she would be alright. That she would be the 1% that would survive. But that was not to be.

Mattison River was delivered stillborn. She weighed 1 pound and was almost 10 inches long. They wrapped her in a pink blanket we had received from our baby shower. She was so beautiful! She looked like me and her older sister and had my hands and her father’s feet. Ten perfect little fingers and toes.

I thank God for the 22 weeks I got to spend with my precious baby as she grew under my heart within me.  I know my beautiful baby is in heaven with God, perfect and happy. She will never have to feel pain, and sickness, or experience what sin has brought to this world.

I have grown so much closer in my relationship with God through this time of loss and healing. He is the one who has carried me through the pain and grief of loss. Through this great loss I have experienced God’s love, grace, happiness, peace, and restoration.  My faith in Him is stronger than it has ever been. God held us in His capable hands, never letting us down.

God is always with us. We are never alone. He hears our tears and brings us healing, love, and peace. He has brought answers to our prayers, and healing to my life, reminding me again that He has a purpose and a plan for us all.

As I continue to heal and grow through our Lord Jesus Christ, I am confident that one wonderful day I will see my baby in heaven. What an amazing day that will be!

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We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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