Tiffani’s Story
On the morning of April 23rd, I woke up with this verse in my mind: “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). This verse had special significance to me on that day as my husband and I were headed in for my first prenatal appointment for our third baby. I was about 11 weeks along and was hoping to hear baby’s heartbeat for the first time that day. However, I never heard it.
In the weeks leading up to this appointment, I had started to feel uneasiness that something might be wrong with the pregnancy, even though I really didn’t have any good reason to think so, other than “mother’s intuition.” Perhaps, more likely, God was preparing my heart for what was ahead.
When I woke on the morning of our appointment and thought of that verse from Psalms, I told my husband, “Jesus knows how many days our baby will have.” While that was reassuring in some ways, I was still anxious going into the appointment, and that afternoon it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Our baby was not alive.
Just that quickly we had to switch gears. No longer were we getting information about pregnancy, birth plans, and hospital pre-registrations. Now we were hearing about miscarriage and the ramifications and possibilities that might result. We had to break the news to our two little boys that this baby, the new baby we were so excited for, had died. Our sweet three year old son had been convinced that this baby was a little girl. When he saw me crying later that day, he told me, “Maybe Jesus will give us another sister. And maybe this sister won’t die.”
Our year suddenly changed considerably from what we thought it would be like. Though we had only known we were expecting for about six weeks, we were already making plans and preparations. We loved this baby and were so eager to welcome him or her into our family and home. This journey of miscarriage was one I never wanted to walk through, but yet I have had a peace that obviously was not from me. God held us up and supported us through the love of so many people around us. Never have I experienced prayer support like I did in the days and weeks after we found out that our baby had died. Dear friends, our families, church families, and online friends came around us to grieve and pray for us.
God showed us His grace in so many ways, both big and small. I think He was preparing me, in the weeks leading up to my appointment, for this news. He prepared me so that I would not be completely blind-sided when we heard the bad news. He allowed us to hear this sad news together at our first appointment, instead of later on in the pregnancy when I might have been alone. He put people in my path who had also experienced miscarriage, who were able to grieve with me, share their stories, and encourage me. He gave us two beautiful, sweet little boys who gave their momma lots of hugs and kisses and a reason to laugh and smile instead of only sit and cry. Our oldest son still remembers our baby and sometimes thanks Jesus for “the baby that died.”
God gave me a compassionate doctor who broke the news to me, and a caring nurse who had also experienced a miscarriage. He gave me friends who worked hard to encourage our family and who loved us well. He brought peace to this anxiety-prone momma, and comforted our family in a way I never thought possible when I had previously imagined myself in this scenario.
Looking back on things now, I can see how God gave me what I have prayed for many other times in different situations: His peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced it to this degree. The loss of a baby, even at such a young gestational age, is something I never wanted to experience and never thought I would be able to cope with very well. I have been surprised by the healing that has taken place in my life. It has happened so much more than I would have previously ever thought possible. Now I see that this healing has occurred because of God’s peace, peace that I really can’t understand or explain, a peace that comes as God uses terrible circumstances for our eternal good and His glory.
Don’t get me wrong; the grief has hit hard and I have been a mess at times, aching for the baby who I will never hold, never kiss, and never feel kick inside me. But God’s grace and His peace have been prevalent in our family’s story and He has brought healing to us in many ways.
- Tiffani R
Hope Mom to Baby Robinson
Tiffani has been married to her amazing husband, Mark, since 2007. She loves spending time with her family, cooking and baking, traveling, and relaxing with a cup of coffee and a good book!
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