The Church and Grief: Stephanie’s Experience
In this series, we will explore the unique joys and difficulties we encounter as Hope Moms when re-engaging with church after loss, and seek to help the Church (leaders, members, and ministries) understand how they can come alongside the grieving mother to provide hope, healing, and community in the midst of such great sorrow.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)
As I write this, we are in an unprecedented time. We are mandated to practice social distancing to protect ourselves and our communities from COVID-19. We are told to stay home, away from others. We are not allowed to meet in our schools, churches, or any large gatherings.
Some of us are strongly missing social interaction. But I know there are also some of us who are glad for the excuse to stay home and avoid one place in particular—the Church. For some, it’s the building itself that’s difficult to be in. For others, it’s the people within those walls. And still for others, it’s God Himself.
THE CHURCH BUILDING
We know what happens in here. This is where families come and gather for worship, singing songs of gratitude. This can be so challenging when the last thing we feel is grateful. This building hosts baby showers, baby dedications, and other celebrations that have changed for us due to loss. The building itself just feels daunting. It somehow shifted from a place of worship to a place that holds reminders of all we’ve lost. But if we think about it, the building itself hasn’t harmed us. It hasn’t changed. It remains structurally sound, fulfilling its function. We really can’t blame our avoidance on the building itself.
THE PEOPLE
This is where things get a little grittier. There are an assortment of people and personalities that make up the Church. Some are well-meaning but say insensitive things. Some have never endured such a tragic loss, and they speak out of ignorance. And then, there are those that hold in their arms what we were longing to have—precious babies. They would have been the nursery playmates of our lost little ones. And it just hurts so badly to gaze at their sweet faces. I get it, and boy have I been there. The insensitive comments, the babies that served as reminders of what I didn’t have—it all seemed like too much.
But we can’t really fault people for not understanding our pain. They haven’t been there, so they don’t have a frame of reference to act upon. They are only human, and we ourselves have offered careless remarks to others at times.
GOD
And that brings us to our other reason for avoiding church. If we are being honest, God is probably our biggest hang up about returning to church on Sunday mornings. Perhaps your relationship with God has been altered, and you just aren’t sure if you can trust Him again. We can reason that the church building is just a building. We can excuse, even forgive, the church people for their careless words and actions. But God isn’t a building. He’s not human. He is omniscient, which means He knew this pain would happen. God is omnipotent, which means He could have prevented our babies’ deaths. How do we reconcile the loving God we knew before our loss with the God we now feel disappointment in?
This was my struggle as I sat in a church pew two weeks after my daughter had passed away. I didn’t want to sing the songs. I wasn’t sure I believed the lyrics anymore. I didn’t want to be surrounded by people who couldn’t seem to say the right thing. And I was barely on speaking terms with God. However, I was there, in His house. I showed up. But more importantly, so did He.
The sermon, the songs, His Spirit, it all spoke truth into my soul, reminding me that even though my circumstances had changed, my God had not. I may not know the reason why this happened, but I had reassurance that God remained in control and would breathe purpose into my pain. Once I let go of my anger and mended my relationship with Him, I was able to rejoice again in the celebrations at the church, join in the singing, and engage in fellowship with my church family.
God used the Church to minister to me through the wisdom of our pastor and the thoughtfulness of our Sunday school class. Our pastor’s sage advice has remained with me even nine years later, and I share it often with other grieving moms:
“It’s ok to be mad. Just don’t stay mad.”
-and-
“Don’t put your faith in the miracle but in the Miracle Worker.”
His words acknowledged my feelings but cautioned me to not be ruled by them. I learned that I had to separate my expectations of God from the true nature of God. I am limited in what I can see and understand, but He is not.
Our Sunday school class had a tree planted on the church playground in honor of our daughter, Kinley. They also gave us a beautiful plaque that hangs in our house, a remembrance of Kinley and an expression of their friendship. These dear friends supported us greatly during this time and showed their genuine love and friendship for us in many ways. God used His people to be His hands that embraced us and His feet that came alongside us in our walk through the valley.
I realize that not everyone’s post-loss church experience is the same. I know that some people have painful memories associated with church and feel isolated and hurt. There are no perfect churches, but we do serve a perfect God. As we get to know His character through His Word, prayer, and sound, biblical teaching, we see God’s hand in our lives. When we seek Him, He reveals Himself to us.
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)
“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.”
Psalm 9:9-10
So, here are my challenges for you:
- If you have a church home, go there. Allow God to pour into you through His body of believers.
- If you don’t have a church home, find one. They can provide support and guidance as you navigate your loss.
- If there are people in the church who have hurt you, forgive them. Letting go of your resentment ushers in peace and frees you from the bondage of bitterness.
- Get involved in a church ministry. Fellowship and service are extremely helpful outlets that offer purpose.
- Don’t stay in your anger or sadness; let God restore your joy.
- Study God’s Word. You will find comfort and peace through His message to you.
God designed the Church for worship and fellowship. Step through those doors and into His arms. God longs to offer you comfort, rest, and encouragement.
“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”
Psalm 91:4
“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!”
Isaiah 30:18
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28
- Stephanie
Hope Mom to Kinley
Stephanie Blanks is married to Matt and has four children: Lyston (9), Kinley (who went home to Jesus in 2011), Levi (6), and Leighton (4). Stephanie works at the Chamber of Commerce in her small town of Hondo, TX. She enjoys singing in her church praise band, running, reading, and spending time with her family at the lake. You can read more from Stephanie on her blog.
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