God is So Good

The morning was just like any other morning. I woke up. Had coffee with my husband. Did a little reading. Then headed to the bathroom after all that coffee. That’s when it happened. The dreaded monthly reminder that I was not pregnant. Again.

I know there are women that try for years and cannot get pregnant, however, I had been unable to relate to that sort of thing until then. I had three beautiful children. Every single one of them was conceived within one or two months of trying. I hadn’t given it much thought that there was a possibility that I COULDN’T get pregnant. So when my husband and I decided we wanted to have another child… I was completely unaware of the journey I was about to embark.

I remember talking with friends about our decision…learning that I had a few pals that were trying too..We were filled with excitement that we would be pregnant and have little babies that would grow up together. When I would see a Pampers commercial.. I’d get teary eyed thinking about my sweet little baby… we had names already picked out..and I bought 3 pregnancy tests…

Finally- that exciting day arrived!

Took a test a few days early. Negative.
Took a test the day before. Negative.
Took a test on the day I was supposed to start… and a few minutes after I got another NEGATIVE.

I finally understood that all these negatives were in fact telling the truth. Friends would ask me the outcome- and after I replied they would all say.. “Don’t worry. It takes a few months!” I would be heavy hearted for a few days.. then get ramped up for the next month..only to be let down. Again…and again..and so on.

Until June 2014. It was Father’s Day. The day we saw a little pink line. The verse below was finally our reality.

God is so good.

“For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted what I have asked of Him.”
-1 Samuel 1:27

One morning about 9 weeks in, I woke up and and saw something I was not prepared for. A spot of blood. I made the call and headed to the doctors office. As I sat and watched big bellied soon-to-be moms walk-in, the anticipation of the next few moments grew. Moments later I was on the table with anxiety so great I could barely stay put. Then the nurse said…

“Everything looks good for 5 weeks and 1 day… its a little early to see the heartbeat.”

My heart stopped.

5 weeks? I calculated… and recalculated. This is not possible. I should be nearly 9. I am spotting. I am only showing to be 5 weeks. Something is not right. No.. no..no..no..no…no…no. I had to go back in the lobby and wait. Again. I sat down. All alone. Surrounded by expectant mothers and babies galore. Everyone around me was happy and smiling… while I was dying inside.

I held it together for a bit, but then.. Tears began to roll down my face uncontrollably. I started to sob and hid my face in the chair. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed that others would see me. Exposed for what was going on. Exposed for who I really was. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. The pain of that moment brings water to my eyes as I type this.

But still…. God is good.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
-Psalm 34:18

They called me back and the doctor explained I needed to wait a full week to check for growth. What? Wait?!!? I need to know RIGHT NOW. There was nothing they could do. Only time would tell. I would have to go on with life as normal.

One foot in front of the other. Step after step. God is still good.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”
-2 Corinthians 5:7

I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning, I awoke to the stinging pain of the past day that penetrated my heart like an arrow. I was  reminded that this is out of my control. I must wait. It is, however, in the control of My God. Everything I am facing was passed by Him before it came to me. He goes before me. He follows me. He sees me. He hears me. He understand my pain. In that moment I knew what I must do.

PRAY.

I immediately shot out of bed and hit my knees on the floor. I began to pray like never before. Fervently.. like Hannah in the book of Samuel I suppose. I was sobbing, face to the ground, crying out to my Father. The ONLY ONE who could change the outcome of this situation. I cried out over and over…” Lord please SAVE this baby!”

“When he saw the strong wind and waves, he was terrified and began to sink. He cried out, “Lord! Save me!” Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him.”
-Matthew 14:30-31

In that moment it was like time stood still. My eyes were so puffy I could barely see… but I cleaned myself up..and again, put one foot in front of the other. More waiting…. and even still.. God is good.

The day had arrived. We would know one way or the other. No more waiting. I wasn’t spotting anymore so I was still a bit hopeful. There it was. The sac was still there. But there was nothing in it. This was the moment I knew we had lost our little baby. My God did reply, but His response was not what my heart requested.

Still.. HE is good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him.”
-Romans 8:28

Even in the questioning, in the petitioning, in the waiting, in the lamenting.  Even when my desires do not line up with His plan, His eyes see what mine cannot. I know deep down, His unseen hand is working out something better for my good and for His glory. Following Christ doesn’t guarantee a life of happiness and “yes” all the time.. but it does give you lasting hope & joy amidst the struggles that are sure to find you.

And maybe.. just maybe.. someone reading this…needs  to be reminded of this hope & this truth as do I: Even if we never get pregnant. Even if we lose it all. Even if this world fails us.

HE WILL NOT FAIL. HE IS FAITHFUL. HE IS GOOD.

” Let go… my soul.. and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name..”

Let go..trust Him. Tis so sweet..to trust Him.

Amen.

A year after this loss and being told that fertility treatments would be the only option for pregnancy, we naturally got PREGNANT with a little GIRL arriving January 2016. My faithful God was indeed working out a perfect plan. I pray that this truth would imprint our hearts…

HE IS GOOD.”

-Amanda L
Hope Mom to Baby Lawrence

Amanda Lawrence is a follower of Christ, a wife, and a mommy to 3 with a new edition to arrive in January 2016.
She is a worship leader, as well as a ministry leader for the Parks Church Student ministry in Mckinney, TX.
Her interests include spending time with family & community, refinishing furniture, & blogging.

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