Could I Have Done More?

This Q&A series is intended to help you take steps forward in wisdom. Lay your questions before Scripture with us; find in the ashes that wisdom “will place on your head a graceful garland; she will bestow on you a beautiful crown” (Prov. 4:9). What questions about grief, God, or the Bible do you have right now? Contact us here. 

When we carry a child in our womb, we often feel our child’s life and development is ultimately in our control. The baby is in us and part of us. We share blood and oxygen. We feed him or her. Doesn’t that make it all up to us? The baby is dependent on us so shouldn’t we be able to control the outcome of the pregnancy?

The short answer is that we are not ultimately in control.

With my first two girls, I did everything the books said to do. I even did extra things the books didn’t say I needed to do like cutting out all caffeine and limiting getting my hair colored. When I was pregnant with my son (who was stillborn 22 years ago) I was tired. Really tired. So I popped a few M&Ms for a small caffeine rush.

When my son, Zach, was stillborn at 37 weeks, the first thing I did was blame myself. Maybe he wouldn’t have died if I had abstained from those tasty little colorful morsels. Or maybe I slept on the wrong side. Or maybe if I hadn’t flown at 24 weeks. And the list of guilt-inducing scenarios went on and on.

After I found out my third child would be a boy, I would often say things like, “What am I going to do with a boy? I know how to ‘do’ girls but I don’t know boys.” When Zach died, my first thought was it was my fault because God decided I didn’t want or deserve a son. Someone I knew suggested it was my fault and quoted the verse in Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”

Mamas, I cannot tell you the soul searching I did on that one. Deep, honest, raw soul searching. And you know what our Father showed me? He reminded me that I wanted a son to my very core and He knew my desire. No matter what came out of my mouth in a joking manner, He knew the deep longing I had for a little boy. Guilt gone. The lie was squashed and the truth was revealed—I knew children are a wonderful gift from Him (Ps. 127:3).

Mama, are you holding on to guilt about the loss of your child? It’s time to let it go. Our heavenly Father does not want us to carry a burden of endless guilt.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Romans 8:1

Are you like I was and you’re believing a lie that the loss of your child was your fault? Do you feel you could have done more to save your baby? Is guilt overwhelming you?

That is not what our heavenly Father would want for you. He did not come to condemn us. He came to love us and to give us an abundant life—full of hope and joy.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10

The enemy, Satan, wants to harm us but Jesus wants us to have an abundant life. He isn’t satisfied with us just having an “okay” life. He wants us living our lives abundantly hoping, abundantly full of joy, abundantly at peace, abundantly overcoming, and abundantly living. And that means following Him in truth. For even if there was something you did wrong—even if that scenario was true—Jesus blood covers that too. If you have asked Jesus’ forgiveness for your sins and ask Him to be God of your life instead of you, this peace is yours!

So, how do we resolve any guilt we have over thinking we could have done more?

First, know our Father does not want us to have guilt. He does not condemn us; Jesus blood covers us who believe, always. That is sufficient to clear all guilt—whether real or imaginary. Why should we condemn ourselves?

Secondly, realize we live in a fallen world where physical maladies exist and where God is ultimately in control about the number of all of our days.

Finally, let me ask you a question. If you knew there was something—anything—you could have done to save your child, wouldn’t you have done it? My guess is your answer is “Yes! A million times, YES!” There. Done. Guilt gone. You would have done anything and everything to save your child so how can you have guilt about losing your child? You can’t. Or you shouldn’t. Even if your answer to this question had been “no,” Jesus death covers—completely—the sins of all who believe.

Ask the Father to help you release the guilt that you are holding onto. Give it to Him.

“In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I called. From His temple He heard my voice, and my cry came to His ears.”
2 Samuel 22:7

Shelly D. Templin is an author, speaker and blogger that shares a message of hope – with humor. She has three daughters, a son-in- law, and a granddaughter. Shelly lives in Texas with her husband, Jack, of 29 years and their two dogs.

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