Abigail’s Story

“Unfortunately, this baby has some things wrong with her.”

Those words will forever echo in my memory.

My husband and I were at the hospital for a routine 20-week ultrasound for our second daughter. She had a strong heartbeat and was very active, but the exam took longer than it should have, and anxiety started to creep in. When the doctor told us that all was not well with our baby, the bottom fell out of my heart.

The doctor went on to explain that our baby had multiple serious physical defects, and more testing was needed to determine the exact nature of her condition.

After answering our questions and going over a number of different possibilities, we agreed to genetic testing, and the doctor left to get some paperwork started.

I leaned my head on my husband’s shoulder and wept. We were stunned with disbelief. After struggling with infertility before our first daughter was conceived, we were so blessed to be pregnant again. How could this be happening when this baby was an answer to many prayers?

My mind went back to the unexpected package I had received that morning. It was a belated birthday gift from my brother and sister-in-law—a small wall hanging with two words beautifully illustrated in lowercase script: “be still.”  Included in the box was a postcard on which was written, “She holds on to hope for God is forever faithful.”    

“Be still. Hold on to hope. I am faithful.” I knew then that God was speaking to me, preparing my heart, and comforting my soul.

I would cling tightly to those words from my Savior in the coming months, because when the blood work results came back a week later, the diagnosis confirmed our worst fears: Trisomy-18, a rare and fatal genetic disorder of the 18^th chromosome. The prognosis was very grim: she would likely die in my womb; or I would go into pre-term labor, and she would die during labor; or if she was born alive she would only live a few minutes. The reality was heartbreaking: if God did not heal our baby, we would not be bringing her home. 

We chose the name Sarabeth Marie for our little girl. A couple days after choosing her name it dawned on me that Sarah, Elizabeth, and Mary are three women in the Bible in whom God did the miraculous regarding their babies. The name seemed fitting for our baby since we were asking God to do a healing miracle for her.

As the days, weeks, and months passed my husband and I searched the Scriptures for anything that would give us hope and peace and comfort. We prayed together often late at night for the health and healing of our little girl. We read Scripture over her. We spoke words of healing, health, and life over our sweet Sarabeth. We were surrounded by a strong faith community of family and friends who joined us in praying fervent, big, and bold prayers for the impossible. We found comfort and hope in the story of Jairus in Mark 5:

“And behold, one of the rulers of the synagogue came, Jairus by name. And when he saw Him, he fell at His feet and begged Him earnestly, saying, “My little daughter lies at the point of death. Come and lay Your hands on her, that she may be healed, and she will live.”

Before Jesus was able to get to Jairus’ house to heal his daughter, word came that she had already died and it was pointless to bother the Teacher anymore.  But Jesus said to Jairus,

“Do not be afraid; only believe.”

Jesus spoke these words to my heart also. Jesus raised Jairus’s daughter from the dead and we prayed that He would do the same for our little daughter. But no matter what, whether she lived or if she died, Jesus’ words were still true. I did not need to be afraid because He was with me. In faith I clung to His presence.

In the midst of all the fear and heartbreak, I found within my soul a deep peace. God spoke the words “be still” to my heart the morning of our world-altering ultrasound, and He continued to speak those words over the wind and waves of fear, doubt, and heartbreak. I had a strong conviction that Sarabeth would not die inside me, that I would carry her to term, and that we would have a live birth. We had strong faith and hope that God would completely heal her, despite ultrasounds that continued to show the exact same conditions of deformity in her tiny body.

When my induction date came, five days after my due date, we discovered Sarabeth was breech and had to be delivered by c-section. As my doctor delivered her I heard a sweet little cry, and though I knew she was breathing, my heart sank at the dismayed look on my husband’s face—she was not healed as we had so fervently prayed.

We had seven incredibly sweet days with our tiny Sarabeth. She was breathing on her own with minimal assistance so we were able to keep her with us in my hospital room. She had the deepest blue eyes that looked just like blueberries so we called them blueberry eyes. She loved snuggling with me, and at night I soaked her in as I cuddled my sweet girl close. We cried over her, we prayed over her, and after five days in the hospital, we got to bring her home! This was such a joy to my heart because in faith I had prepared her bassinet with the hope that I would put my baby in it. And I did. For one night, she slept in her bassinet beside our bed.

Twenty-four hours after we brought her home she had a significant apnea episode. We called EMS and decided to transport her to the local children’s hospital for assessment. I clearly remember holding my sweet, calm baby in my arms as we talked with the medics. I looked down into those deep, soulful, blueberry eyes, and as she looked back at me, I soaked her in.  My husband rode in the ambulance and I followed. By the time I arrived she was already hooked up to so many medical devices.  She continued to have apnea episodes, and was placed on a ventilator.

The next afternoon we made the heartbreaking decision to remove life support. It was clear that her little body was no longer able to keep going. She was tenderly placed in our arms and in the quiet of that private hospital room, we wept as her breathing tube was removed. We cradled her between us and told her over and over how much we loved her and how she was going to be with Jesus. And then our girl, our sweet, precious Sarabeth, slipped peacefully from our arms into the waiting arms of Jesus.

Our prayers for healing were fully and finally answered.

In the months that have followed Sarabeth’s home-going, I have seen the depth of the love and faithfulness of God in the lowest pit of grief and heartbreak in ways I could not have imagined. Instead of being angry or feeling let down by God, I have experienced His nearness in a deeper way.

Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” God sees. He cares. He is near. We may experience the darkest night, and the deepest pit, but He never leaves us alone or without a promise. God healed my little girl’s heart by taking her close to His, and He does the same for me. Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). His heart of compassion meets the brokenness of my heart, and binds me to Him in love. Holding Sarabeth, and giving her back to Jesus, was the most heart-wrenching experience of my life. But through it all, there is faith, hope, and peace. We know where she is—safe in the arms of Jesus. And we know we will hold her again one day.

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Abigail is mama to her toddler daughter and to Sarabeth who went to be with Jesus seven days after her birth in January 2018.  She and her husband Chad live in Berea, KY on the family farm where they raise cattle.  In addition to being a stay-at-home-mom and teaching piano part-time, Abigail blogs on Facebook and Instagram at A Healing Gratitude where her desire is to share Sarabeth’s story in a way that highlights the goodness and love of God and how gratitude can lead to greater healing.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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