Melissa’s Story
There are two drops of blood that are forever stained in my mind. Two drops, on a tile floor in the emergency room, that signaled an end to a precious beginning. They can never be wiped clean—they stay with me, but they do not leave me in despair.
It all began in October of 2014. One Sunday morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It was positive and we were pregnant! My husband and I had tried to have a child for over a year, and this was the most precious news to begin my morning. We were ecstatic! We would finally be parents! After church, we let our close family and friends know so that they could be celebrating and praying with us for a healthy child. I took tests out of disbelief for a few more days, all confirming that I was pregnant. It was a wonderful time of celebration and excitement, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Four days later, everything changed.
First there was a little spotting, and then the bleeding increased and was accompanied by cramping and pain. My heart dropped when I saw the blood. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, no breath left in my lungs to tell my husband what had happened. He picked me up and we went to the hospital. It was at the hospital that two drops of blood hit the hospital floor as the doctor came in with the results. Seeing those drops, I knew, before he had even uttered a word, that our child was gone.
Having a miscarriage was gut wrenching and painful beyond compare. But it was also this strange time of hope and joy which we know only came from the Father who was comforting us, mourning with us, and encouraging us. I am so incredibly grateful for those four days we had with our first child. You see, I shouldn’t have known I was pregnant. I had no signs of pregnancy, and we had given up trying for a child a while ago as we transitioned jobs. That Sunday, however, I woke up with a feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I feel like that desire was from God. He let me know we had a child, let us celebrate for those four days before we lost that child, and then let us know He was with us the whole time—in the ER, in the house, in every moment. We could feel His presence, holding us close and holding us together. I have never felt such joy and pain at the same time.
“The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
Of course, we did not always handle everything perfectly. Satan attacked me a lot with thoughts of guilt and despair. There were so many accusations and fears in my head. I felt my body had failed, I felt it was my fault we lost our child, and feared we would never have children. Thoughts ran through my head in the darkness of night. “What if you had been healthier? What if you had done something different? Why would God allow this to happen? Is He still good?” But the worst thought of all was that I had nothing tangible to hold in order to remember that child. His teeny tiny body must have been flushed down the toilet with the blood, which bathed me in guilt as a parent.
We named our baby Eliyah Taylor (which means “The Lord is my God, and “forever beautiful”) and gave him or her to God knowing we will get to meet that sweet baby someday in Heaven. I know God still has a purpose for our child. My hope is that God can use our story to comfort others in their time of grief.
Through it all, God continued to remind me of His love for us. At night, when I couldn’t sleep, I could feel His presence wrapping around me. I could hear His Word combatting the lies in my head. He was holding on to me even when I was doubting Him. He was filling me with hope, and reminding me that He works all things together for good and for His glory.
“We know that in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”
Romans 8:28
And then, on October 7 of this year, we lost another child.
We weren’t planning on getting pregnant, but even with being careful, we still got pregnant. I began to feel different. It was a familiar sensation, a mixture of exhaustion, pressure, and that “feeling.” I was terrified and excited because, to us, the timing couldn’t have been more off. But I prayed and was filled with peace about the whole thing. I knew if God was going to put life in me, He would provide along the way. And sure enough, the test was positive, so we rejoiced at the new life in me.
But things don’t always work out the way we want them to.
I had stayed home from church that Sunday because our dog had just gotten spayed, and we didn’t want to leave her home without supervision. Josh went to church with the boys, and I was going to stay home and watch the service from home. I was excited to have a bit of time alone to spend with God, without my lovely little people interrupting me. And as I was singing worship and praising God, it happened.
At first it was a little blood. Spotting, I supposed, as things stretched to make room. I prayed. And then more blood came, and I knew. Another pregnancy test. Negative. Our baby was gone.
As I was worshiping God, my baby was going to Him. And while I am sad and have cried many tears, I have so much peace. Just like He did when we were pregnant with Eliyah, He allowed me to know I was pregnant. I could have waited or ignored my thoughts and not taken a pregnancy test. I could have never known. But I do know.
There are so many questions, thoughts, and doubts at times. Sometimes there’s guilt and shame. Sometimes I try to rationalize why it had to happen, like maybe the chromosomes were wrong or my hormones were wrong or the cells were wrong. Sometimes I sit and think about how all-powerful God is and wonder why He didn’t let my babies live. I’m sure I’m not the only one with these thoughts—thoughts that I (or any other human) can never answer completely. All I know is this: God is sovereign.
God loves so much. He gave up His Son for me. Because of the brokenness of sin in this world, bad things do happen. But this world isn’t the end. So while I don’t understand why, I do know I’m not alone. He is with me.
When I’m running from my emotions and thoughts, and feel like I am drowning in my sorrow, He is there. He is always there, whispering His love and mourning with me. He goes with me into my sorrow and turns it to joy.
I remember Eliyah all the time, and now I will remember this one, too. After prayer and waiting, we have given this one the name, Aarya Eeli. Aarya means “prayer” and Eeli means “to ascend; uplifted soul and spirit.” I praise God for these children, and thank Him that they are not lost. I may not get to experience this earthly life with them in my arms, but what better place for my children to grow up than in the arms of our loving Father? And what a day it will be when I get to heaven and embrace them, not only for the first time but also for eternity!
The pain of losing a child never goes away on this earth. My heart still hurts. But, I am not left in despair. There is hope. There is always hope in Christ. My children are with the Lord. Every time I think of Eliyah and Aarya, I can’t help but think of the wonderful love of Christ and the redemption and comfort He alone has given me.
I never forget my babies, and I think of them daily. This means I am daily drawn to thinking about the love that Christ has shown me and the gift God gave me in letting me know of my pregnancy with both of them. Their lives now continually point me to the gospel of Christ. Christ died so that I may live and walk in the promises of God. In Him, I know I will be with my children in Heaven someday, and am not limited by the brokenness of this earth. I can be content and have hope because this earth is not the end of my journey.
- Melissa Steindl
Hope Mom to Eliyah and Aarya
Melissa is a work-from-home mom of two boys earth-side and two babies in Heaven. She and her husband attend Faithbridge in Houston. She is a web-developer and writer for SHEis.com, and she aims to share the hope of Christ with everyone she can. Her love for Christ influences her lifestyle and work. She loves family life, cooking, art & design, gardening, DIY projects, and natural living.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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