I Wish You Knew: Speak Their Name

Often in our grief, those closest to us do not know how to comfort and encourage us. Sometimes they stay away or don’t say anything at all because they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. In this series, we hope to better equip those around us to come alongside a grieving mother—to enter their hurt and offer hope and encouragement, or simply grieve with them.

People often don’t know how to comfort a mom who has lost a baby. They aren’t sure what to say or how to say it, so they often don’t say anything. In the early months after my loss, I had people tell me they didn’t want to mention my stillborn son because they didn’t want to “remind” me.  But I wish they knew that not a minute, hour, or day passes that I don’t remember. But by not mentioning my son, I felt alone and my loss felt unseen. 

When we go through hard things, we need support. We need people to be there for us. When it comes to loss, we don’t need someone to try to make it okay—it will never really be okay. It will just be.  We need people willing to listen to us talk about our loss, simply say they are sorry, maybe give us a hug, or just acknowledge our loss.

One of the easiest ways to acknowledge the loss of a child is to talk about the child. Speak their name. If you know the name of the baby, use it.

Speak their name.

Names are important. From our earliest years, we were told not to call our friends mean or bad names. More than one teacher has had to referee a skirmish on the playground because of name-calling. We had a “no name-calling” rule in my home growing up.

But then, we grow up and get to pick names for our children.  Those are names we love and probably gave a lot of thought to. They are attached to our child. We may not have memories—but we have a name.

As Hope Mommies, some of those names are only on a piece of paper or a tombstone. We didn’t have the chance to holler their name out the back door to come in for dinner, or cheer their name at high school games. We won’t hear their names called out at graduations.

We like it when you speak their names. It doesn’t make us more sad or heart-broken.  Speaking our child’s name is natural and right to us.

Recently, I mentioned to a gal that my son was stillborn at 37 weeks. We knew each other socially, and she may have known I lost a child, but I don’t think she knew until that moment how far along I was when Zach went straight into the Father’s arms. She gently asked what he looked like and what his name was. It has been over 22 years since I saw Zach, and her question touched my heart very, very deeply. I’m not sure anyone has asked me what my son looked like in the past 21 years. As we talked about what he looked like and why I lost him, my friend used his name. It felt good and natural.

She spoke his name, and it helped my mama heart.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15

Having someone else use my son’s name was a sweet salve to my soul. It didn’t make me sad. It had the opposite effect, and brought me comfort.

Names are important because they are part of our identity and provide reference. If I’m in a crowd and someone calls out, “Mary!” I’m not going to turn around to see who is calling out. But if someone calls, “Shelly!” I will turn around and expect someone to be there that I know.

If you don’t know the name of the baby in heaven, ask the parent. They will be happy to tell you. They would love to tell you their child’s name and have recognition of their life—no matter how brief.

And if you don’t know the baby’s name, and don’t have a chance to ask, it’s okay to go ahead and mention the child. On Mother’s Day, a sweet gal who knew I lost a son, approached me and said, “I was thinking about your son today…” Even that recognition was sweet and appreciated.

Speak their name. By speaking the name, you let the Hope Mommy know you recognize their child, and that seemingly small spoken word let’s them know you care.

Speak their name. We love to here it.

Shelly D. Templin is an author, speaker and blogger that shares a message of hope – with humor. She has three daughters, a son-in- law, and a granddaughter. Shelly lives in Texas with her husband, Jack, of 29 years and their two dogs.

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