I Wish You Knew: Don’t Stay Away

Often in our grief, those closest to us do not know how to comfort and encourage us. Sometimes they stay away or don’t say anything at all because they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. In this series, we hope to better equip those around us to come alongside a grieving mother—to enter their hurt and offer hope and encouragement, or simply grieve with them.

As a bereaved mother, I often times had no clue what I wanted or needed from my friends and family. As I reflect on the past few years I can now recognize things that people did that were incredibly meaningful, and things that I wish people had known. One of the best pieces of advice I can give you as you seek to help those that are grieving is to not stay away.

Losing a child is perhaps the most isolating event a person goes through. The grief is all-encompassing, and can threaten to swallow a person whole. Walking beside someone going through this trauma can be intimidating, and the natural tendency may be to distance yourself for fear of not saying or doing the right thing.

Yes, grief is heavy, and sometimes the raw emotions that accompany grief can be scary. However, pause for a moment and consider this: what if you were the person that lessened the burden? What if you could enter into your friend’s or loved one’s darkest hour and grieve with them? To be this kind of friend or family member would surely be a blessing to any grieving parent.

^“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
Romans 12:15

Make yourself physically present, if possible.

One of the best ways to be present in their grief is to show up. Make yourself available, and be willing to talk, listen, or just sit in silence as he or she cries. I was often told to call if I needed anything, but I never wanted to tell anyone what I truly needed: a friend to talk to. I was at home caring for two young children while I struggled to breathe. Some friends offered to come and talk (or just sit) and cry with me. They came over with their kids, and provided momentary distraction from my sorrow, or they showed up with food.  Texts and phone calls were nice to receive, but there was such comfort in having people physically present. These sweet gestures in the weeks and months following my son’s death were perhaps small to those on the giving end, but they had profound impact on my heart. Those were my darkest days, but they were committed to meet me there. 

Continue to include the bereaved parents, even if they have declined previous invitations.

Some days will be intense, and they will find themselves unable to do basic tasks. Other days are brighter and interaction with the outside world is a welcomed respite. Just because they decline an invitation or offer one day does not mean they don’t want or need to be included on a different day. It is not a reflection of their need for you to reach out. I found that some of my friendships suffered greatly because it was hard for me to go out socially in the months following my son’s death. After a time, I was ready, but the invitations had stopped. My already shattered heart felt like it had been rejected, which further isolated me.

You don’t have to be a close friend or family member to walk beside someone in their grief.

There is a faulty notion that you need to be close to the bereaved parent in order to reach out. Perhaps it’s because they feel like they are invading someone’s privacy by stepping into incredibly personal moments. Don’t allow the fear of intrusion to keep you from showing love to a grieving parent.  Some of my closest companions in grief were not close friends prior to my son’s death, but they became fast friends as they shared an understanding of the pain that comes from loss. They knew the grief process and how unexpectedly the waves of emotions could come. They were able to offer practical advice and encouragement that others couldn’t.

Check on them often, even months after the loss.

The world has a way of moving on while the bereaved parent is left feeling like their world has stopped. It is all too common for people to assume the grief has lessened as a short time passes, but the opposite is often the case. As the haze of shock begins to lift, sometimes months after the loss, the bereaved parents may finally realize how deep and heavy their loss is. During this time, continue to check in on them. Let them know that you still care deeply for them and that their feelings are valid. Send them cards or Scripture to comfort and encourage them. It may not seem like much, but there were so many times that I received the perfect verse at the perfect time that kept me going. It was comforting to know that people recognized I was still hurting.

“For whatever is written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.”
Romans 15:4

Relationships have an immense impact on a person’s grief. With a few simple acts of compassion and love, you could be a friend in the truest form. You could help bear the load of unimaginable loss and ease the isolation that is grief.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Hebrews 10:24, 25

Megan Kelley is married to Jake and the mother to seven babies. Her first child she lost to miscarriage in September of 2009. She then had two children, Hunter (7) and Preston (5). After Preston, she lost her next two to miscarriage in March and August of 2014. A month later, she found out she was pregnant with her son, Thatcher, who was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome. He went to his heavenly home shortly after he was born on April 17, 2015. She was blessed with her latest addition, Abigail Quinn in July of 2017. She loves painting, gardening, cooking, reading, and playing with her kids at the park.

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