I Wish You Knew: What Really Helps

Often in our grief, those closest to us do not know how to comfort and encourage us. Sometimes they stay away or don’t say anything at all because they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. In this series, we hope to better equip those around us to come alongside a grieving mother—to enter their hurt and offer hope and encouragement, or simply grieve with them.

“Let me know if you need anything, I’d love to help.”

It’s the phrase I heard most often after I lost my first two daughters. A well meaning statement, but a difficult one to know how to answer in the midst of the intense grief that follows the devastating loss of a child. It’s often hard to simply get out of bed much less know what you need, and then take the initiative to express that to someone.

After I lost my first daughter, I realized many months later ways in which I wish I could have responded to others’ requests to help. Those realizations enabled me to be a bit more specific with people the second time I lost a child, and also gave me insight into what really helps someone who is grieving.

Saying something is better than nothing

The most powerful statements spoken to me were not those filled with many words; they were the simple words of, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say.” Words like, “I’m hurting with you,” or, “I wish your daughter was still here.” You could read many articles or books on what not to say or not to do when interacting with someone who is grieving. Sometimes, though helpful, those articles can be more paralyzing than motivating. But here is what I’ve discovered, both as I step into someone else’s pain and as I allow others into mine: saying something is better than nothing. I can be humble and gracious enough to accept that sometimes what I say may be the “wrong” thing, and sometimes what others say to me may be the “wrong” thing. But at other times, the words spoken may be exactly what brings comfort to their heart. I miss the opportunity to be a balm of comfort to others, and allow others to be a balm of comfort to my soul, when I refuse words spoken or refuse to be the one to say something out of fear.

Specifics are better than generalities

“What do you need? How can I help? How are you doing?” General questions like these can be paralyzing for someone in grief. I never knew how to answer those questions in the midst of my own seasons of deep pain, and tried to avoid them at all costs. Grief affects your decision-making ability; everything can be so muddled in your mind. But what I discovered was that specific questions, or specific offers of help, were much easier to respond to.

Instead of “What do you need, or how can I help,” here are some ideas:

“Can I bring you coffee today?” Yes, a thousand times yes. Come on over.
“Can I come do your laundry today or tomorrow?”
“I’d like to bring you a meal this week, would Thursday work?”
“Can I come mow your lawn?”
“I’d love to come play with your other children so you have some space…”

Instead of “How are you?” some other ideas:

“What has grief been like for you today?”
“If you’re up for it, I’d love to hear about your time with (insert child’s name).”
“How has your last hour (or 5 minutes) been?”

It may take a little forethought (but probably not much), but asking something specific about a way you can help, something you’d like to bring over, or simply making a drive by coffee run for your friend and dropping it off at the door are simple ways to offer help and make it easy for the one grieving to make few decisions.

The greatest thing you can do is simply ask God how you can help your friend, or, as the one grieving, how you can invite others into your pain. God knows what you need. He knows what your friend in grief needs, and He knows how He wants to minister through you to another. We can trust Him to lead us in what to say or do with humble and gracious hearts.

Say the name of the child who has died

My eyes light up anytime I hear someone refer to my children who have died. Sophie. Dasah. Their names are like music to my ears. But when the music of hearing their names brings tears to my eyse, I often hear something like, “Oh I didn’t want to make you sad.” Can I tell you a secret you probably already know? My tears are not only ones of sadness, but ones of joy. Joy and pain collide together at every turn of this road called grief. It means so much that someone would say their name. And truth be told, no one can make me more sad at missing them than I already am. I just have the opportunity to invite others into that joy and pain in remembrance of my sweet girls when they say their names.

I imagine there are very few mommas who would rather you not say the names of their child who has died. In fact, often, as time goes on, fewer and fewer people remember, and even fewer say their names. This is what makes the sound of their name so sweet, and fills the eyes of the aching momma with tears.

Be an active learner of what helps someone in grief

Perhaps you have read a book on grief, or an article like this one. Since few people grieve the same, some of the best advice given to me was to take what I’m learning and ask my friend in grief what resonates with them. For example: “I was reading an article that said it’s better to ask specific questions than general ones for someone who is grieving. Would more specific questions be helpful for you?” Or you could simply send them what you have read, and ask them to tell you what in it rings true for them and what does not.

Even though I have grieved deeply, I realize that what has been helpful for me may not be helpful for another. Sometimes I have simply said to a friend, “This was helpful for me, but do you think it would be helpful for you?” This is such a sweet invitation for your friend in grief to let you know what helps and what does not. And for the one who is grieving, as you become aware of what resonates with you share those things with your trusted friends and family. I’ve told friends, “Please say their names, I love every time you say their names.” I have also affirmed family and friends when they have done something particularly meaningful. This lets others know what is helpful for you as you grieve. Though it will be an ever-evolving journey, learning to communicate, inviting others into your grief, and learning how to enter another’s grief will only grow vulnerability, connectivity, and ultimately healing for the weary soul of the one in deep pain.

There are so many other pieces of practical ideas I’d love to offer both to those who are grieving and also those who are walking alongside of someone grieving. However, these are the four that have been the most helpful to me, and I pray may be helpful to you as you communicate to others what you need and as you have opportunities to comfort others with the comfort you’ve been given.

I would love to hear from you the things that have been most helpful for you as you have navigated this unpredictable road of grief. 

Hi! I’m Lindsey. I live in Orlando, Florida with my stud of a husband, Kevin. We have four incredible children, Sophie and Dasah who now live with Jesus, Jaden who came into our lives through adoption, and Briella. We have a very energetic golden retriever, and love living in the sunshine state. I get to spend my days loving on my children, investing my life in college students here through a non-profit organization we’re a part of, and when I have time, writing on my blog about the hope that doesn’t disappoint!

Are you a writer who would like to join the blog team? Learn more and apply here.