Serve One Another: His Story

Serving One Another

I am going to start off by saying that I did lots of things wrong… just ask my wife. It is only by God’s grace that Ashlee and I have been able to serve one another in the midst of loss because we are two sinful people. But God still worked through me as I tried to serve my wife despite all my faults and failures. If this whole “serving one another in grief” thing seems overwhelming, well that’s because it is. But here is the thing: we have God multiplying our work. As you move ahead one step at a time in obedience watch what God will do. Don’t let your past failures and selfishness in your marriage keep you from continuing to move forward in the right direction. God wants to work in and through you in your grief. 

Our Story

We experienced loss twice, back to back. When we were pregnant with our fourth child, Ashlee had gone in for a check up and ultrasound at 14 weeks. I had stayed at home with our two younger boys who were two and a half and one year old at the time. I remember getting the call from Ashlee to tell me we had lost our baby. I was not ready for that at all. I sat on our swing outside with my sons, as Ashlee told me what she had just found out. I felt helpless and had no idea how to comfort my wife, explain death to my sons, and deal with my own emotions. 

Our second loss happened the following winter. We were getting ready to take a group of High School students to a winter retreat (I was a youth pastor at that time). Ashlee had a quick doctors appointment that morning. Once again, I stayed home with the kids while she went in. And once again, I remember getting the phone call to tell me that we had lost our second baby. I was a wreck. When Ashlee got home we just sat on the couch and cried. I had no idea how to best serve my wife—I felt utterly helpless.

Both of these times I felt totally inadequate in my ability to figure out my own emotions and how I was going to deal with them. In addition to navigating my own grief, I was trying to figure out how to best comfort and serve my wife during this devastating time in our lives. I don’t think I have ever felt more helpless. But I also know I had to do something. Through much prayer and asking God for wisdom, I began to try to serve Ashlee through our grief.   

Listen and Learn

As a man I process things very differently than my wife. My first response was to get through a few days of mourning and then move on—get back to where we were before our loss. It was hard and uncomfortable to continue to allow myself to feel the pain of these losses. I wanted to move Ashlee off of the pain of the loss and help get her back to a “good state.” But as I was asking God for wisdom and really trying to serve my wife I realized this was not what was best for her. She needed to continue to mourn the loss of our babies; there was no quick fix. She needed me to stop trying to fix her feelings and just listen to her. But she also needed me to learn how to keep mourning with her. 

Although it seemed easier to move on, shut down the pain, and go on with life, God granted me a better perspective. So instead, in the early days of our grief, I didn’t try to move Ashlee to what I though was a better place, but instead I listened as she shared her heart with me, and learned (in a small way) to feel what she was feeling. This took a lot of time and a lot of work. But it also brought us closer together and helped me deal with my own emotions in a better way.    

Remember and Celebrate

As time moved on and some healing started to take place, I had to learn lesson one all over again. When we started to get to a better place, I first thought that our losses would become a distant memory and we would move on. Yet again, by God’s grace, He changed my understanding. Ashlee didn’t need to “move on” (and neither did I), but instead, we needed to remember and celebrate the life God had given us. Though short, the lives of our babies still mattered. Ashlee wanted our babies remembered and I needed to remember them because they really where valuable lives that God had given us. 

So, we gave them names. I built woodworking projects that serve as remembrances of them. I talk about them with my wife and our other kids. Simeon and Odelle’s lives have become normal conversation in our house. We celebrate their heaven days each year, and you will find little things around our house that point to their lives. Honestly, this is not what I would have chosen to do if it had all been up to me. But I cannot tell you how thankful I am that it turned out this way. Our family is far better for it. When I chose to serve my wife and seek God’s wisdom, I experienced much blessing.    

The Long Haul — Serving others

Over time, I quit trying to move away from our loss, and instead used our loss to minister to others. Yes, I learned that I can serve my wife by using our story to serve others. When I talk about the pain that I still feel for the loss of our babies, I sometimes feel weak and “unmanly.” But talking about them and using our story to minister to others gives value and meaning to our loss. 

I have had the opportunity to share our story and testimony of God’s faithfulness in grief throughout different sermons that I have preached. Our losses have opened up doors for me to connect with others who have experienced loss. Ashlee has been able to minister to many other women by serving with Hope Mommies, and I can serve my wife by freeing up time for her to do that—cleaning up around the house and taking care of our kids to give her space to write blog posts and Bible studies for Hope Mommies. 

We have both had to sacrifice. Serving each other has not always been easy, and we have not always done it well, but every effort we have made to this end has always been worth while. As we come together, serving one another in our grief, we have been given many opportunities to share our babies’ stories, comfort others who have experienced loss, and point those around us to the hope we have in Christ. And that is a great honor. 

Jesse Schmidt is the Lead Pastor of Vertical Church Milwaukee. Jesse and his wife, Ashlee, have five children on earth: Jayden, Micah, Elian, Isaiah, and Judah, and two little ones in Heaven: Simeon and Odelle.

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