Sara’s Story
April 5 was like any other Easter Sunday. My husband, Jeremy, was drumming, and I was helping lead worship. We arrived early and had two successful services. During the middle of the third service I helped out in the nursery, as it was over-packed with babies, and talked about the precious wee-one growing inside of me. Then, before heading back on stage at the end of service I went to the bathroom and saw it: blood.
I immediately started to freak out as I hadn’t spotted once during the previous ten weeks. I called my doctors office and they were less than helpful, and so Jeremy and I decided to go to the ER right away. The wonderful blessing about our church is that when Jeremy and I didn’t show up at the end of the service, people knew something was wrong and immediately started to pray.
Because I wasn’t in any pain at this point, we waited in the ER for a couple hours before I was seen. I had an ultrasound with the camera facing the opposite direction, so I couldn’t see what was going on. The ultrasound tech was extremely nice and comforting which made the time pass easier. When the doctor came back a few minutes later he sadly confirmed our worst nightmare. Our baby had no heartbeat and was measuring at only seven weeks.
I felt like someone had stepped on my chest, and while I wanted to take deep breaths, I couldn’t. The doctor continued to talk and give more information, yet I heard nothing. My mom walked back into the room right after he came in, and all I had to do was look at her and shake my head. When the doctor left, an instant stream of tears began flooding out of all of us. All I had ever hoped, prayed, and dreamt about was being a mom, and now it wasn’t going to happen.
The following 28 hours were a complete whirlwind. I called my doctors office Monday morning at 8:30, exactly when they opened. When they hadn’t called me back by 10:30, my mom called them and asked what was going on. They finally called back a few hours later, telling me that because I wasn’t “bad enough” I could wait a few days before coming in. In the meantime, by the grace of God, we had found another doctors office and was able to get in that day. It turned out to be a blessing and the doctors there were so incredibly nice.
It seemed as if my body was incapable of passing the baby naturally, so I scheduled my D&C for that coming Thursday. Jeremy and I went home and laid on the couch for the new few hours. Around 6:00pm, my body decided to speed itself up and began the process I was dreading. After another painful night in the ER, I left, completely empty.
Jeremy and I decided to name our baby, even though we didn’t know the gender. His name is Everett Finn which means brave, fair, warrior. It’s perfect. I was able to talk about our baby and have a name to use for him.
I wish I could name every single person that has prayed for, texted, called, and messaged us, but to be honest, I don’t know every name. There have been people praying for Jeremy and I that I have never met before, and will probably only meet in heaven one day. It just goes to show the power of community, prayer, and family.
I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I’m totally okay, because to be honest, I’m not. My heart is completely broken. My mood can be great and then instantly turn to sadness. I don’t ever want people to think I’m angry with them, but when I’m sad, my initial reaction is to retreat and hide. It can be difficult to find the line between grieving and mourning the loss of my baby and creating unhealthy patterns as I dwell only in my sorrow.
In my mind, I had done everything “right.” I had worked through past abuse to get myself healthy, I didn’t open my heart up to anyone other than who Christ intended, and I had saved myself until marriage. Yet, it still happened to me. I still lost my baby. It was hard to not feel like just another statistic.
Worship music has been a constant in my life, and it seems like now more than ever I’ve been in tune to the Spirit and have been able to speak life over those around me. If you need prayer, pray for people. If you need encouragement, encourage someone. If you need a coffee date, take someone out. Just don’t close off that communication. The pain is raw, and my heart is broken, but each day comes new opportunities for healing, and for God’s comforting touch to come over me.
- Sara
Hope Mom to Everett Finn
Sara Colquhoun is a lover of Jesus, wife to Jeremy, and Hope Mom to Everett. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia where she loves adventures with her hubby, reading, blogging, tacos (bring on the extra guacamole!), worship, and spending time with her students from the youth group. Her prayer is that as she is transparent with her story it would allow others to find hope in knowing they are not alone.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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