Calli’s Story

The Blessing of Blair

My husband and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary in May of 2014. We were so happy with where God had led us in our journey as husband and wife. We had welcomed into this world three beautiful and healthy children, Gavyn, Grant, and Gwyneth. We had witnessed each other grow in godliness hand in hand. God led us down a path of adding to our family through the adoption of our daughter, Bertie, from Malawi, Africa, whom we met while serving with our church at an orphan care center in Malawi. Even through the grueling adoption process, we were over the moon excited to bring our family to completion with such a special gift as Bertie. God had so much more in store for our family.

August came around and I started to not feel like my usual self. While on a mini vacation, I joked with my husband that we should stop and get a pregnancy test when we returned home. I was sure the test would come up negative because another child by birth was not in our plans. Little did we know that another child by birth was in God’s plans. We were shocked a few days later to find out we were indeed expecting. Oh, the whirlwind of emotions! We would be adopting and expecting at the same time.

There was so much to prepare and plan for. The weeks went on as I fell in love with this life growing inside of me and pushed through the trials of our adoption. October came and we found out we were expecting a little girl; we would name her Blair Reece. I was ecstatic to say the least, and immediately began preparing for another princess in our clan. The holidays were coming up and our family yearned for our daughter on the other side of the world. With my mind and heart focused on enduring through our adoption, I had no reason to believe that anything could be wrong with our precious Blair.

The Friday before Thanksgiving, I celebrated and went to my 20-week appointment. This was the halfway mark to meeting this little life inside of me. I remember those last blissfully ignorant moments while I was sitting in the waiting room, pondering what I should cook for dinner that night. My name was called, and I was welcomed into the exam room for my tummy check.

The doctor arrived and began checking Blair’s heartbeat. Well, that silly doppler just couldn’t pick it up. I giggled and thought she was just being a shy little thing. The doctor was calm as he turned on the ultrasound machine, and I could feel my confidence being overtaken by the fear of the worst. He put the wand to my tummy and did not have to say a word to me. His eyes said it all. Blair was gone.

The sounds coming from that room were like nails on a chalkboard, which I later realized were coming from my own mouth. My doctor was very gentle with me and my nurse called my husband at work and asked for his presence at the appointment. I feel apart in that room until my husband arrived, and then I fell apart all over again when I turned to him and uttered that Blair was with Jesus.

Blair had developed fluid from an unknown cause around her heart that restricted it from beating. Since it was a Friday, I was asked to wait until Monday to be admitted to the hospital for an induction. My husband brought me home; it felt like such an empty place. I still had not brought my Bertie home, and now I would never be bringing my Blair home. That weekend, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute, I never wanted Monday to come when I would have to finally let go of my daughter. The next minute, I couldn’t wait for Monday to leave because my swollen belly was a painful reminder of how my body had failed my baby.

In the dark of Monday morning, my husband and I drove to the hospital. I couldn’t help but think, that I should be planning what side dishes I would be cooking for our Thanksgiving feast instead of planning on what flowers would be at my daughter’s funeral. It just wasn’t fair. We walked into the hospital knowing we would be leaving with empty arms.

The nurses started their routine. Some of them were aware of our condition and some had no clue. I had decided early on in my pregnancy that I was going to go out with a bang and forego an epidural and pain medication with my very last birth. I knew that I still wanted to keep that pact with Blair. I felt that I deserved to feel every second of the pain that was coming to me. I also was looking forward to being able to put a tangible feeling to the agony my heart was experiencing. It just felt right to hurt so much. The medicine I was given made the labor intense. I could feel my body trying so hard to hold on to this little one inside of me, as if it knew it still had 20 more weeks of growing and protecting to do. The pain was so intense as more medicine was given to force my body to release when all it wanted to do was cling.

Surrounded by our family and closest friends, Blair’s little shell came about 6:00 pm that evening. God covered me in His love and provided me with a calmness that allowed me to hold, kiss, and love on my daughter. It was very hard and comforting at the same to see the man who had been my rock finally flood the room with his sorrow the moment he laid eyes on our lifeless daughter.

She was beautiful and looked just like her big sister. Her hands and feet were perfect. I kissed her little lips. She was measured, weighed, and dressed with the gentlest hands. After hours in the room with her and my body responding how the doctor saw fit, it was time for me to hand her over and go home. Just like with my other pregnancies, my husband went to go pull the car around while I was wheeled out of the hospital, except this time my arms and my heart were empty. I had nothing to show except my wounded soul. We buried our daughter the very next day with a small ceremony in our church cemetery. I felt as though my heart was put in the ground that day.

I struggled so much with grief and anger the months following. Then a moment came when I finally knew it was time to allow God to work in me the way He had been trying all along. At the beginning I was sure I would never recover from this struggle, but God has really taught me, “and if not, He is still good.” (Daniel 3:18).

Since Blair has been on the other side of Glory, I have hungered to be close to my Savior like never before. I have searched and found what has been there all along: healing. Sure, the moments still come when my breath leaves me because my arms want to be wrapped around my daughter, but I find comfort in knowing that because He lives, so does Blair, and we will meet in eternity one glorious day!

I will never be the same, nor do I want to be. A piece of my heart is in heaven. As I sit here praising God for all the beauty He has brought to my life through Blair, I have to continue to ask Bertie to keep it down along with Gavyn, Grant, and Gwyneth; yes, our Bertie is finally home. And my belly keeps dancing with new life that we will welcome in November, a little girl named Brynne. Blair and Brynne may possibly share the same birthday. I say this to encourage all of you sweet sisters to not give up hope and claim, “that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6) Allow God to continue His work in you through your precious one(s) that He is now holding. The work will not come painlessly, but it will reap so much beauty from His Spirit that might otherwise wouldn’t have been possible. We can hope because He lives!

It is well”

-Calli Williams
Hope Mom to Blair

Calli Williams is a passionate Christ follower. Calli is married to Jared, and has six children: Gavyn, Grant, Bertie, Gwyneth, Blair, who has been in Glory since November 2014, and Brynne , who joined their family in November 2015. She enjoys spending time with her family, reading when she can steal a quiet moment, using her creativity to craft, and splurging on anything chocolate

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