Planning a Funeral Instead of a Birthday Party

Each child gone ahead from among us is a precious person made in the image of God—and all having been made into Hope Moms, we together declare motherhood in each of our journeys. Through this series, we honor each other’s experiences of motherhood in love through our shared God of hope.

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It’s the big day. There really should have been more planning involved. Everything was thrown together at the last minute. The food has been taken care of. The flowers have already been arranged. We’ve selected some great music. The purple bear we bought her is perfect. The guests will be arriving soon, and we haven’t even left the house yet! I’ve curled my hair, but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m wearing a dress. My son looks adorable in his little suit, and my husband looks handsome in his. But I don’t notice these things. All I can think about is the event.

We drive to the church, and most of our guests are already there. They watch us as we make our way to the front of the church and slide into the first pew. Her flowers are here, and they look beautiful. Her purple bear is here, so soft and ready to be cuddled. But my daughter, Kinley, is not here. She passed away in the hospital two days ago, and we are at her funeral.

It should have been her birthday party I was planning. And one day it should have been her wedding. But it will never be.

What if that was the end of the story? What if those were all the memories that surrounded that day?

I had been struggling to write this. I didn’t really want to go back—back to the funeral home, having an unimaginable conversation. Back to the flower shop, selecting pink roses and a soft, purple bear my daughter would never hold. And back to the church, where our family and friends had gathered to say goodbye to Kinley, whom most had never had the chance to meet. I didn’t want my thoughts to linger on the hardest days I’ve ever experienced. But as I replayed these memories, it wasn’t the sadness that overwhelmed me. It was the rays of hope that were woven through this difficult time. God proved faithful once again, even in the midst of planning a funeral. As I looked back, I could clearly see His preparation, His provision, His peace, and His purpose.

God’s Preparation

When I was in college, I heard the song, “Glory Baby,” by Watermark (Christy and Nathan Nockels). The couple began writing this song about losing a child after their first miscarriage, and finished writing the song after their second miscarriage. The song had stayed with me years later, and I have no doubt God prepared for me to hear it in advance. When the time came for Kinley’s funeral, I knew this was the song I wanted played:

Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we’re home with you
Until we’re home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away, when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Sweet little baby, it’s hard to understand it
‘Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away, when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know
All you’ll ever know

These words penned by other grieving parents whispered peace into my soul. It was the anthem I hadn’t known I needed, but that God had lovingly orchestrated for me.

Another example of God’s preparation was how He had placed other Hope Moms in my life ahead of time and in the weeks that followed so that I had a support system in place. These women reached out to me through phone calls, texts, letters, and Facebook messages. They offered me encouragement and assurance that I was not alone. It was as if God had formed this army of women who didn’t let me wallow in my grief but came along side me—tissues in tow—to walk the journey with me.

God’s Provision

After the funeral was over, my husband, Matt, went to the funeral director to pay our bill. Only it had already been paid for us. Someone had anonymously covered our expenses. We checked with our parents, but they were not responsible. God had used a generous person to provide for our needs and demonstrate, yet again, His love for us.

God also provided family and friends that took care of the meal after the service. I didn’t have to plan, prepare, or clean anything because of kind individuals who saw a need and filled it. These people served, not out of obligation, but out of love. They imitated Christ and blessed us tremendously.

God’s Peace

Romans 8:28 was read at Kinley’s service. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” At the time, I didn’t know if I actually believed this. But as I look back now, I can see the good God was continuously weaving through my story. It wasn’t that Kinley’s death was good or would ever be good. It was the proof that God was good and would continue to be so even in heartbreak. And this knowledge brought me peace.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”
Isaiah 26:3

God’s Purpose

The most prevalent question that came to mind during Kinley’s funeral and for many weeks afterward was the question of “why.” Why did my daughter have to die? Why didn’t God save her? What was the purpose?

In Lysa TerKeurst’s book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way,” she sheds radiant light on this burning question:

“You won’t know why this and that are happening. But there is a part of the why you will come to know… You’ll find it in the eyes of every human you brush up against or bump into or barrel over or dare to embrace. In their eyes will be a secret sorrow, a deep wound, a scared child. You were made to connect with that person. Really connect… its through your tears that people are united… Perfection intimidates. Compassion inspires. And in that you will finally find the why. Why did this happen? Because there’s someone else in this world who would drown in their own tears if not for seeing yours. And when you make one other human simply see they aren’t alone, you make the world a better place.”

Since Kinley’s funeral, God has placed many Hope Moms in my path that needed to hear my story. They needed to know they weren’t alone. They needed to know they could survive the loss of their child. God produced purpose in the pain.

A funeral is not what any parent should have to plan, but sometimes it is the reality we are faced with. I encourage you to look for the good, for those moments that could only have been God. It may be weeks, months, or even years after the funeral, but I pray you reach the point where light overpowers the darkness of that day. I promise you that God will get you there if you let Him. I also want to assure you that God won’t waste your suffering. He will purposely position people in your path that need your compassion, encouragement, and hope. Listen for His leading.

To my sweet Hope Sisters that are currently planning the funerals of their precious babies, or those who feel like they are drowning in the aftermath, I see you. You are not alone. You will survive this because Christ has triumphed over death. God will provide purpose in your pain. You are deeply loved.

Stephanie Blanks is married to Matt and has four children: Lyston (9), Kinley (who went home to Jesus in 2011), Levi (6), and Leighton (4). Stephanie works at the Chamber of Commerce in her small town of Hondo, TX. She enjoys singing in her church praise band, running, reading, and spending time with her family at the lake. You can read more from Stephanie on her blog.

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