Trusting the Lord in Reoccurring Loss

Each child gone ahead from among us is a precious person made in the image of God—and all having been made into Hope Moms, we together declare motherhood in each of our journeys. Through this series, we honor each other’s experiences of motherhood in love through our shared God of hope.

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At first, I thought that since I have experienced back to back losses, I might be able to share some thoughts from my experiences and what the Lord has taught and continues to teach me. However, I will be honest and say that this topic is extremely difficult to write about. As I reflect on the pain of reoccurring loss, I am hesitant to speak too boldly, because I still remember the deep, agonizing pain. It still has not gone away, and it probably never will this side of heaven. I am hesitant, too, because I do not want to belittle anyone else’s pain or loss, but I do want to speak boldly about my own and about what God has shown me through both of them. 

I went into pregnancy naively and presumptuously. My mom never struggled to get pregnant, nor did she have any complications during pregnancy, so I just figured I would be the same. I assumed that since I got pregnant, we would have a cute, bouncing baby nine months later. My husband and I didn’t even wait the “traditional” 12 weeks before announcing the pregnancy. We announced I was pregnant the week of Thanksgiving in 2017, and then two short weeks later, I miscarried our first child, Noah. I was wrong in my assumption that everything would go well, and I was angry with God that this happened. How could He take my child? 

If I am being honest, I struggled with being angry with God for months. I wondered why this happened, and I struggled with the notion that our Father ordained this loss for His glory and my good. The only thing that brought me real comfort during the first few months after my miscarriage was the fact that I was pregnant again with Isabelle, my baby girl. Instead of placing my hope and trust in God, I was focusing on the gift (my second child) instead of the Giver. 

I struggled during my second pregnancy. I was so afraid of something happening to my baby, and often found myself at the ER or Labor and Delivery making sure nothing was wrong with her. However, even in my fear, I kept thinking to myself that the Lord would not take this child too. So, when Isabelle Hope was born with severe brain damage due to a placental abruption, I did not know what to do. I sat there holding my daughter for two days before she died, and I was numb. How could this have happened again? How have I lost two children in the span of one year? 

After each loss, I struggled with trusting God. I struggled with doubt; I doubted His kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and love for me. At first, I thought He was unkind, and soon after, I started to wonder if He was punishing me for my sins. 

Thankfully, God’s kindness and faithfulness to me were once again manifested in my husband, and my husband reminded me (sometimes daily) that God is faithful and loving even when I am not, and encouraged me to go back to God’s Word and trust in His nature and His promises. 

In Charles Spurgeon’s sermon titled “The Sin of Unbelief” he states,

“Is it not a sin for a creature to doubt the word of its Maker? Is it not a crime and an insult to the divinity, for me, an atom, a particle of dust, to dare to deny His words? Is it not the very summit of arrogance and extremity of pride, for a son of Adam to say, even in his heart, ‘God, I doubt thy grace; God, I doubt thy love; God, I doubt thy power?’’’ (p. 54). 

He goes on to say, 

“In fact, if there can be one sin more heinous than the unbelief of a sinner, it is the unbelief of a saint. For a saint to doubt God’s Word; for a saint to distrust God, after innumerable instances of His love, after ten thousand proofs of His mercy, exceeds everything” (p. 55). 

I was immediately convicted after reading this in Spurgeon’s sermon. How could I doubt God’s love and faithfulness after everything He has done for me? After He saved me and gave me a new heart? As a result of my struggles, and the subsequent conviction of my sin, God brought me to His many promises in His word, and I began praying more and asking the Lord to change me and my heart through these losses. Eventually, I began seeing God’s faithful, loving hand in the midst of the grief. He was there all along, and He showed me kindness and love in ways I never expected. 

I have learned quite a few things as a result of my reoccurring losses. I learned that God is there in the midst of the pain. He never leaves or forsakes His children (Hebrews 13:5). I’ve also been humbled. I am not in control; I could not keep my children alive. However, a loving, faithful, and good God is in control and all He does is good and right. God has not promised me healthy, living children, yet He does give His children good gifts. I have learned to be thankful for my children and the short time I had with them, and to trust God with them because He loves them more than I ever could. Most importantly, I have learned, and continue to learn, to hope in the One who died so that so that I (and my precious children) may live. 

The book of Lamentations quickly became one of my favorites after the death of my children. I cling to the hope found in Lamentations 3:22-23, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” 

So, if I can, I would like to encourage those of you reading to place your hope in Christ, to trust His faithfulness and goodness, and to cling to Him as your only hope. Our feelings do not dictate truth, so it is so important to cling to His promises and His Word in the middle of unimaginable pain. I miss my children terribly, but I thank God they are whole and in glory with Him. I long for the day when we will be reunited, but until then, I celebrate their lives, and I thank God for them and for His faithfulness to me. 

Shortly after losing my second child, I learned I was pregnant again with my third. After a pregnancy marred with complications, I gave birth to a healthy boy named Micah. He has brought me so much joy, yet he has not taken away the pain of losing my other two children, nor is he where I find my ultimate joy and satisfaction. 

I say this not to hurt anyone with empty arms or to say that everything will get better, but to encourage you that babies born after loss are not the ultimate gift. Yes, they are precious gifts and should be cherished beyond words. Yet, our hope is in something (or Someone) far greater. Our hope is in Christ—the Giver—not in the gift. Whether we ever have more children or not, and whether or not we ever experience loss again, He alone is enough, and He alone is worthy of our worship. 

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Ravyn is married to Anthony, and together they have three children: Noah, Isabelle, and Micah. Ravyn is a teacher and loves reading, writing, and hiking.

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