Paige, Forever Held

We may have only carried our babies on this side of eternity for a short while, but they are forever held in our hearts. In this series, Hope Moms share how they have held their precious babies throughout the months and years following their home going. What has remembering your hope baby looked like for you? We would love to have you write about the traditions you have started to represent your hope baby in your holiday celebrations, family photos, home, etc., or how you celebrate their birthday or heaven day. Find out how you can share your story HERE.

I could have never anticipated how physically empty my arms would feel in those days and weeks after we said goodbye to our daughter, Paige, and left the hospital without her. There were so many days when I just ached to rock her in my arms. Since that was not the reality that God had chosen for us though, we began to find other ways to forever hold our sweet girl in our lives until we are able to hold her again in heaven one day.

Before Paige was born into the arms of Jesus, a dear friend of mine gifted her with a beautiful blanket—something to wrap her sweet little body in when we got to hold her for the first and only time on this side of eternity. It was the first thing I made sure to pack in our hospital bags and has become one of my most treasured memories of Paige. When I look at it, I remember it holding her precious little frame, intricately and purposefully formed by God. In the first days and weeks when my arms felt so empty, I would fill them with this blanket, clutching it with all my strength as I poured out my heart to the Lord. This blanket has a special place in my “prayer corner” of our house. When I sit down to spend time in the Word, it reminds me of the beautiful gift that God gave us with Paige. It reminds me that I once held her in my arms, that Jesus is now holding her in His, and that I will one day get to hold her in mine again, too.

My husband also gave me a way to hold Paige’s memory close by every day. Soon after saying goodbye to her, he surprised me with a beautiful necklace. Underneath a Tree of Life charm was an engraved gold pendant. One side was engraved with the words from Psalm 139:14 “fearfully and wonderfully made” while the other side held Paige’s full name and date of birth. He wasn’t sure that I’d want to wear it, but it has not left my neck since the day he surprised me with it. Every time I feel it jingle against my chest, I picture Paige and wonder what joyous things she is doing with Jesus in heaven. Every time someone compliments how beautiful and unique it is, I feel like Paige is saying a little “hello” to me. And every time someone asks me about it, I get to share our sweet daughter’s story and spread some of the love and hope that I have in Christ.

While I am still navigating the first year since Paige’s going home, I have found the holidays to be amongst the hardest of days. I feel my arms aching a little extra on the days when family gathers, and I can’t help but remember that a piece of our family is missing. Slowly but surely, we are finding ways to forever hold Paige in our holiday traditions. My husband and I have found so much joy in picking out and taking fresh flowers to our precious girl’s grave site on these tough days. It has been so special to step away from the chaos of the day and spend some quiet time as a family of three while saying hello to our baby girl. God has gifted us with so many moments of joy during these visits, and we look forward to so many more.

During our first Christmas without Paige, my husband and I created such a sweet memory when we went shopping for the perfect stocking for our little girl, and then decorated it together, proudly writing her name in pink glitter. Though she may not be here in our arms, her stocking will always go up right in between ours. On top of missing her during that Christmas season, my heart just broke at the thought of not being able to go shopping for gifts for Paige. I had envisioned a tree full of sweetly wrapped presents, and instead, it was going to be empty. So I decided to start two Christmas shopping traditions to help hold onto Paige during these seasons. Every year, I will pick one very special ornament out for Paige, wrap it, proudly label it with her name, and place it under the tree. This year, my husband and I got to find this gift under the tree and open it Christmas morning, but I look forward to the days when our house if full of little hands and feet, and Paige’s siblings get to open her special ornament and place it on the tree.

I also found a beautiful candle to put in her stocking. I smiled from ear to ear as I went out shopping with pride for the perfect candle for my sweet girl. Once again, we unwrapped it Christmas morning and immediately placed it on the mantle. We have started calling this our “Paige Candle,” and it will sit on the mantle all year long. Every time I light it, on a day when I’m missing her a little extra, during a family gathering, on a holiday, or on a “just because” kind of day, and see its flame flickering and smell the sweet fragrance I so intentionally chose, I am reminded that Paige is near to our hearts. I am reminded that Jesus is “the Light of the world” (John 8:12), and because of the hope I have in Him, I will get to celebrate holidays with Paige in my arms once again one day. Every year we will put a new “Paige Candle” on the mantle, and I look forward to the memories we will create while it burns bright and continues to remind us that Paige is forever held by us.

While I can’t hold my daughter again on this side of eternity, I have found, and continue to find, so many ways to hold her in my heart. Because I know He created her so lovingly and intentionally, I have come to see her in so much of God’s creation. I think of her when I see a pink sunset out of our window, or when new life springs out of a plant I once thought was dead. I think of her when I see a butterfly flutter by or feel the cool breeze on a hot day. I think of her when I get to wipe a tear or give a hug to one of my students. Every sign of life—of God’s creation—makes me think of her. She will be forever held in our hearts until the day when we can hold her in our arms once again.

Anna lives in Houston, TX and is a wife to Brendan, mom to hope baby Paige, and preschool teacher to a room full of four-year-olds. She finds joy in traveling with her husband, reading two or three books at a time, and sipping a strong cup of coffee at any local coffee shop. “Choose Hope” is Anna’s motto to live by, and she finds her daily strength through God’s Word and faithfulness.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.