Kayla’s Story

Today marks 10 months without our first child, Anna. When I think back to the week that lead to her death and every day since I can’t say I have one specific thought or feeling that captures it all.  Words fail to express the overwhelming emotions and lessons that come with the loss of a child because it’s messy, grievous, and at times embarrassing. But what has been clearly defined through it all is that God is who He says He is, even when life isn’t what you’ve expected.

At 16 weeks pregnant I experienced mild cramping all morning at church. I remember worshiping God with the song “I Will Look Up” for the first time. As each edifying lyric was sung, I had a suspicion something might not be right so I began to cry at the thought of it all. I often let my mind wander in the unknown so I decided it was best to brush it off as normal and go home to rest. My nap resolved the cramping, but when I stood up my water broke and eventually became blood tinged.

I was admitted to the hospital and heard our baby’s heart beating as I had a few times before. I recognized it and my heart was relieved at the sound of hers. She was alive! Thank you Jesus!  But after an exam, our new reality quickly deflated the rejoicing. We were told that although she was alive now, there was no hope in saving her due to the fact that she had no water left surrounding her.  My cervix was completely dilated and infection had already set in.  The doctors at this point were more concerned with the infection endangering my life than saving hers so they pushed for an induction of labor. I am an ICU nurse so I knew that my health was in serious danger, but against my medical knowledge we waited and we prayed. The first day I prayed God would save her life knowing He could make a miracle happen. I just knew if she were to live we could look back at this journey and exclaim to the world, “look what God has done!” I desired with all my heart to trust Him more than I ever had before to make a miracle of healing happen. I thought, “Lord this would give you great glory to save this baby’s life,” but with time I accepted that He had only given her to me for this short time; her life on Earth was coming to an end. There was a peace in those moments that surpassed all Earthly knowledge when I realized God ordained my child to be in His presence forever. This peace didn’t come from an audible voice, nor the profound words of those who came to see us.  This peace came from what we already knew about God before this moment in time. He is loving, faithful, kind, and trustworthy and that was still true as our situation remained uncertain.

Her delivery was beautiful and medication free with a midwife, just as a we had planned. My husband was a great labor coach using techniques we had already learned in our birth classes. She was delivered lifeless to us at 17 weeks, but alive for eternity into the arms of Jesus.  We had names picked for our children already, but knew this child would need a special name so we picked out Anna Joy. Anna because it meant God has been gracious and Joy because of the immense joy she brought into every area of our lives.  She not only taught us what joy meant after a year of waiting to get pregnant, but her life and death taught us there is joy still in the midst of suffering.

He graciously protected my life and honored our choice to wait despite the danger I faced. He answered prayers that were so specific and difficult that I knew He was listening to every cry of my heart. The nursing staff and midwives treated me gently with empathy and compassion, a true gift as I wasn’t planning a hospital birth. They were life affirming in their support of my choice to protect Anna’s life as well as in their bereavement services.   We heard stories of friends from near and far falling to their knees in prayer, submitting this situation to our Lord asking for protection and healing.  We even heard stories of multiple people waking in the middle of the night burdened with the need to intercede for her life and our situation. Our families, friends and church family visited daily to pray and cry with us. We saw the church body being obedient to God through this trial like I’ve never seen before, because we were all unified in trusting His sovereignty no matter the outcome. 

When we arrived home the cards, flowers, meals, and support flooded in. One of my close girlfriends even cleaned our bathrooms for me. Our church and community collected enough money to cover all my medical costs as well as the lost wages from my 7-week absence from work. Even our unbelieving friends were just as loving and empathetic for our loss.  All of the Lord’s provision constantly overwhelmed us, again strengthening our trust in His plan. These glimpses of Jesus’ nature through immeasurable support and love taught us how to truly care for others in their time of need.

Our marriage was strengthened through our grief as we clung to one another and Jesus, praying together like we never had before in submission to His will for us. As grieving mama I have had my ups and downs, but again the Lord has protected me from depression and absolute despair. He has grown my faith in Him and has sanctified me through this process more than I ever thought possible.  Still to this day, each time I take my eyes off Him I begin to sink the in grief and unknown, but as He promised in Isaiah 26:3: if my mind is STAYED on Him, I’m kept in perfect peace. He has gifted me with the chance to share my story with many, and more importantly share His truth because of it. 

Later I would be diagnosed with an incompetent cervix was the reason for our loss.  This brought on a process of grieving new losses: my perceived perfect health and the ease of future pregnancies.  This wasn’t a fluke, but a condition that needed treatment and my body’s failure was the reason our daughter had died. I found myself crying out to Him again for healing and protection for the children that had yet to be conceived, not fully understanding why this was happening to us. It was another chance to trust in His sovereignty over our lives.  Eventually, he gently answered my requests with support groups, options, and experienced doctors. 

God used this tragedy marked with great sorrow and difficultly to induce obedience, trust, and submission in a community of believers, but especially in me.  With all this goodness and so much more unmentioned, we also have the assurance that our daughter is at the feet of Jesus, worshiping Him for all eternity.  Only a loving Father could create this beauty from ashes for His glorification and our ultimate good. After all, my first prayer from the start was answered: we can all look back at this journey and exclaim to the world, “Look what God has done!”

I am married to Justin and love reading, writing, teaching, and being with friends! I work in the hospital as an RN, but volunteer as Nurse Manager at our local crisis pregnancy center. My personal ministry passion includes leading women to deeper understanding of Jesus’ truth through their marriage struggles, sexuality, and miscarriage.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.