Becky’s Story

April 17 was a day that I will never forget. A day that will be etched in my heart my entire life. A day of great sorrow and immense pain—yet a day of hope.

My daughter was a healthy thriving baby until April 17 when I knew something was wrong. I had lost another baby early in pregnancy but got pregnant shortly after, leaving little time to grieve, process, and heal. It made this pregnancy much different than our son’s—who is living on earth. I was more cautious, hesitant, and fearful.

That day she wasn’t moving as much so we went in to get checked. From then, it was a blur of a day—but one that I can also seem to replay in my head moment by moment even after a year.

Before the nurse even said, “we’re going to have a baby today,” I knew what was coming: a C-section.

I was devastated, fearful, excited, and praying. It was my second C-section and not the VBAC I had hoped for, but it was okay because my daughter still had a strong heartbeat. Everyone said it was going to be okay, and in my heart I knew it would be.

I can still recall her cry. She was here; my beautiful Adaline Rose was born and I was able to breath, if only just for a second. Then the sound of the nurses performing CPR, calling for epinephrine, and the chaos came. I wanted to stay to be with her but my heart couldn’t take it. I needed the quiet, the peace, and the ability to have hope in such a desperate situation. So, in our room we prayed. We talked about seeing her. We told our family her name and we hoped.

Then the doctor came in and I felt the weight of the entire room fall on my chest even before he spoke, “I’m so sorry, we did everything we could but she didn’t make it.”

My daughter had passed from this world into heaven and all I could think was, I want her back!

The first few weeks were a blur of tears, pain, and sadness. I was healing from a C-section without the benefits of holding my child. My arms ached, and my soul longed for comfort, peace, and joy in such a dark place. I was not able to play with my three-year-old son, and my pain only multiplied because I took on the pain of him not having his sister, not having a close sibling, and losing a piece of his mom that day.

But it wasn’t over; Satan did not win!

Even in the days that seemed hopeless and the times I felt defeated, there was hope and joy. My eyes started to turn to the One that I knew was the only One who could speak truth directly into my heart. I knew that I did not want to stay in this place of darkness. I had to see light. I had to get my purpose as a mother, wife, and Christ follower back. I needed to fill my head with the truth of the Lord and not let the enemy keep me in a place of sorrow. I couldn’t let the lies of the enemy destroy me. I was weak. I was broken, but I was determined. I needed to remind myself of God’s perfect character and fill my soul with His promises.

So, I poured into God’s Word. There were days I couldn’t pray. I didn’t know what to say but, “Jesus,” and in the quiet of my healing I could feel Him urge, Come to Me.

I started to remind myself of who God was, who I was in Christ, and what God has promised us in this life. Our pain can be so distracting from the truth.

In my quiet times, I poured my thoughts, my anger, my doubts, and my heart out to God. He was the only one I felt like I could be raw with. With time, my heart started to feel again, and healing started. I had to continue to move forward through my disappointment, pain, and grief in order to feel God’s presence. I couldn’t rush the grief even if I wanted to.

A year later, I still know that April 17 is a day that I will forever remember with such pain and sorrow, but it is also a day that I can say has turned my life around forever. I am forever grateful God carried me through, and He continues to do so in a way that still astonishes me. He gives peace, joy, and life even in the continued pains this earthly life can bring.

I realized that I needed to lift my eyes to heaven and focus on eternity, instead on things of this world. When I learned to do that, I started to see through new eyes. I was able to relate to Christ’s suffering and His crying out to God in anguish—if only on a very small scale—and at the same time feel more gratitude than ever for the amount of suffering and pain He endured for us. I see through renewed eyes and am forever thankful that no matter what this world or my circumstances may be, my God is always the same today, tomorrow, and forever.

I remember someone once saying, “It’s when we put the cross in front us and reach for the hand of our Savior that we are able to let what He’s done for us outshine and overcome anything this life gives us.”

I made a decision to trust God even when it hurt, even when I didn’t understand, and even when it was hard. Still to this day, I oftentimes walk in blind faith through life’s trials. I know God’s not done with me yet, and I know that there is beauty that will come from my daughter’s short life on earth.

I remember praying, “God, please, if only her short life could touch one person and bring someone to You; if she could just change one person’s heart, please let that happen.”

What I didn’t know is that God would answer my prayer, but through my husband’s heart and mine. He has brought us closer to Him and continues to change our hearts in so many ways.

Satan did not win April 17! A piece of my heart may have been broken that day, but Christ has filled it will His eternal peace, grace, and joy. I only have to wait a short time here on earth to be complete with my daughter and in His presence. She is experiencing the greatest joy in His presence that we can only imagine.

“You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Psalm 16:11

In all our suffering, we only have to remember that Jesus has already won the battle we just have to trust in the journey!

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for is an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My name is Becky, and I have one beautiful, three year old boy, two hope babies waiting for me in heaven, and a wonderful husband who has been by my side for almost 15 years. I enjoy being with family, being outdoors, serving, and being active. I love to grow and learn, and I trust God is pushing me to where i need to be even if it hurts at times.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.