Jessica’s Story

On June 13, 2010, I discovered that I was pregnant with our third child in three years. There was a great deal of shock and restlessness as we began to prepare our home for three babies. My first two pregnancies were textbook and without nausea or complications. So, as my third pregnancy began and the sickness ensued, it was even harder for me to accept that this was God’s plan for me. However, God laid Jeremiah 33:3 on my heart and began to transform my thoughts to His thoughts—“Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” We began to digest the reality, and we were ready to welcome a new baby into our family. We trusted that this child was a gift and that God would reveal to us great and mighty things.

As we excitedly headed into our 18-week ultrasound, my husband and I were giddy with anticipation. We had decided to not find out the gender and await our baby’s arrival.  As the ultrasound tech scanned my growing belly, I could tell things were amiss. I have had two children prior to this pregnancy, and I knew what the regular routine was. As she left the room to find the doctor, I turned to my husband, Corey, with worry that something was wrong. Then, I dismissed that thought because most likely everything was fine and she just preferred the doctor’s presence.  The doctor came in and scanned my belly for a few seconds, and then he started talking. He was talking so fast that I could not really understand what he was saying. I had never heard the things he was telling me. I was carrying a baby without a brain, but he or she was still living. How is that possible? We asked the doctor to write this incompatible-with-life-diagnosis down. He wrote “anencephaly” on a tiny piece of paper.  He quickly recommended that we terminate our pregnancy that day. He stressed how much easier it would be for me now instead of continuing with the pregnancy. It all felt so wrong. This little life was moving and had a strong heartbeat. How could we terminate?  Our baby was alive, and the doctor was asking me to end his or her life. We asked a lot of questions, and the doctor agreed that we should come back the following day to consult with a high-risk doctor.  As soon as we were escorted out the side door, my husband and I turned to each other, knowing that there was no way we would end our pregnancy that day.  We knew that this child was Gods, and that He would decide when to call our baby home—that was not our choice.

We were able to spend some quiet time together that afternoon. We prayed along a river-walk where it was beautifully quiet, sunny, and breezy. We sat, talked, cried, and prayed. Even during that time God was laying out a peace and comfort that I had never experienced. He was calling me to obey, rely, and serve by choosing life and choosing Him. He began to hold me tight and show me how this little life mattered. We prayed that God would heal our baby’s skull because we knew that God was still knitting this sweet child in my womb, and He had the power to heal. There was a Psalm that was comforting to me because it is obvious that God’s hands were the ones at work as Elias was being formed.

“For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Psalm 139:13-14

The protection, peace, and comfort I felt throughout my pregnancy was only through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This sweet life mattered in God’s eyes, and I knew it. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” He created them. “Created” refers to an action which can be performed only by God.  God had knit this sweet baby in my womb for His glory. We chose Elias for a name which means “my God is Lord.” Despite our desires to bring this baby home, we trusted our God and His ways.

On February 18, 2011, our son, Elias Andrew, was born alive and with a strong heartbeat.  We spent a beautiful, sunny, winter day with Elias and a few visitors. He was held, loved, and prayed for.  That evening we began to see the effects that nearing the end of life was taking on his sweet, little body. He started to have seizures, and we asked all of our family to leave for some alone time with him.  We began to praise the Lord with our voices while trusting that Elias would no longer feel the effects of sin in this world, but the beauty of heaven. As we sang the song “You Are My All in All”, we believed the words we sang:

“You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I’d be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God.”

Elias went to be with our Lord and Savior as we praised Him.  He slipped beautifully from our arms to the Lord’s. It could not have been a more perfect and peaceful time. The days, weeks, and months after Elias’ passing, the tidal wave of grief hit. I had the expectation that because my pregnancy had been so peace-filled that after he passed, the ease of life would continue. God continued to be faithful and carry me through the questions, fears, doubts, anger, and the physical hurt I was so unaware I would experience.  My body constantly reminding me that I delivered a sweet baby just days, weeks, or months before was so heavy. The way my heart ached to hold my son and feel his skin again was agonizing. I continually called out to the Lord while begging Him for healing.  Walking on the tight rope of grief, The Lord met me there every time I fell off the rope—lifting me up. He reminded me of His love through scripture, my husband, and dear friends.

The “Book of Psalms” was my resting place. That was a part of scripture where my hurts were confirmed and restored in the name of the Lord.  God opened the doors to share Elias’ life with others. I share how Elias’ life mattered to God, and it had an impact on His kingdom.  Elias continues to be a part of our family, and we celebrate the life he lived. 17 months after Elias was born we learned that God was knitting together another precious baby. We hoped and prayed for a healthy, living child. However, at 11 weeks gestation, we learned that our sweet baby was called to the arms of Jesus. Through the loss of Elias, God had drawn me closer to Him. During this miscarriage, I trusted and leaned deeper into God’s sovereignty and love.   As the years passed, I connected with women who had suffered loss and were looking for ways to bring hope into their lives. I was finally introduced to Hope Mommies, and I jumped on board to support a new chapter that had just been established in our area. It is a blessing to be able to gather together and hold space for our children and build a supportive community based on our hope in Christ.

My name is Jessica Barnes, and I am a stay at home mom who waitresses part time at a lovely, family-owned, Italian restaurant.  I have been married to Corey for 13 years.  We have four children here on earth, Ethan (9), Ella (7), Emmett (4) and Edison (20 months).  We also have two children in heaven, Elias and Baby E. There is a great deal of pain and sorrow involved in death, but there is much beauty to be seen when trusting in the Lord. We waited and prayed for a miracle, but God had a different story He wanted told, and it was all about Him!

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.