Guilt + Grief: Should I Have Been More Excited About My Pregnancy?
The weight of grief that comes from the loss of a child is a tremendously heavy burden to carry. For many Hope Moms, that weight is compounded by the additional burden of guilt. In this series, we seek to gently guide the grieving mother to the foot of the cross to exchange this burden of guilt for the peace, assurance, and forgiveness that is found in Christ.
When I found out that I was pregnant with our fourth child, I was filled with so many mixed emotions. With each of our sons, I was ecstatic the day my test turned positive, but this pregnancy was different. It was not even that I did not want a fourth child, because I surely did, but I was filled with fear. We had three young boys who were all born by C-Section, and my pregnancy with our third son had been very complicated. I was terrified that something would go wrong with another C-Section. Instead of rejoicing and running to tell my husband, I timidly went to him and told him. His emotions did not match mine. He rejoiced, and I longed for that reaction but could not force it to come.
My fears and anxieties drove me to God’s Word. I prayed that the Lord would help me to fully rejoice. As we told family and friends, they rejoiced. As we discussed our concerns with our doctors, they gave us encouragement. And little by little, by God’s grace, I felt my heart begin to soften. Each ultrasound and doppler heart beat, the very first kicks, the positive results of our genetic screening, and the news of having a daughter all caused me to rejoice more deeply and fully. And when I went in for a routine ultrasound at 19 weeks and five days, my heart was shattered when we discovered that our Lydia was gone.
As I grieved Lydia’s death, I was also burdened by a weight of guilt over my lack of joy for my pregnancy. I have asked myself countless times if I should have been more excited. The reality that the Lord has put on my heart is that: yes, I should have rejoiced more than I did. Because for me, my lack of joy revealed a lack of faith in God’s sovereign plan.
I was allowing myself to live in a spirit of fear, which caused me to be unable to rejoice. I allowed my worry over what was to come overshadow God’s good gift of our daughter. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” The Lord was kind to reveal to me my sin, and grant me the opportunity to repent.
The other part of my burden of guilt was that I felt like if I had been more joyful, Lydia would have lived. The Lord was also kind to show me that my lack of joy did not contribute to my daughter’s death. I do not need to carry that false burden. God is the creator and sustainer of all life. Psalm 139:16 tells us, “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” God planned out Lydia’s days before she was even formed, and my feelings did not cause her death.
To bring these burdens that I have before the Lord has been a beautiful mix of pain and joy. It has been difficult to look at the root of my feelings, realizing that they revealed sin in my heart that I did not even know was there. But it has been joyful to know that I can take my burdens to the foot of the cross.
Jesus said, “Come to Me, all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). I do not need to continue to live in guilt or sorrow over how I felt. Jesus has offered me grace. On the cross, He took my sins and called me to trust in Him. And the same is true for you. Whatever your burden of guilt is, will you take it to the cross and trust Jesus with it?
- Carly Tweito
Hope Mom to Lydia Alice
My husband Josh and I live in South Carolina. We have three sons on earth and one daughter in heaven. I love spending time with my family, warm weather, coke zero, and cooking.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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