Kelsey’s Story

May 27, 2018. My due date. My husband and I once looked forward to this day with so much excitement and anticipation. It might not have even been this day exactly. It could have been a few days earlier, probably a few days later. Regardless, according to our plan it would have happened. But that’s the thing about life sometimes. It doesn’t always go the way you plan—because in October 2017, I had a miscarriage.

I was far enough along in my pregnancy to barely start showing. I was far enough along to experience the rough symptoms that I would give anything to feel again. Very few people even knew I was pregnant, let alone knew I suffered a miscarriage. But why I’m writing isn’t about the nightmare I’ve experienced. This is my testimony: that even in absolute heartache, God is good.

I have always considered myself a woman of strong faith. I talk and pray to God throughout the day, rely on Him for wisdom and strength, and know how truly awesome His love is for His children. It’s so very easy to sing praises to God during the good. But praising God in the storm of life was an entirely new walk of faith for me. 

I became pregnant in early September, after trying to conceive for quite some time. I remember seeing those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, and starting to sob immediately over my bathroom sink. I don’t remember how many times I said aloud, “Thank you God,” but it was far too many to count. Sadly over a month later, I’d find myself in a cold exam room, sobbing this time for a different reason—I had just been told our baby didn’t have a heartbeat.

I wasn’t mad at God. Instead I found myself questioning God’s will, almost like a small child questioning their parent. Why is this my plan? Can’t I have a different plan than this? One where I don’t have to suffer the loss of a child I will never see on this side of Heaven? Why me, God? Why? I wish I could say that my questioning went away quickly, but sadly it did not.

In those moments of uncertainty and confusion, there has always been a verse that immediately enters my mind and fills my tired soul.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Trust in the Lord. Seems simple enough, but its very hard to do. I found myself mentally laying down my dream of one day becoming a mother at the feet of our God, not knowing exactly what He would do with it.

I clung tightly to God’s Word more than ever before. My Bible was, and still is, never far away. During my healing, I’d come across Scripture that I believe God purposely put in my path of reading, like:

“But blessed is the one who trust in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)

As I’ve learned to put my trust in God, my eyes have become even more open to His endless and unfathomable love. God sent His only son to die for us. Imagine that. God knew the fate of Jesus on earth—His torture and judgment, and His horrific death—and God still sent Him as our Savior. Could you imagine sending your own child to this same fate? If you’re anything like me, probably not. But that is how deep God’s love is for us— we who are not worthy of His love, but receive it freely.

I know that our baby dances and plays at the feet of Jesus because of this overwhelming love. I know that I can surrender my entire heart to God, knowing His plans will be good, even if I don’t always see that right away.

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:16 (NIV)

God has a glorious life planned for His children. All we have to do is give up the controls to trust, sit back, and let God drive us to our destination, which is His heavenly kingdom. Along the way, there will be hills and valleys. There will be moments that feel like stop signs, ways that say do-not-enter, and even the occasional u-turn. But there will also be beautiful scenery and moments of rest and bliss—moments given to us by a God who is always good.

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I’m a wife to my high school sweetheart, a daughter, sister, friend, dog-mom, and most importantly a child of God. I’m a nurse during the day, and a home baker at night from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

 

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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