My Rock of Refuge

When I found out that my son’s heart was no longer beating, I instantly felt like everyone who saw me could tell that I was carrying his lifeless body inside of me—like they knew that I was the mother whose body had failed her baby. 

As I walked around the nurses station, passed the reception desk, and through the waiting room on my way out of that terrible appointment, it seemed as though everyone I passed was staring right through me. I felt dirty, exposed, and marked by this devastating loss.

All I wanted to do was hide.

I wanted to go where nobody could see me and wrestle with the brokenness inside of me.
I wanted to find a safe place where I could let the tears fall freely.

During the days that followed, I was thankful for the times I could just sit in darkness without anyone seeing the ugliness of grief that had washed over me. 

But life could not slow down and wait for me to grieve in hiding. I had three other children who needed me all throughout the day, dishes that needed to cleaned, laundry that needed to be washed, a ministry at my church that I was deeply committed to. There were not many moments of solitude or silence in those early days of grief.   

But as hard as it was to feel as though all eyes were on me as I was mourning the loss of this beloved child, I was so thankful that He saw me. 

I began to fill every spare moment of my time soaking up God’s life-giving Word. The book of Psalms saturated my weary soul, and I realized that while I could not hide away from the responsibilities and people that filled my days, I could always hide in Him. 

He was my refuge. When I was overwhelmed with the flood of emotions that continually flooded my heart, I could always come to Him for safety and comfort.

“Be to me a rock of refuge,
to which I may continually come;”
-Psalm 71:3

There were certainly times that I chose to seek shelter is some other way, apart from the Lord—times when I doubted or discredited His perfect care for me. But no other “shelter” could preserve me as God could. No other refuge could comfort and sustain me as His loving arms do. All the deepest needs of my grieving heart can be met in Him.

“The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him.”
-Nahum 1:7

Oh sister! He knows you! Where are you seeking refuge from this storm? Are you searching for the shelter of isolation by pushing everyone around you away? Are you hiding behind the facade of having it all together, pretending to the world that you are strong and everything is fine, when inside you feel like you are dying? Do you fill your days with the cover of distractions and business, desperately trying to keep your mind off of the pain that is searing your heart? These things won’t satisfy the ache inside of you, dear one. Only He can.

“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.”
-Psalm 46:1

Christ stretched out His arms on the cross in order to make it possible for you to run into the loving arms of His Father. Will you choose to find refuge in the One who knows you perfectly and completely? The One who is your strength and your shield? He will sustain those who cast their burdens on Him, and they will not be shaken. 

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
-Psalm 91:1-2

Ashlee is the Editorial Coordinator for Hope Mommies and author of their I AM, Identity, and Sojourn Bible studies. She and her husband, Jesse, live in Milwaukee with their children—five on earth and two in heaven.

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