His Faithful Nearness

There are a few parts of God’s character that I have grown to love more deeply since losing two babies back to back in the same year. We lost our oldest son, Jacob, seven hours after he was born. Ten months later, we said goodbye to another baby who we never got to meet face to face. I was in the bottom of the trenches, and I was so lonely.  Grief does that, doesn’t it?

So, I was lonely, but I was also fearful. What would our future look like? After all, life wasn’t supposed to end up this way, but mine did. I was so fearful that I’d never leave the trenches of grief. It was hard to imagine that life would ever change.

So, I was fearful, I was lonely, and I felt so faithless.

I had a hard time reading my Bible. Praying felt impossible—was God even listening to me? Did He even see me here, in all my pain? I struggled to engage in the spiritual disciplines that I once found so foundational to my faith. So I felt faithless, and a little guilty.

In all of this pain and turmoil—which is only a small glimpse into the range of emotions I was feeling as I learned to be a mother to babies in heaven—I realized this: God has promised in His Word that He will never leave me and never forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). And He means it. 

I don’t know where you are today in your grief and pain. But I want to suggest that understanding this part of God’s character—His faithful nearness—can free you in your grief. Here are three reasons why:

1.  You can be honest and real in your relationship with Him.

I often tell people that the bathroom floor became holy ground for me after losing our son. It was a sacred place for me to pour out my heart before God. I would find myself sitting on the floor, crying, and saying the things that felt almost wrong to confess normally. I couldn’t help but be so brutally honest. The pain was too much to bear. I could no longer hide. 

And you know what happened when I was honest before God and laid it all out for Him to hear? Each time, God met me. He would remind me that He was near, even when I felt like He wasn’t. He would let me know that He wasn’t letting me go, no matter the amount of my faith or trust.

Are you allowing yourself to be honest and real before the Lord? I often started by telling Him something that wasn’t fair. “Babies aren’t supposed to die,” I’d say. That freedom, to let Him know that I agreed with the reality of our sinful and broken world, allowed me to actually welcome God to begin healing the hurting and broken places of my heart.

No matter how dark it feels, God won’t leave you in your grief. So be honest and real with Him.

2. You can let go of your desire for control and come to Him even in your lack of trust.

Grief surfaced anxiety in my life like nothing else ever had before, and that anxiety showed me how much I love control. When God allowed our babies to die, I began to realize how little I trusted Him. If He had allowed the death of my babies, what else would He allow? I became anxious. If something didn’t go like I planned—even something minor like making dinner—I would lose it. I wanted control.

The longer I fought for control, the more I began to realize that I never really had it. It wasn’t me who was holding the world together. God sustains it all!

Can you relate? Do you want control, fearful of what God will do or say if you relinquish any of it? Remember this—God says He will not leave your side. In Isaiah 43, God says to His people, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God” (v. 1-3).

You might pass through waters or rivers. You might being walking through fire. But God says He is with you through it! He is with you! He will not let you be consumed. He is the Lord your God. You can slowly let those fingers loosen the grasp you have on your life and your future, resting in the fact that whatever comes, God is with you. He will not leave your side.

3. God forsook His Son because of His love for you.

As He hung on the cross after living a perfect life, “Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’” (Matthew 27:46). Jesus was about to take the weight of the sins of the world on His shoulders and be separated from God, enduring pain, brokenness, and death for us.

My friends, we are loved so dearly. God was willing to forsake His own Son on our behalf. I love how Romans 8:32 says it – “He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” You may not hear a “yes” to every question of your heart. But, God says He will graciously give us all things, and we can trust Him, because He did not spare His own Son. He gave Him up for us all.

So, in your loneliness, fear, and pain, know this: God loves you so much that He was willing to abandon His Son to death so that you might live. He gives His Spirit as a seal to those who follow Him, a promise that He will never leave His people. Therefore, you have freedom to grieve as you need to, to love as you rightly should, and to process through your pain as you must because God has said He is with you. 

Run into His arms, sweet sister. Let Him hold you. His nearness can comfort your soul.

My husband John-Mark and I live in Richmond, VA, where we spend our days with college students, sharing the grace and truth that Jesus offers as He transforms their lives – and ours. I am a big fan of warm weather and the beach, meaningful conversations with those I love, and my family. These days I am in a new phase of my motherhood as I invest most of my time caring for my youngest, a sweet baby girl. The greatest honor of my life is being a mom of two with babies in Heaven.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.