Holly’s Story
“I remember looking out my hospital window and gazing at all the cars going by and the people walking in the parking lot and thinking that the world should not be moving right now—because my world just came to a screeching halt. How could our happily ever after turn into our worst nightmare in the blink of an eye?
My water broke on Saturday, July 24, 2010. I was shocked and a little overwhelmed because Landry was going to be two weeks early, but I was overly excited about finally seeing that precious face I had been dreaming about. I think the best part was that Landry and our older son, Tyler, would have birthdays only two days apart. I was daydreaming about joint birthday parties as were anxiously making sure we had everything ready to make our way to the hospital.
Labor was going smoothly, and before I knew it was time to start pushing. Delivery was fast, and at 5:38pm we welcomed our littlest, Landry James Steele. Landry weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces and was 20 inches long. He was absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. The big announcement was made to all our family and friends. Grandparents and big bother immediately started doting over our beautiful brown-eyed boy.
A few short hours after Landry was born, our excitement turned to concern. Our nurse was having a hard time regulating Landry’s body temp, and after several abnormally high glucose tests, my husband and I followed a team of nurses to the NICU. My whole body went numb at that moment.
After several more hours of tests and waiting, we finally awoke from a restless sleep with two doctors standing in front of us and uttering the words we never thought we would hear. An MRI test found massive bleeding on his brain, and they both thought he only had a few hours to live. I was shaking uncontrollably and the whole room was cold. There were not enough blankets in that moment that could have brought me warmth. Words were failing me through chattering teeth. How could Landry be dying? This was not part of our hopes and dreams for him.
In the early morning hours we stood and watched a team of doctors remove Landry from all the machines, and as a family we sang to our littlest— “Jesus Loves me.” It is still a song that I sing often to Landry’s siblings. There was so much beauty creeping through the darkness on my heart during the time we held and loved on our littlest. Landry was so loved, and that is all he felt during his time on this earth. Landry was never left alone or put down for one moment.
Landry proved his toughness by living longer than anyone could have predicted, and he will always be our littlest fighter. Landry took his final breath at 12:15pm on July 26 in his Daddy’s arms, which was also happened to be his big brother’s birthday. 43 hours of life. Far too short, yet enough time to leave an everlasting impact on our family.
What has become so obvious to us since those amazing and heartbreaking 43 hours was that God was there and He was a part of every single detail in Landry’s life. To this day, we still don’t know why Landry was called back to God. The doctors still can’t fully explain what happened, yet we persevered with the knowledge that God is with us, and God is big enough to handle all of our anger, pain, frustration, and resentment. Landry’s life, despite only being 43 hours, served a purpose. Despite his death, our son is still very instrumental in how we live, and his legacy will live in our hearts forever.
Our world was brought to a screeching halt nearly 11 years ago. My heart is marked and bruised, but over time, God has taken my hurt and hard days and made me happy again. He has taken my sorrow and made me smile. God makes things beautiful in time. We must just hang in there and walk this road with patience and perseverance, and when we do, we will see that from the pain, hope and joy can still flourish.
- Holly
Hope Mom to Landry James
Holly serves as the Hope Box Coordinator for Hope Mommies. She and her husband, Ryan, have four children. Tyler, Georgia Kate, their son, Landry in heaven, and Elizabeth. Holly loves anything involving watching her kids play sports and dance, family, friends, Starbucks, and Target.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
Brianna Dickson
January 4, 2018 (1:19 pm)
Hi!
My name is Brianna, and my hope baby is also named Landry. He was our third baby in three years born two years and two days after his brother. I too was dreaming of joint birthday parties, but six months after Landry was born, he was called home. He went down for his morning nap on his back with no blankets or anything in his crib, and I couldn’t wake him up. I did CPR, he threw up in my mouth, and he had a pulse, but took his last breath in my arms. The doctors still don’t know what happened- that SIDS is just rare and that sometimes the brain tells the lungs to stop breathing. I miss him so much every day, and my two year old is a constant reminder of what could have been since they were exactly two years and two days apart. But I’m thankful the Lord is able to carry me until I get home. Thank you for sharing your story.