Why I Don’t Like the Term “Rainbow Baby”
I first heard the term “rainbow baby” following the loss of my first child due to miscarriage in January 2016. At the time it seemed like a fitting, if not a little too cheesy, name for what I hoped would follow our devastating loss. But now, several months out from the birth and subsequent death of my “rainbow” son, Max, I’m not a fan of the phrase.
Rainbows connote hope after the storm; a beautiful, heavenly light appearing out of the darkness. More importantly, rainbows carry the weight of God’s promise; they are God’s sign that He would never again flood the earth. Rainbows are a reminder to us that God is ever-faithful and longs to show us His goodness and mercy.
The idea of a rainbow baby is much the same. We, the carriers of broken hearts and unfulfilled dreams, the mothers of loss, are led to believe that once we are holding our next child, our pain will be eased and our hope restored. This next baby will be our reward after suffering such great loss; light after the deepest dark. Rainbow babies are a promise that our pain is not futile. These rainbows are a promise that life will go on, and we will be whole again.
But in reality, none of us are promised a healthy, living child. I am not owed another baby. And I do not need one in order for my life to go on or be good. Do I want one? Desperately. I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I have loved several children as my own over the years, and I believe that I am made and called to be a mother. But even if I never get to raise children who are my own flesh and blood, I know that I will be whole.
I am reminded of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Daniel 3 when they were facing certain death in the blazing furnace. They stood in the face of Nebuchadnezzar and declared their faith that God would deliver them. They were confident of the Lord’s ability and desire to save them. But more indicative of their abiding faith is not their declaration that God will deliver them, but what follows: “But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods…” (v. 18) Despite their faith, they knew it was still possible that the Lord would choose not to deliver them. And they were willing to embrace that possibility with open arms.
I do believe I will hold a living baby one day. I believe that the Lord will not withhold the fulfillment of a longing He placed in my heart. I am confident in the Lord’s ability and desire to give us another child. But even if He does not, He is still good, and I am still whole.
I don’t need a rainbow to believe that the storms will pass. Healthy children are a blessing, not a promise. They are not rainbows; they are gifts. And gifts are always unearned. Just because I have had to walk the most painful road a mother could be asked to walk does not mean I have earned or deserve a healthy baby.
Of course, I pray earnestly and fervently that I will have a healthy, living baby in my arms one day. And if I do, he or she will simply be a great gift, not a rainbow.
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Sam is a graphic-designer and marketing professional in Frisco, Texas. She and her husband, Spencer, have been married for 5 years and have two children in heaven. They enjoy serving in their church, building community, and restoring their 100 year-old home. Sam is in two book clubs and can always be found with a book in her purse and a warm beverage in her hand.
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Paige Meyer
May 31, 2017 (9:39 pm)
Love this and your heart! I share these very same thoughts as well about the term. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Praying on your behalf for the Lord to give you a great gift.
Charlene
June 5, 2017 (3:17 pm)
I am so grateful to have found Hope Mommies by picking up ‘Anchored’ in the book store yesterday. I have been yearning for believing sisters who have walked this painful road. Thank you for this post. I lost my ability to have a “rainbow baby” following the stillbirth of my only daughter at 37 weeks. I have been struggling with the term, wondering if an adopted child would hold the coveted title. I absolutely love your perspective on it, and I am encouraged by your faith. Blessings, dear sister, and thank you.
Meleah R
June 9, 2017 (8:44 pm)
Your faith and maturity shine through here. It’s inspirational. But that is the essence of true faith, right? Not believing that God will do something in particular, but believing that God is good no matter what he chooses to do with our lives. We aren’t promised anything good on this earth, all we have is a gift and blessing.
Andrea Fifield
June 30, 2017 (4:49 pm)
You are wise and strong, mama. Thank you for bravely sharing your story. <3
N. V.
July 1, 2017 (4:45 am)
I have a like/dislike relationship with “rainbow baby” … I can see both sides. I had two losses in one year, through miscarriage, after 16 years of pregnancy free marriage. I had embraced my child-free (rather than childless) life by the time I turned 40, but these losses shook my world. They also gave me a new hope for a biological child with my husband, and as the pain was fresh, I wanted, and did not want, to talk about those losses. ‘Hoping for a rainbow’ became my whispered, short-cut phrase. When, as I passed the anniversary of my first, early 2nd trimester loss, I suspected I may’ve been pregnant again, and was!!, it changed to “hoping this will be my rainbow.” Now that my son is here, and almost 8 months old, he is my double rainbow, my sun, my moon, my stars, but all that is secondary. My grief was not blotted out, just my hope fulfilled, and I am good with that. Even before I even got out of the first trimester with him, blessed assurance let me say “all is well with my soul.”
Thank you for sharing your story. Be blessed! ♥
Staci
March 7, 2023 (7:15 am)
This is exactly how I feel. I am currently pregnant with another baby after a few month after my daughter was stillborn at 28 weeks. 7 years before that I had a healthy baby boy. I don’t like the term rainbow baby because of exactly what you stated. There is a reason why God placed a desire in our hearts to be mothers, but mothering may come from fostering, adopting, or other ways. At the same time, I don’t like the way that the world took rainbows to mean something completely different from what God intended. Thank you for your wise way of putting exactly how I feel in words. I will use this to refer people that don’t understand how I feel with this or any other pregnancy