Corinne’s Story

“God, please cradle my fragile heart and remind me that its ok to love and accept the child within me.”

These are the words I wrote in my prayer journal the night before I found out that my baby had no heartbeat. Weeks had gone by that I carried this baby with no beating heart. These very same words I had written the night before, became the immediate first words I heard in my mind when the ultrasound tech said, “I’m sorry.” Even before those words left her mouth, I couldn’t look at the monitor. The anxiety and fear of losing another baby less than six months apart was just too much.

Five minutes later, I was dabbing a tissue into each corner of my eye as my doctor hugged me. My 14-month-old son played on the floor with a toy car while my husband tried to console me with his eyes. I was just angry, ready to leave and go on with my day. I could hear ringing in my ears and words from my doctor like, “sometimes this kind of thing just happens” and, “it’s much more common than people realize,” followed by other words like “surgery” and “medication.” I didn’t want to make a decision right then, but I knew I just could not go through another miscarriage at home by myself. Later that day I called my doctor and decided to schedule a D&C for the following Monday.

I couldn’t understand why this was happening. Again. I had taken progesterone this time around to decrease my risk of losing another pregnancy. Another baby. I had a healthy, text-book pregnancy with my son. In fact, it only took us two cycles to get pregnant. I deeply struggled with postpartum depression after I gave birth, but I was on the upswing. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and then…why now did my defectiveness decide to resurface?

We all hear about those stories where someone faces a loss, tragedy, or personal struggle, and God turns these stories into those of hope, restoration, and full-purpose-living. In my darkest days, I truly believed that mine was not one of those. I believed I was being punished for decision I had made earlier in my life. I believed that God had taken my babies away from me because I deserved it.

Years ago, shortly after my mother passed away from cancer, I pushed everyone and everything away from me to prove that I was unworthy of love. I was living in the chains of grief. I was hurting. Deeply. Even back then, God restored me, held on to me tightly, and completely and utterly blessed my life in a way that I knew I didn’t deserve. He had blessed me with a wonderful, godly husband, a loving, encouraging new family, and a beautiful, easy pregnancy, labor, and delivery. God had chosen to bless my life, regardless of my actions. That’s His grace, my friends.

So why now was I choosing to believe the lies of the enemy? I knew God’s grace, His goodness, and His love. I could physically see with my own eyes the blessings, the grace, and the abundance God had chosen to bless me with after my mother passed away years ago. Why now was I doubting?

My doubt was centered around my own abilities, not God’s. As the days after my surgery dragged on, I began to realize more and more than I was truly broken. I felt as if I had nothing left to give God. I knew the thin mask of “Christian perfectionism” that I had carefully built over recent years was beginning to crack. I knew that I could not carry this burden of losing my babies, of feeling defective, by myself.

I needed Jesus right where I was. The burden I was carrying was too heavy. I needed Him to meet me in the middle of the darkest, deepest, grossest valley I had ever seen. I began praying and reading His Word. I began asking Him to take my burden and to restore my faith. I searched for Him, surrendering every part of me, even when I had doubts or when surrendering felt difficult. Do you know that God is strong enough to handle your doubts? That’s a part of the burden that I just don’t have to carry anymore. And you don’t have to either.

God revealed Himself to me through an amazing verse. In 2 Corinthians, Paul is writing to the church in Corinth, expressing the greatness and importance of Jesus, and explaining the incredible things revealed to him by Jesus, while placing the greatness and authority on Jesus instead of boasting in himself. Paul writes,

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:7-10

You see my friends, it’s not about our ability to hold it all together, or the ease (or difficulty) with which we experience life. It’s about His strength, His ability, His grace. It is enough. Because of my circumstances, because of my own handicap, I was able to see that God’s grace is enough. My weakness allowed me to see the gift—God’s strength. It’s not about how broken we are but how great, how loving, how forgiving, how gracious He is.

I still go back and read that entry in my prayer journal. The first time I mustered up the courage to read it, I was completely moved and overwhelmed by peace. This is what I wrote, the day before we lost our baby:

“God please cradle my fragile heart and remind me that it’s ok to love and accept the child within me. Remind me of the love that started this family and of the promise, hope, and blessing over my marriage ordained by You. Remind me of who I am in You. Instill in me who You say I am. Let it be a part of the breath I take, every moment. Show me, lead me, teach me how to mother like You. Show me my place and remind me of my purpose.”

All of those things I prayed for that night, have been revealed to me. Even though I can’t hold my babies in my arms, I know that it’s ok for me to accept the children I have in heaven. My family has been loved and restored by God’s love through friends and people who truly care about us. My confidence in my mothering abilities has grown drastically, because I know that God carries me through every moment with my son.

My purpose is wholly tied to why I’m writing this today. God has birthed in me a vision, passion, and love for mentoring women, especially in connection to motherhood. I pray for you ladies. I pray for your hurting to be healed, and for God to reveal His plan, His purpose, and His grace in your life. Know that your circumstances and your pain are not too overwhelming for God! His strength is made perfect in your weakness. Give your pain to Him, and watch how strong your God can be for you!

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Corinne is a stay at home mom. She and her husband have a son with us here on earth, and two babies in heaven. She also has a heart for connecting with women going through the joys and struggles of motherhood.

 

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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