This Thanksgiving, Remember That God Sees You

Mama, I see you. I see your tears, your ache, your pain. More importantly, God sees you. You are not alone, even if you feel like it as the holidays are approaching. “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” right? But often, when we’re in the thick of our grief, it’s not. The coming days may be hard, but not impossible. Even in the thick of our grief, our God promises to be with us constantly and consistently—and He is close, very close, to you, Mama. 

Let me share with you a few ideas of encouragement this Thanksgiving, and remind you, even if you don’t believe it today, that you will get through this. You will, brave Mama, with God’s help.

• Go to the Thanksgiving gathering if you feel up to it. Go late, leave early, take breaks to breathe, or give yourself permission to not go at all.
  
• Cry in the bathroom as much as you need to (and wear waterproof mascara if it helps).
  
• Keep a friend or family member who gets you close by, even if by phone.
  
• Have a set phrase prepared to say when people ask, “How are you?” or, “How have you been?” Perhaps something like, “I’m getting through as best as I can,” or “This is a hard season of life.” or even, “I’m not up for talking about it right now.” 
  
• Check in with yourself as best as you can, and tell others what you maybe-think-you-might need for the holidays. For me, this looked like sending a specific email to all our family members ahead of time, asking that our baby, Isaac, somehow be included in Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then, we had in-person conversations with them about that. None of us had answers for how to actually include him, but it was important to me to verbalize why that was something I needed.
  
• Remind yourself of truth through Scripture, songs, or prayers. Through the many “firsts” after our loss, I desperately clung to truth to help my mind and soul endure the pain and to remind myself that God was still good. I filled any space I was in with praise songs. I played songs that resonated with my soul on repeat, especially when I didn’t know what or how to pray. I asked friends to text me and leave me voicemails of prayers that I could listen to again and again. When I was overcome with panic, sensing intense spiritual attack, I listened to one prayer in particular from my college roommate who reminded me of truth and helped carry me through that dark season with her powerful words of God’s faithfulness and love towards me. I needed that.

• Keep something with you that reminds you of your baby: ultrasound pictures, baby blanket, necklace, momento, anything that can be a tangible reminder of your baby that you so deeply love. 
  
• Excuse yourself if being around other kids or babies is just too much to bear. It’s not that we don’t love or celebrate these precious lives. However, little ones may or may not be a trigger in your grief. Be gentle to yourself in these expected or unexpected moments.

• Keep your eyes and ears open for ways that God shows up specifically for you, because He will.
  

The first round of holidays after my loss, I wanted to crawl into a hole and skip all the events. At the same time, I wanted them to be really meaningful. I remember awkwardly asking my family if we could light a candle at our Thanksgiving meal in honor of our baby, Isaac, who had died. No one knew what to say exactly, or how to go about it. A candle was lit, but not how I had envisioned in my grasping for what to do. 

My sister and I got into an argument in the mix of our different experiences of grief. I cried,  went numb, felt sick to my stomach,  and poured out my heart and my ache to God in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep afterward. It wasn’t fun, yet it was sacred. It was our first Thanksgiving as parents—as parents without our baby with us. 

To be honest, it didn’t feel joyful or celebratory. It felt sad, unfair, and confusing. And somehow, in that raw emotion, I felt seen and known by God. He didn’t judge me or expect me to hurry up with my grief. Rather, He allowed me to feel and cry and sludge through the pain of accepting what was our reality. 

I was reminded of the value of lament and grieving as I slowly read through Timothy Keller’s book, Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering. Many insights from that book reminded me that grief was a process to go through, not one to be skipped or rushed, and that God was entirely with me through it all, even if He felt distant or I felt numb. God showed up for me in those moments, as confusing and painful as they were. He was faithfully with me.

Deep down, I knew that it was going to be ok, somehow. I believed that God loved me and my baby. I believed that God was for us, even though my circumstances were difficult beyond anything I had experienced and our hearts were broken. I was reminded from the Psalmist that God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). I prayed frequently, asking God’s Spirit to be close and to help me put one foot in front of the other. And He did.

The upcoming holidays may be difficult to get through. There may also be unexpected, sweet moments of connection with your sweet baby, even if it seems strange or occurs in glimpses. Your mama-heart for your baby is real and important and God-given, so allow that even if it hurts. Be kind to yourself, and trust in God’s goodness to you, even in this. 

That first Thanksgiving, I ached and cried through each day. I also felt deeply thankful to be Isaac’s Mama—for the moments I experienced with him during pregnancy, and for the depth of love that God was teaching me through him. It was hard, yet I wasn’t alone. Mama, may you experience glimpses of His peace as you remember that God sees you and will carry you through this upcoming holiday season.

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Lauren is a part-time working mama to Isaac and two babies in heaven as well as her boys Samuel and Nathanael at home in Colorado. She is a mental health therapist, recovering perfectionist, and truth be told, often feels overwhelmed as she tries again and again to reorient herself to live life as God intended. Lauren loves all things that bring out a deep belly laugh and tears to her eyes, really (good) hot coffee, Kansas sunsets, trail runs, and being with others who can share in both the joys and sorrows of life. 

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