Retreat Testimony {Kellye’s Experience)

“I learned a lot from all of you this past weekend; even those who I wasn’t able to sit & talk with, I learned from you as I watched you sway back & forth, hands raised & shaking, as you worshipped Jesus. Those I didn’t get to talk to, I learned from you as I watched you wrap your arms around your sister grieving; & those of you who laughed loudly during meal times- I saw you, & you taught me so much.

Through your actions you taught me that whatever storm comes my way, I should still show up to worship with others, give & receive hugs, & have joy. And, for those of you who were never able to stand during worship, as the pain of loss is still paralyzing, you taught me to be present during worship even if it means sitting, sobbing, & unable to utter a word. You were there, & that speaks volumes.

So, I have been inspired to worship…to worship wherever I am, whatever state my heart is in, & to surround myself with fellow believers who can sing around me the words I may not be able to say aloud.

I feel incredibly privileged to have sat with you as you shared the details of your baby’s sweet & lifeless body. As your voice quivered, tears rolled down your rosy cheeks, & your hands shook I learned the beauty of saying aloud what pains you.

Because we are all humans here on this broken planet, we have ALL experienced pain. We live in a culture of keeping silent in our pain as to not make others uncomfortable. BUT! In sharing pain, sharing the REAL parts of this life, we get to share the redemption story of our Jesus; because, the empty tomb changes everything! The ugly in this world that may seem SO final is not!

Death is not the end of your baby’s story, it is profoundly the beginning. This world is NOT home. Jesus has defeated death. So, as our pains come & go; they shape us, devastate us, redefine us, confront us, madden us, inspire us… BUT, may they NEVER silence us! Share. Talk. Speak your baby’s name. In the name of Jesus, make people uncomfortable!

Truly, dear sister, sharing your baby with others is sharing Jesus, too. Aside from that marvelous truth, share your baby because he/she is YOUR BABY! Us mamas LOVE to share about our little loves because they have redefined us in the best way possible, because they are our unique taste of heaven on earth, & simply because we love them. We share about our babies because we adore their every detail. So, share, sweet mama…shamelessly share!

You, beautiful Mama, gave such a profound visual as to what the verse “…weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” [Psalm 30:5]. One may think a room filled with over fifty women who have all been dealt the unimaginable would be a room flooded with tears, groaning, & bouts of fury.

Rightfully, there was some of that. But, I also watched you laugh, linger in peaceful conversation with women who were, just hours before, strangers. I watched you smile, even through tears, as you recounted some of your favorite & most cherished memories with your precious baby. You taught me that one can choose joy in the midst of heartache, as you cling tightly to the Truth that we absolutely were not made for this world; and, in fact, the World we are made for is the one your baby is perfectly residing in, with some of the greats- Mother Teresa, Abraham, Paul, & Esther. Wow. Let that sink in. Your baby that you grew embracing Noah, laughing with Mary, & dancing with Martin Luther King Jr. Let. That. Sink. In.

When Colleen shared the story of her beautiful boy, Evan “Rush” Southard, she said a phrase that summarizes all this perfectly: “We are in a battle in this world; choose joy as your weapon. Joy is more than a feeling, it’s an action.”

Courageous Hope Mom, I watched you hold tightly to the beauty of your baby (may you always) & in the same clench, saw your let go of hurts, pains, & burdens not made for you to carry [alone].

“…for my yoke is easy & my burden is light.” Matthew 11:30
“I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
‘God is our refuge & our strength, an ever-present help in our troubles.” Psalm 46:1

I watched you be so strong & courageous, despite what you have trudged through/still trudge through. What a privilege to witness. The moment you waltzed into the retreat center, you glowed with courage whether you realized it or not. It took real guts to show up. You did. And, it rocked my world.

I have a lot of Mom friends in this world. Moms who are really good at disciplining with strong Biblical principles. Moms who balance a full-time job, marriage, & parenthood so well. Moms who have organized laundry rooms. Moms who always look put together & lovely. Moms who are single moms. Moms who are never late. And, they inspire me to grow as a Mom, they do.

But, you…. You, beautiful warrior of a Mother, you take the torch. You inspire me to mother with all of my heart—because, I get to. Not because some book says or the latest trend is this or because it looks the best. You inspire me by the profound & radical concept that I get to do this beautiful role with my children here on this earth, & that is such a precious gift denied to many. And, I apologize on behalf of all the [ignorant] Moms out there who complain about the things that you ache for in your heart, so much so that it is paralyzing at times. You have reminded me what it is to count my blessings & hold fast to the things that really do matter in this world.

You are such an incredible Mother to your children. They are so blessed to have a Mama who loves them so fiercely. I could keep going. I could keep sharing how much you touched my heart, rocked my world, challenged my mothering, inspired my soul, revealed Jesus to me, rekindled the love I have for worship & prayer.

God in you is mighty. He is present. He is moving & at work. You truly reflect Him tenderly & fiercely. His fingerprints cover you, beautiful Mom. I love you & cherish your babies. Thank you for sharing them with me to the depths that you did.

Thank you for showing up.”

-Kellye Tilford

Have you attended a Hope Mommies Weekend Retreat in the past?  We’d love to hear about your experience! If you are interested in contributing to our blog in this way please submit your retreat story to editor@hopemommies.org