Sarabeth, Forever Held

When I was 15, our family lost our youngest son and brother when he was stillborn due to anencephaly. Though not my own child, I loved him from the time I knew my mother was pregnant, and his passing impacted me deeply. I have thought about him often over the past 24 years, always wondering what life would be like with another brother, and always trying to remember him on his birthday. 

Keeping that sweet baby boy in my memory has been one of the strongest reasons I want my own girls to grow up with a knowledge of their sister. Sarabeth was and is a gift, a precious blessing to our family from God, and we always want her life to be celebrated in our family.  We want our girls to grow up with a love for their sister who is very much alive with Jesus.

Sarabeth is our Hope Baby. Keeping her alive in our memories and bringing her to life in the lives of her sisters reminds us of the hope we have in Christ—that she is alive with Him, held safe in His arms, and that one day we will be reunited! We grieve our loss, the hole in our family where she should be, and the missed moments of life with her, but we do not grieve without hope. And that is what our traditions and remembrances of her revolve around—pointing our other girls to Christ and the hope we have in Him.

One of the first things we did after Sarabeth passed was to purchase and set up a bookcase in one corner of our living room on which we display picture albums and various other items that help us remember her. On the book case is a print out of her heart beat, an ornament with her footprint, dried roses from her memorial service, photo albums from the short week she was alive with us, and various other small mementos.

One thing that is especially meaningful to us is the framed picture of a young, dark haired girl in overalls, pig tails, and bare feet, smiling with deep joy at a butterfly. When I was pregnant with Sarabeth, my husband found this picture and was compelled to purchase it. Sarabeth was born with dark hair, and this picture makes us think of the young girl she might have been and the living girl that she is right now in heaven—perhaps running around full of joy and chasing heavenly butterflies. Of course, we don’t know what heaven is like for babies or if they grow up there as they would here, but it is a picture full of hope for us.

On the back of our couch is a beautiful, hand-made quilt from a dear friend, stitched together using Sarabeth’s baby blanket and few of her tiny newborn outfits. Sarabeth was born with deep blue eyes, which we called “blueberry eyes,” and my friend purposely used a lot of deep blue materials in this quilt to help us always remember those soulful, beautiful eyes. At first, I was tempted to pack away such a beautiful quilt so it would never get dirty or worn, but that would be hiding way a precious way to remember our girl, and so we leave it out. I envision it being a quilt that each member of the family will use when napping on the couch or curling up to watch a movie—a sweet way to curl up with the memory of our girl and keep her close.

Each night at bed, we sing to our toddler as part of her bedtime routine. One very familiar song we sing is “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” My husband penned verses for each of our girls with their names about how Jesus loves each of them individually. Sandwiched between the verse for our first born and the verse for our baby still in my womb is the verse about Sarabeth,

Jesus loves baby Sarabeth,
Baby Sarabeth Jesus loves.
She is home where she belongs,
She is safe in Jesus’ arms.
Jesus loves baby Sarabeth very much.

I can’t tell you how precious it is for me to hear my two year old daughter singing sweetly about the love Jesus has for her baby sister every night. She knows that Sarabeth had a very bad boo-boo, and that she went to go live with Jesus. She knows that Jesus kissed that boo-boo and made it all better, and that He loves Sarabeth very much. Hearing her child-like faith as she recounts all this to me is balm to my heart.

We celebrated Sarabeth’s first birthday and home-going day this past January. We bought fancy cupcakes, put a candle on one, and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to her. We celebrated with our family over dinner. A week later, on her home-going day, we took our toddler to pick out some flowers for Sarabeth’s grave. I’m not sure if doing things for only one year qualifies as a tradition, but the celebration of these two days is something we want to make a priority in our family life. We want our girls to look forward to celebrating Sarabeth’s birthday with fancy cupcakes and a candle just as they look forward to celebrating their own birthdays. 

For me personally, it has been very meaningful to have some select pieces of jewelry to wear that remind me of Sarabeth. Before she passed, we were able to get some tiny toe prints from her, and these were made into a few necklaces. Both my mom and mother-in-law have one, I have one of my own, and I have two that one day I will give to Sarabeth’s sisters. For my birthday, my husband gifted me with a ring and necklace that each hold her birthstone. I have a dainty bracelet that is engraved with her name that was a gift from a dear friend.  Each of these, and few other pieces, are sweet ways that I can remember her and honor her life. I think of her every time I see her birthstone on my finger or feel the heart with her toe print around my neck.

I think the most personal way that I keep Sarabeth close is through a soft, pink stuffed rabbit that my cousin sent to me before Sarabeth was born. After she passed, my arms felt so empty without my baby in them. This rabbit is the exact size that Sarabeth was, and is soft and flexible the way her tiny body was. Holding this stuffed toy makes my arms feel a little less empty, and I sleep with her every night.

Most of all, remembering our Hope Baby means remembering the goodness and faithfulness of God to be near to us and carry us through the most heartbreaking days and years of our lives. Grief is ongoing, but these positive ways to remember our baby and give testimony to our God help ease the pain. And hopefully, they will keep her memory alive for her sisters, who we pray will always love her as we do. 

Abigail is mama to her toddler daughter and to Sarabeth who went to be with Jesus seven days after her birth in January 2018. She and her husband, Chad, live in Berea, KY on the family farm where they raise cattle. In addition to being a stay-at-home-mom and teaching piano part-time, Abigail blogs on Facebook and Instagram at A Healing Gratitude where her desire is to share Sarabeth’s story in a way that highlights the goodness and love of God and demonstrate how gratitude can lead to greater healing.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.