Ravyn’s Story
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. So, when I found out I was pregnant for the first time in November 2017, I was so happy. My husband was at work when I found out, and I couldn’t even wait until he got home to tell him. We announced I was pregnant to our church and to our families. Everyone was so excited and praised God for this sweet baby.
Then, on the morning of December 4, 2017, I woke up bleeding. After spending all day in the emergency room, my husband took me home that night, and I miscarried our first child early the next morning. We named him Noah. And while we both grieved, and continue to grieve, I took it the hardest, at least outwardly. I was angry with God and struggled to trust Him. I was also terrified to try for another baby, so it came as a complete shock when I found out I was pregnant on New Year’s Day.
This pregnancy did not start easily. I bled the entire first trimester and had to take progesterone in an effort to help my body. I struggled with so much fear and would weep every time I saw more blood. Once we got to the second trimester, things mellowed out until week 20 when I found out I had placenta previa. We knew our baby was a girl by this point, and we knew we were going to name her Isabelle, which means “Devoted to God.”
I would continually pray for my daughter’s safety, and I would also pray that she would know God more than anything. I remember listening to John Piper talk about children, and he told a young mother that, ultimately, “she should want her child to know God more than she wants her child to live.” I remember praying this for Isabelle, but not really ever thinking anything would happen to her—even as we struggled through my pregnancy.
By week 28, my placenta previa had resolved, and I spent the remainder of the third trimester anxiously waiting to hold my baby girl. I went into labor around midnight on September 9, 2018. My contractions were all over the place, but at 10am they started coming three minutes apart consistently. After a particularly painful contraction, I went to use the restroom and noticed a golf-ball sized blood clot. After a few more minutes, I started bleeding heavily, and we raced off to the hospital.
From there, I was rushed into triage and eventually sent in for an emergency C-section. I woke up to hear the doctor tell me that I had a placental abruption and my daughter was very sick. She was born without a pulse, and it took the medical team twenty-two minutes to revive her. Because the doctor told me Isabelle was sick, I just did not grasp the gravity of the situation. They were transferring her to a better NICU, and they were taking me to that hospital as well, so I met Isabelle outside the womb for the first time right before we left in separate ambulances. It was then that I finally learned how bad things were. As the EMT put her on my chest, she told me they were letting me hold her in case she didn’t survive the ride. I have never felt so helpless.
She survived the night, but we received a call early the next morning telling us she had taken a turn for the worse and that we should come down to the NICU to say goodbye. We spent the day with our baby girl along with my parents and sister. It was a day filled with love, weeping, laughter, fear, and so much more. Her health declined as the day went on, and she died at 6:58 that night.
She died the week before Hurricane Florence tore through North Carolina (where we live). Because of the hurricane, we had to put all plans for her funeral on pause. It seemed like life just stopped. And I struggled. I didn’t doubt God’s sovereignty in the situation. I didn’t even doubt His goodness. But I did doubt His love for me. I wondered what I had done that would make God take my child from me.
This is not a correct view of God, but I do want to be honest because I did struggle. I prayed that God would remind me of His love for me, that He would increase my faith, and that He would help me rest in Him and His promises. Anthony, my husband, reminded me that even though this didn’t feel light or momentary, in light of eternity it is. He also told me I am not supposed to get over the deaths of our children. It is okay that I will be sad in some ways for the rest of my life.
Faith is not faith because it is bright and shiny. What I mean here is that I am not trusting God more when I pretend everything is okay. I am trusting God when I am sobbing on the bathroom floor, trying to breathe, and turning to Him. God is glorified in the sorrow and in the ugliness.
I have been reminded more than ever that God is the one who sustains me. God is faithful to me even if I am not faithful to Him. I have been angry, emotional, and so much more. I have questioned why this happened so many times, but God always brings me back to Christ. Because of faith in Jesus Christ, I never have to taste hell. I never have to be apart from God, and neither do my children. Christ, out of His love and mercy, saved me, and for this reason alone, I always have something to praise Him and be thankful for.
“Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’”
Lamentations 3:19-24
I have always loved Lamentations 3, and these verses are some of the most well-known verses in the Bible. This is a hard chapter to read, but life is really hard to live at times too. I find so much comfort in these verses. Even though God had caused all of this havoc in Jeremiah’s life, he still praised the Lord for the His faithfulness. Losing my kids really, really hurts. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
Yet, God is good. God is here even when I don’t feel Him. I am learning that my emotions do not dictate truth or reality even when I think they do. I am learning to go to God’s Word more and to drink from the truth He has given. I am learning to thank God for each day. And one day, this life will end and I will see Him face to face. Oh, how I cannot wait for that sweet day!
- Ravyn Canale
Hope mom to Noah and Isabelle
Ravyn is married to Anthony, and together they have three children: Noah, Isabelle, and Micah. Ravyn is a teacher and loves reading, writing, and hiking.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
Got something to say?