Landry’s Story

My water broke on Saturday, July 24 at 5:15 am (That was the exact same time my water broke with Tyler) I was shocked and a little overwhelmed because Landry was going to be 2 weeks early and I did not have anything ready.. like a bag. I thought I had time so I rushed around like crazy while Ryan took a shower and shaved…. Who could shave and shower at time like this?!?! I was happy that I would finally get to see Landry and that precious face I had been dreaming about since last November. I was also excited thinking that Landry and Tyler’s Birthdays would be two days apart. I was already planning on how they could share Birthdays. I was planning everything out because I thought I would be bringing our littlest home us, but sometimes God has different plans for us.

We called my parents and told them the news so my dad came right over to the house and waited for Tyler to wake up. I know my dad was anxious about meeting his namesake. We got to the hospital and all checked in and I was in my room getting all hooked up to wait for Landry’s arrival. Ryan called his parents so they could make the drive from Fort Worth and I started calling and text messaging everyone to tell them that Landry was on his way. I was not feeling any major contractions so my doctor, Dr. Fothergill went ahead and gave me Pitocin that would start the contractions. I was thankful that he was on call that day and he was there for everything. The Pitocin was started to work so things were moving right along. My parents brought Tyler up to the hospital in his Big Brother shirt. They did not stay too long because Ty kept wanting me to get out of the bed. He did not like seeing me in bed… Ryan’s parents arrived in plenty of time. Papa went over to my parents house so Ghee could come back to the hospital and wait with Nana.

One of the best parts of that Morning was when a good friend walked in and said she was being induced and our little boys would have the same birthday. We talked about all the fun things they can together… oh, if I only knew then what I know now. Our nurses were so wonderful. One nurse, Kala delivered Tyler and she was also going to be there to help deliver Landry. How special that she will be there to see both of my boys.

The contractions were getting strong enough and closer together so I finally got the epidural. This time around I really tried to hold out as long as I could and I am so thankful I did because I am honored that I felt everything about Landry. He was doing so well during all of this, so basically we were just waiting on me to push so Landry could come and join our family. I finally felt the urge to start pushing. When I started pushing Dr. Fothergill said that Landry had flipped over and was sunny side. I looked at Ryan and I know we were both thinking about Tyler….. Well, the good news was Landry with the help of Dr.Fothergill flipped right back. What a cooperative little boy we had. Tyler was not that easy.

Landry James Steele was born at 5:38 pm. Landry weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces and was 20 inches long. He was absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. The only thing that we could tell at first was that he was crier. I remember holding him for the first time and seeing those big beautiful brown eyes for the first time (he had my eyes). He calmed down for a while while I held him and and all our families came in to stare at their beautiful grandson. We were all calling people telling them that Landry made his debut and he was beautiful and healthy. An hour or so after Landry was born his body temperature dropped so the nurse put him under the warmer and a few minutes his temperature was back to normal but he was still crying a lot…… at the time we thought he was just a crier but now looking back he was probably crying because he was in pain. Right before I was going to be moved to the Postpartum wing when they checked Landry’s temperature again and it had dropped again. All I can remember is the nurse saying “Oh my goodness”; my heart dropped. The nurse mentioned that his temperature had dropped again so she wanted to check his glucose level. After the level came back on the scan, she said ” this can’t be right” come to find out his level was extremely high. I am in full panic mode right now. Our nurse re-took his levels several times because she thought maybe she did something wrong. All of the results came back the same. At this time she contacts the NICU and they decide to take him to run some more tests. The door opened to the room and I saw a familiar face. A friend from my childhood was the NICU Nurse that came to get Landry. I felt as though God had sent her to watch over Landry. Cindy was Landry’s Angel.

The Grandparents had already gone home so we followed Cindy (NICU Nurse) in to the NICU as they started running tests on Landry. I was starting to cry, shake, and become very weak….. they encouraged me to go and rest, and Ryan kept telling me that would probably be best. I had him call my parents because I did not want to be by myself and they came up immediately.

This is when the whole story becomes a blur to me. I got to thm room that I should be in with Landry, but instead I was alone. Dr. Fothergill came by and was in shock of everything that is going on. We all were. My parents were in the room with me when Ryan came to the room with two Nurses that said Landry probably hds a virus of some sort but they are going to have a specialist come in. Later on the specialist came in to our room. I can’t remember his name. I know what he looks like and how his voice sounded because I heard his voice several times that night. He mentioned he thought Landry might have had a stroke because his hands were claw like. I knew there was probably more going on but at the point that I started hearing all these things that were wrong with my littlest the room started spinning….. Ryan, me, and my mom tried to get some sleep in between doctors coming in and my sweet dad sat with Landry the whole time he was in the NICU. Poppy did not want to leave his namesake. At 4:00am two doctors and my dad walked in and in that moment I knew something was not right. They did a MRI scan on Landry and the head Neurologist told us the words that we never thought we would here. Landry has massive bleeding on the brain and surgery is just not a option because he is too tiny. The part that got me is they do not know what started it or where it came from… no tears just shaking uncontrollably and I was freezing. Ryan, the rock during this whole time, asked how long Landry had and they did not know. They told us when we were ready they would take Landry off of the machines and we could just hold him and love on him until he went to Heaven. Now looking back on it, I know why Landry probably cried a lot when he was born, because he was in pain. As a mom I feel like I should be able to fix everything and it breaks my heart that I could not fix Landry. Ryan called his parents whom were at our house with Tyler. My mom called a dear family friend that came to our house at 4:30 am to stay with Tyler. I am still in complete shock because the whole pregnancy, labor, and delivery went so well.

Me, Ryan, and both sets of grandparents went in to NICU while they removed Landry from the machines and the Chaplin came to give Landry a blessing while we all prayed over him. A nurse took us to a private room where all the family and friends could all be with Landry. Keep in mind this is Sunday at 5:00 am. A local photographer came to take pictures of Landry. Landry was our little fighter because he was with us for 43 hours. He was so so strong just like his amazing daddy. To be honest a lot of the details are a blur because I was just going through the motions of everything because it felt like my world had stopped because my hopes and dreams for Landry and my family had been shattered and I was going to have to learn how to put the pieces back together and put all of our trust in God.

The day after Landry was born should have been a day filled with getting to know our littlest more and a room filled with visitors welcoming Landry and wanting to get a glimpse of his beautiful face. However, our day was filled with tears and waiting for the Lord to take him to his Eternal Home. It reminded of a waiting game… we knew he was going die but we did not know how long he would live.

I was numb and still in complete shock of everything that was taking place that morning. Both sets of grandparents were there and Ryan’s sisters were coming in town to meet and say good bye to their nephew. Ryan called our Church, Supper Club, and close friends. Ryan was my strength and support during this whole event and he still is. I am amazed that my husband whom was falling apart inside was so strong for us. I thought it was strange that on Saturday we called everyone to tell them that Landry James was here and perfect and not even 24 hours later, we were calling to tell everyone that something happened and Landry did not have much longer here on earth. What a mixture of raw emotions….

Our Pastor and his wife and along with some of our close friends and my parents close friends came up to the hospital during that Sunday to pray over Landry and our family and just to sit and be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and a chance to hold a beautiful child in their arms. Landry was always in someones arms the whole time he was with us. I know that he felt love from so many different people.

Every hour that passed that Sunday was a blessing to us. We had several scares that day when he would stop breathing but Ryan and I always knew how to get him breathing again. We would sigh a sigh of relieve when we heard his big grasp for air. What a fighter we had. I loved the sounds he made while he was breathing. It truly was the most beautiful sound in the world. Since Landry was holding on longer than the doctors expected they put him on a feeding tube so he would not starve. He only opened up his eyes for a little bit on Sunday but the majority of our time with him his eyes were closed and he looked so peaceful. Oh, how I wish I would of stared in to those eyes longer when he was first born. I thought I would have a lifetime to stare in to those dark brown eyes.

I finally broke down in tears when I saw my best friends standing in the hallway coming to meet and say their good byes to Landry. They were the ones that listened to my hopes and dreams and hosted Landry the most beautiful shower.

Tyler. My sweet little boy did really well with all that was going on. My heart immediately broke when I saw him because I know what it is like to lose a brother, too. I was a lot older than Ty when my brother died but still I felt a very special connection to my biggest. Ty was in and out of the hospital a lot, and I know he did understand everything that was going on. I just did not want Tyler to be hurting. We have some of the most amazing friends that would take Ty with them to their house, and my biggest also had his first slumber party with two of his friends so we could all stay at the hospital on Sunday. I thought and worried about Tyler so much when he was away and even when he was at the hospital with us. I was aching for Landry but we also had another little boy that needed us and that was what was the hardest for me.

Our little fighter held on all day on Sunday, so we were anxious to see what Monday held. July 26th will be a day that will live in our hearts forever. On July 26, 2007 we welcomed our first born, Tyler Justin. On July 26, 2010 our second born, Landry James went home to Heaven. It is amazing that one day could hold so much joy one year and then so much pain another year.

My friends were so amazing to Tyler on his birthday. They took him to the park and then they went and got cupcakes and McDonald’s and had a very special birthday party for Tyler in the NICU wing. I am sure the NICU had never seen so many kids. We finally were asked to move to the waiting area. All I wanted is for Tyler to feel loved at all times and I know he did that day and every day since Landry was born, even though his mommy was falling apart inside.

We had more family and friends come on Monday to see Landry. We were completely blessed and humbled by all the love that was being poured down on us and our family.
I remember walking outside the hospital around 12 with Tyler and my best friend, Christina to get Tyler’s over night bag. This was the fist time that I had seen the outside since Saturday Morning. It felt strange to see that life was going on like normal. I felt as though it should have stopped for us…… I saw people laughing and talking and here I am waiting for my son die. Life felt very cruel at that moment.

As soon as we came back to the 3rd floor my moms good friend said you need to go back to Landry and Ryan right now…. my heart dropped and Tyler started screaming because he did not want to leave the play area…. talk about torn. I walked through the the door with a screaming boy and then I turned the corner to the hall where our room was, and I see my best friends Lindsay and KC and my mom and Ryan’s mom and I could tell by the looks on there faces that Landry was gone. I walked in the room to see Ryan standing there holding Landry. Tyler was still screaming and when I walked in the room to be with Ryan and Landry, Tyler screamed at the top of his lungs “I want my Mommy”. I collapsed on the bed and the tears starting coming down. I felt like a horrible mother at that moment. Because I did not know how to help Tyler or Landry.

Ryan put Landry in my arms and I just stared at the beautiful face that was already being held by Jesus. Landry went to Heaven at 12:15pm on July 26, and he was being held by his strong and amazing daddy when he took his last breath. I am so thankful I had said my goodbyes to Landry several times since I was not there with him when he slipped away. We all held onto Landry for a while before having to give him to the NICU nurse. All I could think of when Landry died was how his Uncle Justin, was now holding him….. I felt such a strong connection to my parents because they had walked down this road when my brother died almost 21 years ago. We have had to say good bye to two beautiful boys a lot sooner than we wanted too.

Funeral arrangements were already being planned for Landry. I thought I would be planning a first birthday before a funeral. When it was time for us to say our good- byes and hand Landry back to the nurse that was so hard for me. I carried this precious boy for 9 months, and 2 days after he was born I was having to give him back…. It did not feel right to be leaving the hospital with out Landry and a empty car seat. When we went in to the hospital to have Landry we thought we would be leaving as a family of four but we were leaving as a family of three with just a beautiful memory box with Landry’s hair, footprints, and hand prints. Driving home felt strange because it was normal, just the 3 of us…. but we had all changed and our hearts will always have a place for Landry so now it a new normal for us.

I miss Landry so much and everyday I long to have him in my arms. I know he is safe and being held, so for that I am grateful. Landry James lived for 43 hours and those hours were the most amazing and heartbreaking hours in my life. July 26th will always be a bittersweet day for me. Joy mixed with sorrow……

Holly Steele is thankful to have been be a part of Hope Mommies since the very beginning. It has been absolute blessing on her life. Holly has been married to her husband, Ryan for 8 years. She has three children. Tyler (5) Georgia Kate (19 months) and their son in Heaven, Landry James (July 24-26 2010) Holly is a busy stay at home mom trying to juggle busy schedules. Holly and Ryan love raising money for Scott and White Hospital through Landry’s Legacy.

Visit Holly’s blog at hollyandryan.blogspot.com