Erin’s Story

I’ve heard a lot of people say that when they went through something hard, they felt the closest to God during that season than they ever had before —that just wasn’t the case with me.

Emma Grace was our first child.  Everything was going perfectly with the pregnancy when we went in for our routine 20-week ultrasound in October of 2011, then everything changed.  After finding out that there were many things medically wrong with our precious girl, we left the doctor’s office in complete shock and devastation.

I remember thinking, this is where the rubber meets the road. This is where we get to live out the faith that we have professed and said we have believed our whole lives. This is when we get to choose to walk with the Lord or not.

I truly felt like I was at a fork in the road in that moment.  I chose the Lord, but it wasn’t easy.

During my entire pregnancy, from that moment on, I actually felt furthest from the Lord than I ever had in my entire life. I felt like He was silent and I felt hurt by Him.

Looking back, I see that He was so faithful. He did speak and give me exactly what I needed, but I took things personally—which wasn’t right. I took it personally that the Lord wasn’t answering our prayers for healing our baby girl the way we desired. She was so desperately wanted. I was especially hurt when I played the comparison game while looking around at a sinful world that has so many orphaned children.

In all honesty, the Lord was revealing a part of me I hadn’t realized about myself. I had unknowingly believed that if I did things right and followed the rules, then things would work out the way I desired them to.  I’m a rule follower by nature and I like that when I follow the rules, I usually get a good result—that’s not life.

God isn’t constrained by what we think is a “good result.”

What a hard lesson to swallow! God doesn’t owe me anything. I am just as broken as any other person out there. I was striving daily not to let my faith be compromised by this broken, sinful world that I am part of until I am made whole one glorious day. The Lord was beginning to steer me away from circumstantial faith. As the months went on, He gently and painfully taught me and grew me through my daughter’s life.

He spoke to me through family and friends who loved us incredibly, and He prepared me for what was to come through different experiences along the way. I submerged myself in the stillness of sitting before Him—completely broken, not able to form the words, and only able to offer Him myself and my pain. Often, I didn’t feel like spending time with Him, but I did anyway because I knew His faithfulness was just as present then as it had been in the past. I learned the value of keeping a list of the things I could be thankful for and ways I was seeing Him work—no matter how small, when it was extremely difficult to see beyond my grief that there was anything good in life at all. It was a battle between what I knew to be true and what I was feeling from the circumstances happening to me.

This was a huge concept for my heart to process. Understanding that our circumstances in life will change—for good or sometimes very bad—while knowing that God never changes. He’s always been the same. So, if I am confident that every word in the Bible is true, then I can hold confidence in God’s will. He is sovereign and always good—no matter my circumstances. I learned that, while God did not author the sin that first brought death into the world, still, my personal definition of what is good can be sometimes very different from the Father’s.

Now I can honestly say, that I’m thankful for that incredibly hard road the Father allowed and walked me down. I’m a different person because of it. I did not want this, I did not choose this, and I did not want to be used by Him through this at the time. But as always, the Lord has a bigger plan. He knows what we need, such as brokenness to understand our need for Him. He truly does create beauty from ashes. I am closer to the Lord now because of His faithfulness and my choice to keep choosing Him, even when my emotions fought that choice.

Emma Grace thrived in my belly and almost went full term. She was born on March 30, 2012, and ended up being diagnosed with Severe Amniotic Banding Syndrome. We were able to take her home on hospice care, and our precious, determined, strong girl lived for 15 days. She was held and loved that entire time. Emma died in our arms on the evening of April 14. This was one of the most excruciating moments of my life, but that’s not the end of our story.

We chose the name Emma Grace because it means “complete” and “whole” and that is truly what she is now. She is whole and we cannot wait to have her welcome us in heaven and show us around. One day closer.

I’m Erin, disciple of Jesus Christ, wife to Marshall, Hope Mommy to Emma Grace, and stay-at-home Mommy to Ella and Jude. We live in the country in Whitehouse, Texas. I like to stay busy spending time with my family and friends. I’m really involved in Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) and our church. In my working days, I worked as a Speech-Language Pathologist.

 

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We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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