Jessica’s Story

We began trying for children in October 2009. Due to a rare genetic disorder my husband carried and our family history, we anticipated loss to be a part of that journey. From May 2010-February 2012 we experienced three losses. They were all 3-6 week losses and each time, no heartbeat was detected.

We kept trusting the Lord even though it was really hard. I had to battle a lot of bitter feelings because I had friends getting pregnant left and right. It was a challenging time because, while we knew what the Bible says about the faithfulness of God, we were not seeing our prayers answered in the ways we expected.

We tried fertility doctors to seek further answers, but we were just met with more uncertainty. Everyone who spoke with us heard what my husband had and wrote our issues off. There were very few options left for us. After taking a break and trusting in God’s provision, we experienced our fourth loss. The Lord used this pregnancy to bring us closer together in our marriage and to Him.

After this time we seriously looked long and hard for “the best doctor in town” and were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. Abigail Jewel was our first heartbeat after more than four years of hearing nothing. It was joyous! We did an early genetic test and saw she didn’t have anything my husband had. What could go wrong, right? Around 19 weeks my water broke, and at the hospital we found no heartbeat. The “best doctor” told us these things just happen.

Seriously? She was perfectly normal. She was our fifth miscarriage and these things “just happen?” We were devastated. It is the worst thing we had ever had to go through. I had come to terms with being joyful for others that got pregnant and learned to celebrate life because I did not want to be like the enemy and steal joy, but this was the worst thing I had ever experienced. No one should ever have to bury their own children. Yet, through it all, I knew that God was good and faithful because we still had so much that had been miraculously provided for us during this time.

We were not forgotten. We both had a hard time with the prospect of trying again and told the Lord that He would have to change our hearts to want to try again naturally or we weren’t going to do it at all. Well, He did just that. Someone who we just met encouraged us to go back to the original plan we had for our family. We knew that she meant to encourage us not to stop pursuing our desire to have biological children. She didn’t know we had adoption paperwork filled out and were planning on mailing it off the next week. So we took her advice and clung to hope.

The first time we stopped preventing we got pregnant. We thought this time everything would work out. We got a new doctor who came highly recommended by several friends, and she was going to be more proactive in caring for us. She got us on various supplements as a precaution and we went forward with hope. At our first ultrasound though, our baby was not measuring as she should. Shortly after that we miscarried Joanna Grace. She was about seven weeks along.

Dr. Rice was willing to do genetic testing on Joanna and myself to find out the root cause. Through a series of blood draws we found out that I have mutation in an enzyme called MTHFR. This mutation severely hinders my ability to process folate well which is important nutritionally for cell and DNA multiplication. We also found out that like Abby, Joanna was perfectly normal genetically. We started supplementing appropriately for the MTHFR for about a month and were able to get pregnant shortly after that.

While there are so many answers we will never know in this life, we are assured of one thing now more than ever: we cannot hope in things on this earth to bring us satisfaction or life, not even the “experts” in life. We do not deserve the breath in our lungs, yet we are privileged to live. Our purpose in life is to serve the One who created us and to love Him with all that we are. He is next to us in every painful moment in this imperfect world and wants to comfort us, if we only choose Him.

In Abby’s service, we had Lamentations 3:16-26 read. It is a beautiful passage and I hope you take the time to read it fully, but verses 21-22 says, “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end.” In this season, we are learning more than ever that our hope is not based in our dream to have children one day, our financial stability, or even in each other, but it is in the One who will be there for us and love us now and forevermore.

While we deeply desire more children and our journey has brought us much grief, this is not the focus of our lives. We must trust the One who is unchanging, unflinching, and unwavering in His steadfast love toward us while we fix our hearts upon Him. The greatest commandment was meant to be a blessing to draw us into a more secure place with the Lord, and we implore you to challenge yourself in your faith in Jesus to have nothing else above Him in your lives. Ask Him what you are giving your time and energy to, and if you are putting it in a place in your life above Him. Listen to what He has to say and obey.

We are blessed and thankful to have welcomed our daughter, Alexia Hope, into this world in 2015. We are thankful for the journey the Lord has brought us on, and we hope that through our story we can bring the hope of Christ to others.

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Jessica became a Hope Mom in 2010 when she started her journey of trusting the Lord with her family. She and her husband have six children waiting for them in heaven and they know one day they will see them again. Lamentations 3 says, “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends.”

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