Asheley’s Story
My husband and I have a daughter, Harper who is 2 years old. I had been diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis before my daughter was born. She was actually our miracle baby. We worked for months before she was born on determining a diagnosis. I remember being devastated at the doctor’s office finding out we would need help to conceive our first child. To our great surprise, we were actually pregnant during the consultation with our doctor.
When Harper was 16 months old, we decided we wanted to expand our family. We consulted with our doctor who helped us find the right path to start the process. I vividly remember a few months later the exact morning I knew I was pregnant. It was a normal day; I went to the gym before anyone got up and after my workout I immediately got sick. I hadn’t felt that feeling, the one you get when you’re pregnant, in a long time. I went home, and took a test to show my husband the news my heart already knew. Our joy of another baby was finally here.
Easter was the following week, so we decided to wait to tell our parents in a cute picture of our daughter. I had made a sign for her to hold up and we’d give that picture to our parents. Four days later, the day we were going to take her picture, I started miscarrying. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe it was simply implantation and nothing to be worried about. That was a Saturday, March 19, 2016. As the day went on I started to realize my biggest fears were coming true. I prayed with every ounce of my heart for the following two days.
I vividly remember talking to the nurse at 8am that Monday morning, who informed me to come in to do blood work, but that she was certain I was having a miscarriage. She had no sympathy, but simply informed me it happens all the time. I got off the phone and contemplated how I would inform my husband. How do you tell someone you just lost your baby? How do you tell your spouse on the phone your dreams are being crushed? I simply wept, I couldn’t keep myself together.
I remember walking into the lab room, tears running down my face as I got blood work done and went home to make sense of life. I informed our families by text; the news we were hoping to tell them on Easter had vanished. Not only was it a week before Easter, but it was also one of the busiest season for me as an Event Planner at our church. For the next week I kept myself busy, worked constantly and my heart went stone cold. I went through the motions and prayed for God’s presence to get through the events we had planned.
After Easter was over I fell apart. I didn’t have anything to keep me busy or keep my mind off our circumstances. I had to turn to God—nothing else would do. For the next 7 months we tried medication, infertility medication, and endless ultrasounds and blood draws. Every day, week, month that went by our friends around us have conceived; they have delivered their babies and we are left with no answers.
Every month that goes by our prayers change. We have prayed for God to help us conceive another child. We have prayed for God to open our eyes to what He wanted us to see through this time. We have prayed that God would use us to help others, or to help our faith grow stronger as we moved through this. As a staff person at a church you feel like you have to “have it all together.” You have to have the faith to get you through the hard times—your eyes are set on God and that should be enough to push you through the hard times.
What happens when God doesn’t answer your prayers? What happens when God seems silent in the deepest of valleys, when each month your dreams are crushed once again? We have found we pick ourselves up, we acknowledge we are sinners and God hears our questions and our frustrations. He weeps with us and protects us.
God is working in our lives and our story in a far greater way than we can ever imagine. This past November, we would have delivered our baby. We would have had another little one at the Thanksgiving table. We have friends who will deliver their babies this month, friends who are so close to us it hurts. For them we are joy-filled, but for us, we turn to God for peace. Because nothing less will do. We haven’t found peace in our jobs, the gym, or the holiday dinner tables. We will, however, find peace and joy in God and the gifts around us He has provided. As we enter into the New Year, we thank God for our daughter, Harper. We have faith God will show us His plan for our future. For now, we wait, we pray and we hold fast to the hope that God will forever be present in our current situation and our lives.
When I met my husband he sent me a Bible verse that has been a stronghold verse for me:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9
We will be strong and courageous and thank God daily for the blessings in our lives.
– Asheley
Hope Mom to One Precious Baby in Heaven
I am a wife of Matthew, of 5 years. An Events Coordinator for a church in my hometown and a believer in the One True God who has come to set us free of our sorrows.
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