More of Him

As I look back over the past four years since I first began this painful journey through loss, I realize that I have experienced more of Jesus than I would have been ready to embrace had I not walked through this valley of grief. Because this valley has led me straight to the heart of God, and it has been because of this sorrow that I have been able to, in some small way, identify with Christ’s sorrow.

These four years have pushed me further and deeper into the embrace of my loving God, and into a position of deep security and peace in the arms of the One who knows what it feels like to be weighed down by grief and pain. So even in this place where tears are often close to the surface, and my heart is heavy from missing my little ones, I can say, “I am truly blessed.” Because…

His plan is perfect

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:9

I’ve seen how, throughout my life, the time I have spent in prayer has been focused far more on getting what I desire from God, than on entering in to what God desires for me. But I have begun to see that while this journey of losing two little ones has been extremely painful it has also been highly purposeful. My God, who made the entire universe without error, has made no mistakes in the plans He has made for my life. I know that He can and will use everything in my life, no matter how devastating, for my good, because I am His.

I spent an abundance of time and energy in praying for a miracle for each of our sweet babies, knowing full well that my God, who holds the keys of death in His hands, was more than capable of restoring their life and health. But that was not His plan. And while my miracle may not have been the health and healing of my little ones on this earth, it has without a doubt been more of Him in me. And this miracle, the miracle of His presence in my life in ways I had not experienced it before, has infused my loss with great meaning.

His purpose is perfect

“I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.”
Psalm 57:2

I have come to recognize the significance of God’s purpose in my life.  He has not promised to keep me from sickness, grief, and pain, but rather to purify me and empower me to place all of my hope in Him. My Lord was beaten and killed so that I could be made whole, not so that I would be free from sorrow, and He has called me, not to a life of comfort, but to a life of purpose in Him.

God’s purposes have been at work through this sorrow, as He cuts away at the sinful places of my heart so that I can continue to flourish. He is cleansing me day-by-day, chiseling out anything that has been preventing me from seeing that apart from Him, I have no good thing (Psalm 16:2).

His timing is perfect

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11

Initially, as my heart was longing for our babies, I felt like they had been taken too soon— that their lives on this earth had been too short. But as I have come to understand God’s sovereignty in a deeper way, I now realize that the purposes of God for the lives of my children were perfectly fulfilled in the number of days He ordained for them.

Each minute, every beat of their hearts, all of their days, were perfectly numbered. No purpose in their lives was left unfulfilled. I may not fully understand on this side of eternity why this timing was best for them and for me, but because I know who my God is, I can accept what my God gives, and when He chooses for it all to happen.

His presence is perfect

“You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”
Psalm 16:11

The more I have become acquainted with sorrow the more I have come to see that it often feels like emptiness. And this understanding has brought me to a place of greater hope, because I know that God’s Word is full of the promises of His ability and desire to fill our emptiness with Himself. In being dealt the emptiness of sorrow I was being made ripe to be filled by the joy of His presence.

This is not the path that I would have ever chosen, but it is the path that God has laid before me. And while each step deeper into His presence has been reached at great cost, I am starting to see just how true it is that dying to myself is the only way I can truly live. And in so doing my heart is learning to treasure His presence above everything else that I’ve let go of.

I once thought that in trusting God through my sorrow, loss wouldn’t feel so painful. But that hasn’t been true. It doesn’t hurt less when you trust in God. However, the pain has not overwhelmed me, because in being connected to Christ, He is shouldering this burden with me. As Paul said in 2 Corinthians 4:8, I am “afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed,”  and I have certainly never been abandoned, because it is His presence that enables me to overcome.

I have found more of Jesus in these hard, broken places.  He has been at work in my life in ways that I certainly can take no credit for. And I know that He is not done teaching me through this sorrow. But I trust that as I keep pressing into Him, lifting my heart in worship, and pouring over His Word, I will continue to receive more of Him.

Ashlee is the Editorial Coordinator for Hope Mommies. She and her husband, Jesse, live in Milwaukee, WI. They have four children on earth, two little ones in heaven, and one expected to arrive in June. You can get to know her more by reading her blog, Beyond Undone.

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