Paige’s Story

After almost a year of trying, we finally got pregnant with our second baby and were able to surprise my Dad on Father’s Day with the news.  Just six short weeks later on July 26, our family got the worst blow we have ever experienced when we lost my Dad (only 52) unexpectedly in an electrical accident while working under my parent’s farmhouse.  A week to the day following his accident I started experiencing complications and was immediately sent to my doctor’s office for an ultrasound.  Much to my relief there was still a strong heartbeat, everything seemed fine and I was instructed to rest.

The complications continued though and I spent the next 14 weeks on bed rest where I couldn’t go to work, lift my son, or even take care of my own basic needs.  I was reminded often, “this is only a season, and it will all be worth it in the end!”  I was in and out of doctor’s offices constantly and at 21 weeks I was sent to a perinatal specialist in Austin due to suspicious quad screen results which signaled possible neural tube defects. When the day of the appointment came, the ultrasound tech started checking things and assured us that everything appeared healthy with Caleb and he had absolutely no problems.  Once again, the Lord had shown us his faithfulness.

At 23 weeks and 4 days my water broke and I went into active labor with Caleb.   I was airlifted to The Woman’s Hospital of Texas where I was told they would deliver “tiny babies.” There were so many aspects of this experience that were emotionally overwhelming.  We were still grieving the loss of my Dad just weeks before.  Now we were having conversations with NICU doctors about mortality rates and with fetal maternal specialists about the risks to my own health.  In the following weeks, I went back & forth to Labor & Delivery, had multiple blood transfusions, and several instances when we had to stop labor.  Through it all I continued to seek truth and trust the Lord’s plan.  I had never fully grasped Philippians 4:7 that talks about the “peace that surpasses all understanding” until then.  I set goals and made up my mind that if this was where the Lord wanted me, I was going to allow Him to use me.

Since it was around Thanksgiving, we hung a gratitude tree and I daily placed cards in it reminding me to be grateful IN all things even if I wasn’t grateful FOR all things.  It was amazing to see the way that the Lord used this. In the past, I wouldn’t say I was ever ashamed of my faith, maybe just less bold.  In this season, the Lord brought me to a place where I truly had no control and absolutely nothing to lose.  The Lord allowed me more opportunities to share my faith in those 3 weeks confined in a hospital bed than I had ever experienced my life.

At 26 weeks on November 7th around 5:00pm, a placental abruption sent me to the operating room to deliver Caleb Jene Meyer at 6:40pm.  He weighed 1 lb. 14 oz. and was 13” long.  I knew he was in critical condition, but for some reason that didn’t register with me.   We were in one of the best hospitals in the nation.  Everyone who had babies in the NICU were so full of hope and continually reassured me, “My baby was tiny but look at him now!” This would be no exception.  He was supposed to be the “beauty from the ashes.”   He was the piece of my heart that was always supposed to remind me of those last memories with Gpa when we announced our pregnancy on Father’s Day.  I went to sleep that night naïve to what was in store.

I was awakened several times that night with news that Caleb was not doing well.  I had gone down to the NICU in a wheelchair but was unable to stay due to the amount of physical pain I was in from my classical C-section and some complications with pain meds. A little before 7:00am, the nurse came back in the room and told me I needed to go to the NICU again.  Caleb had been resuscitated several more times and there was nothing else they could do for him. My husband, Nathan, quickly wheeled me back down to the NICU.  When I got in there, I remember seeing my mom sobbing and knowing this was it.  They unhooked him from everything so I could hold him.  It was beautiful to hold my tiny baby boy for the first time, yet absolutely gut-wrenching. We had fought so long and so hard together.

A few minutes after they placed my sweet baby in my arms, just 13 hours after he was born, he breathed his last breath and went to be with Jesus.  I’m not sure how much longer I held him.  I remember sobbing with my mom and my husband in that moment. It was too much to bear.  I believe in a God who can do miracles; yet, in 15 weeks’ time, I had seen 2 moments where God saw it best not to do what my heart ached so desperately for Him to do.  We thought Caleb’s life would be the beauty from the ashes, the ugly beautiful, the joy in the midst of sorrow…It wasn’t.  I’m reminded over and over of The Prisoner in the Third Cell, by Gene Edwards that talks about God not living up to our expectations.  That was so true in my life.  I expected God to save Caleb.  Hadn’t we been through enough?  Didn’t we deserve some joy in the midst of all the pain we had already endured? I had fought for Caleb’s life for so long, but all for what? Then I’m reminded of the quote “blessed are you who are not offended by me.”  I am called to trust His will for my life even when the suffering seems too much to bear.  So I continued to cling to Isaiah 49:4 that says, “I have labored in vain; I have spent my strength for nothing at all.  Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand and my reward is with my God.”

November will mark 2 years since we lost Caleb.  While it would be easy to reflect on what God didn’t do, I am reminded that there are so many ways that the Lord did come through for us.  He sent people to encourage and pray for us along the way, sent godly doctors and nurses, strengthened our marriage, allowed people to step in and care for our child, and sent people to do our laundry and cook us meals.  He physically saved my life when I had no idea how desperately I needed saving.  He has done a work in our lives that we never could have imagined.  He brought me to a place where I knew my faith was finally my own.  The truths I knew and could tell you that I learned growing up had now become more real to me than ever.  The Lord gave me a peace that surpassed all understanding, He had become my sustainer, my comfort, and He upheld me with His victorious right hand.  And as if that all wasn’t enough, we welcomed Jacob Jene Meyer into our family in May of this year.

“This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket. Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” “What is your name?” the man asked. He replied, “Jacob.” “Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him. “From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.” “Please tell me your name,” Jacob said. “Why do you want to know my name?” the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there.” Genesis 32:24-29 NLT

We have wrestled with the Lord a great deal over the last 2 years and while we now walk with a limp after losing our sweet Caleb, we can say with confidence that we have received blessings in more ways than we ever could have imagined.

Paige

– Hope Mom to Caleb Jene

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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